Couch 203: The Spam and Cool Whip Couch!

Is he wrong in how he is interpreting your comment? If he is -tell him why he is. If he isn't - then decide if you are going to do as he has ordered. I wouldn't keep dealing with this guy because I think he is an authoritarian jerk-but I don't think he is wrong about the idea of most of what he put in his email and I don't see any of it as counter - transference.

LT, your T sounds spot on in his response. I don’t see counter transference either. Just healthy boundaries.

LT - I find your T's response to be too harsh even though it's honest. I do see his point of view, but I could never deal with someone like him. He's not going to change. Are you chasing after a man you can't have? Emotionally, not sexually. Does that make him safer for you? Are you testing boundaries? I'd say you hit one today.

I really just don't understand why you put up with this. Do you think you deserve this kind of *** as a T? MC had way too lose of boundaries. This guy too strong.

I just feel for you, LT. I wish you could find a good honest T who is also gentle at the same time. If when you do decide to find another T, try to find one that is attachment oriented. I'm sure some don't agree with my T or L, but both have been helpful to me in different ways.

Maybe, try to sit with these feelings, write here, talk to friends and family, then go see T at your next appointment. Try to resolve this and if you can't, start looking for a new T. Again, maybe one that specializes in attachment and maybe even addiction.

I think your T is just not a gentle T, he is super blunt and his email reads as condescending to me. So on one hand I agree that what he wrote makes sense but on the other he could be warmer and more understanding of your want for this, i mean like many people want this right, someone to support us in a nurturing way, and if we didn’t get it from parents it is painful as an adult. Even though T knows that he can’t give it another T might be more gentle in the way he delivers it. Some Ts would be gentler in keeping boundaries and see thar this comes from childhood, likely emotional neglect

I think you have to decide if this T style is what you want and if so make peace with it because he can’t change who he is for you and you’ll keep having ruptures

I agree with the points made by Dr. T in his email.

I am sorry that you are feeling so low, LT. I hope you can find some strength in yourself to draw on. Whether you decide to stick with him or not, I do think his feedback to you in this email has value, even though it is painful and unwelcome. Maybe you aren't able to consider his points right now because you were already feeling bad, but I hope you will at least save them to look at later and not discard them as the product of some sort of abreaction on his part.

I know I mentioned this to you once in the past, and I'll do it once more - there is such a thing in OCD as compulsive reassurance seeking. You could also look at it through the lens of addiction. Either way, it's designed to mitigate something - anxiety, hopelessness, shame, etc.

Lt - I'm sorry you are in so much pain over this. His response is blunt and direct and that would be something I would like - but you have a personality that this sort of response will trigger negative feelings.

However, I am very impressed in your ability to read people's comments toward T's and your behavior and not get defensive - that's an excellent sign of someone willing to change and grow!

People here are getting drawn into a discussion about your therapist, transference, countertransference, your therapeutic needs, the therapeutic relationship. Your statements around self-harm, wanting to die, self-loathing are mostly being unattended. Are we experiencing here what you experience in therapy with this therapist - you (unconsciously?) create a lot of discussion around "meta-therapy" ideas in order that your core issues can continued to be ignored? In turn, is this something of what happened in your childhood - feeling that your core needs were unaddressed?

I say this without criticism of anyone (possibly except your therapist who frankly should be better attuned). It reads as an enactment and I wanted to reflect that back to you. I hope you are safe, I suspect you know the drill if you aren't - crisis lines, hospital, be with someone who is safe, all that jazz.

I am so sad, I bought a lovely piece of steak but because I have had a few molars removed and the public health dentist won't do dentures for me I found it hard to chew it to consistency for swallowing, I nearly choked several times.

Like you, I prefer a straight shooting, blunt therapist like this. He’s not wrong; he’s telling it like it is. But if that style doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t work for you. You are unlikely to get him to change his style of communication for you though.

LT.. You know I’m anti therapy but I agree with Dr. T on this one. He’s being a therapist. All his point were valid. HOWEVER, I can see how you would be upset with him being very very blunt if that’s not your style. I like blunt, but some don’t and that’s okay if it doesn’t work for you.

I mean, we are all rooting for you LT. Evidence shows you are very well liked on this forum. But DR. T is right about this one. The ending where he says leave or not is him just being a professional defending his work.

