[HerbieDag]

Hi, I would like to ask if some of you record your sessions with your therapist and then listen to them again

I do this as a method to put some order to all things discussed in therapy, making topics for next sessions, etc.

I've been seeing a new therapist for a couple of months

The thing is: When listening to one of the sessions recorded, I hear my therapist saying the word "horrible" between the explanation that this person is giving me.

I know this sounds kinda crazy. Let me elaborate some more

I have a seriously low self-esteem and i'm a "little" paranoid sometimes. I give too much importance to what other people think.

Besides, while T is talking, I break eye contact. It would appear that, during this moment, my attention decreases somehow

I told my therapist that i'm afraid of being heard talking about my issues. T was talking a little loud and I mentioned it

Little after that, T was normally explaining something to me. Listening to the recording it sounds like, when T is moving from one sentence to another, drops the word "horrible" in between them without me noticing it.
My guess is that, at that point, i looked away and wasn't paying attention for a second. I don't remember breaking eye contact nor hearing that word

A couple of sessions further, T was speaking to me. A horn outside makes me divert my attention. For a very brief moment, I hear something like "Stupid". It is hard to hear it well, and i'm not so sure about this one like the previous case.

Has something like this ever happened to you?

Is my T hostile to me, without me noticing it?

What would you do? I would really like your feedback.

Thanks and sorry for making the thread so long

[susannahsays]

Ok, just wondering if given your issues with paranoia you might be hearing things in a recording that aren't actually there. Kind of like how people watching a TV show on the paranormal might be convinced they do hear specific words that are supposedly of a ghost talking at a seance - but if they heard the recording without being primed, they wouldn't hear anything but static.

Just seems extremely improbable that given you have anxiety about talking about your issues and have low self esteem, that you would just not notice your therapist directing words like "horrible" and "stupid" at you - regardless of momentary distractions. That just doesn't make any sense.

In your situation, I would either stop recording my sessions, because it was not helping my paranoia, or at least stop listening to the recordings. I would also speak to my psychiatrist because I would be concerned about my paranoia (I personally have family members who are schizophrenic. For them, their paranoia is a symptom of psychosis - but I don't know what your story is. That's just what I would be concerned about given my family history). If you have issues with paranoia, I realize talking to your psychiatrist (if you have one), might feel like it goes against your instincts, but that's what I would do. After all, there's no medication I know of that will make you not hear someone say certain words - so if they prescribe something and it helps, that will at least tell you something.

[HowDoYouFeelMeow?]

Sorry to hear of the stress this is causing you. Although we can’t be 100% sure that your T isn’t saying those words, we can be very confident that your T is not saying them. Here are some more or less objective things to consider:
*You mention that you were distracted
*You mention that you weren’t making eye contact. Seeing lip movements during speech can make a huge difference in comprehension. Check out something called the McGurk Effect
*You mention that you have low self esteem and are a little paranoid. Given the above, these characteristics could be filling in the auditory blanks/lack of clarity in a not so nice way that matches your internal feelings. Our brains do this all the time.
*Remember the yanny vs. laurel debate and how much people mishear song lyrics. Perception is not reality.
*Do you have any direct evidence that your T doesn’t like or mistreats you?

[unaluna]

So, like Kevin Nealon's subliminal talker character on SNL? Only you dont notice it in session, just when you listen to the recording of the session.

[Xynesthesia2]

Many people report not remembering therapy sessions or details well, sometimes much larger chunks. If you want to test it, perhaps try to use one of those programs that can transcribe audio. If the words are mumbled and hard to hear, the program may not detect it either but if you see it written, that could be more convincing.

Do you ever experience dissociation? That could be, although it would be a bit unusual for it to be so specific to just single words. I sometimes zone out in meetings when the conversation does not grab my interest enough or simply when there is too much going on in my head, and can miss parts of what was said and then bring up the same thing that was already mentioned. It has annoyed some people, so I try to make a more conscious effort not to let myself zone out, but it is not always that easy. This is not dissociation, just distraction, and my own thoughts can often be the most distracting. I don't tend to have any other issues with attention or memory.

If those words are real and they somehow qualify you or your experiences, and if you tend to worry about how others perceive you, it would not be too surprising to block them out. A lot of memory processes are not conscious at all.

[susannahsays]

I probably wouldn't rely on a transcription engine - the ones I'm familiar with require the user to read a long passage of pre-determined text so that the program can acclimate to their voice. Your therapist would certainly wonder why you'd ask her to do that in your session. Programs that don't require this sort of acclimatization to a user's specific accent and voice are notorious for misinterpreting what they hear. For example, I had a coworker whose iPhone texted her guy friend "thanks for the sex" instead of "thanks for lunch" when using speech to text.

[HerbieDag]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

Ok, just wondering if given your issues with paranoia you might be hearing things in a recording that aren't actually there. Kind of like how people watching a TV show on the paranormal might be convinced they do hear specific words that are supposedly of a ghost talking at a seance - but if they heard the recording without being primed, they wouldn't hear anything but static.

Just seems extremely improbable that given you have anxiety about talking about your issues and have low self esteem, that you would just not notice your therapist directing words like "horrible" and "stupid" at you - regardless of momentary distractions. That just doesn't make any sense.

In your situation, I would either stop recording my sessions, because it was not helping my paranoia, or at least stop listening to the recordings. I would also speak to my psychiatrist because I would be concerned about my paranoia (I personally have family members who are schizophrenic. For them, their paranoia is a symptom of psychosis - but I don't know what your story is. That's just what I would be concerned about given my family history). If you have issues with paranoia, I realize talking to your psychiatrist (if you have one), might feel like it goes against your instincts, but that's what I would do. After all, there's no medication I know of that will make you not hear someone say certain words - so if they prescribe something and it helps, that will at least tell you something.

I decided to avoid recording my sessions just shortly after making this thread. What you said it's true...It doesn't much sense.

The thing is that I didn't like to look like someone who says "Hey, I might have PPD and I think that the person in front of me is insulting me without noticing it". When I listened "horrible", it sounded so clear that it didn't gave much room to doubt what I was hearing.

I don't have family members with this problems or, at least, no one alive that I know of.

I gave the meds a shot, but they didn't worked so well for me. Currently, I look the pills distrustfully. It's like I only feel the side-effects and none of the good ones

Also, to make my decision I tried to look " the big picture": How my T behaves around me. Other than flipping some paper sheets a little vehemently, sometimes looking the door behind me or the clock on the wall, I can't say that I have any hard evidence pointing that my T loathes me and, therefore, won't help me with my problems.

I'm thinking "just give it a chance", " You are progressing towards mitigating the negative thoughts"

[HerbieDag]

Originally Posted by HowDoYouFeelMeow?

Sorry to hear of the stress this is causing you. Although we can’t be 100% sure that your T isn’t saying those words, we can be very confident that your T is not saying them. Here are some more or less objective things to consider:
*You mention that you were distracted
*You mention that you weren’t making eye contact. Seeing lip movements during speech can make a huge difference in comprehension. Check out something called the McGurk Effect
*You mention that you have low self esteem and are a little paranoid. Given the above, these characteristics could be filling in the auditory blanks/lack of clarity in a not so nice way that matches your internal feelings. Our brains do this all the time.
*Remember the yanny vs. laurel debate and how much people mishear song lyrics. Perception is not reality.
*Do you have any direct evidence that your T doesn’t like or mistreats you?

Thanks, I'll look into the McGurk Effect. As you describe it, it would seems to me that not only applies to this particular case, but to the majority of my experiences

In general, I'm always on the lookout for any signs that could indicate the people doesn't like me or hate me. If this happens with everyone, would you call it transference?

My T sometimes flips some papersheets which we use to work in a fast, or at least not in a manner that I could call calmly. When I break eye contact for a second and then look again, I see my T looking the door behind me. On another session, we were working with some cards and, when I wasn't looking, my T dropped the card. I perceived it at that moment as something like "what's the point"

Other than that, I wouldn't say that I have the evidence.

Also, like Xynesthesia2 says, do you think that is possible that I'm blocking those things?

[HerbieDag]

Originally Posted by unaluna

So, like Kevin Nealon's subliminal talker character on SNL? Only you dont notice it in session, just when you listen to the recording of the session.

I had to google it up. I didn't know the guy. It's terribly accurate. I'd find it very funny, otherwise.

In this particular case I didn't notice it. There were a couple of times with a previous T when I heard something and I wasn't too sure of what I heard.