I do not agree with this and his remarks about leaving are not an indication of professionalism. He is certainly being defensive, but it is not necessary to leave LT with an ultimatum - either be quiet about leaving or actually leave. If LT needed to go to therapy every week and talk about leaving, that is what she needs to do. Of course, there is lots to unpack there and lots to challenge, but he should do exactly that - work with what LT is bringing not tell her to shut up about her push/pull feelings.


... And now I am getting drawn into the very discussion and dynamic which I highlighted in my previous post! Whatever is at play is a very effective device that's for sure.

LT - your T sounds very consistant. He is kinda blunt in his email but then he always has been. This sounds the same as it always has. He is not the nuturing touchy feely T who will say you've got this LT and consistantly that is what you want from him. The more you can't have it the more you want it and T is trying to turn the conversation back to you and keep his feelings out of it. I hope you do feel better this morning.

A tragic short story if ever I heard one.

Our youngest moved into his first official apartment this week, so I'm finally going to have an official guest bedroom. Woohoo! (No empty nest syndrome for me. LOL!) He actually did a beautiful job of going through his stuff, taking what he wanted, and discarding the rest. Just a few old momentos up in his closet left. He even vacuumed! It's a miracle!

When we moved Dad into assisted living, Dad had us take their antique bedroom set and it has been in this room, but it's been largely hard to see because my son is rather a slob. It is nice to set the room up finally. I've been waiting since January for our son to move to his apartment this year. He's around quite a bit though. College is only 20 minutes up the road, and he works about 2 minutes from our house.

This has been a week of everything in our house deciding to fall apart. The light fixture in my reading room just fell apart. Really. I've always hated it and intended to replace it -- just not this moment. Then our A/C drain was clogged. Not a big deal. In fact, our A/C guy didn't even charge us to come out and unclog the drain. Of course, the fact that we'll be purchasing an entirely new HVAC system from him in the spring might have something to do with that. I'm kind of in love with our A/C guy. LOL! Then my husband texted me the other afternoon that the ice maker wasn't working. I came home and unjambed it and it's working fine now. How is it I am the only person in the house who knows to do that? Then, my son's car battery died -- probably the crazy heat we've been having. Again, not a big deal, but . . . I think our house needs an exorcism.

But the outside temperature in under 100 for the first time in several weeks, so my outlook on life is improving. This heat has really been wearing me out.

My nose is cold. It is odd but my nose sometimes gets so cold it is painful

Circulation? Usually it's fingers and toes for people, but it can be your nose. Try a warm washcloth for a few minutes maybe?

I do appreciate everyone's comments and support. Just not sure what else to say right now...T hasn't replied to my reply or to my request to possibly talk before Monday (the one was sent via text last night, so even if he isn't looking at his email, he'd have seen that--he uses his personal phone for work). Perhaps he's just choosing to ignore me. I forced myself to stop rereading his email because it was just making me feel worse and worse. Both about myself and about my relationship with him. I'm just scared to go in there Monday morning before I leave for vacation and have it be terrible. If I don't hear back from him by 10 am tomorrow, I may just cancel (choosing 10 am, because of 24 hours notice).

It often happens after eating cold food. It is just odd -but I have had it my whole life.
And to add insult to injury - I have the song moonshine lullaby from annie get your gun stuck in my head

LT, what happened the other night wasn't a huge deal. Sure, might be embarrassing and you might feel badly about it because you do struggle with drinking, but it is something you can get past. You don't need to brow beat yourself over it. Your T is basically saying that. You have a choice on how you internalize what happened. You don't have to consider it a huge failing.

How can you choose to think about this differently? Perhaps a plan of action for the future so you are less likely to end up in that situation although it was just an unpredictable chain of events that honestly you could choose to shake off as just the perfect storm and let it go.

You are angry, but I honestly don't think you are angry at your therapist even though that seems to be who you are directing your emotions at. You are angry at yourself and you seem to want your T to fix that. But this is a case where you need to forgive yourself (since you are feeling badly about things). No one can do that for you.

Sometimes we just have to say, "Well, I screwed that one up, but it's not the end of the world. I'm allowed to make mistakes. I don't have to stay stuck in this spot. Enough. I'm moving on." If you could do this for yourself, my guess is you could find a bit of peace about things, including your T. But you've turned what happened the other night into what happened with your T via email. Distraction maybe? No need to distract. Try to let yourself off the hook and perhaps you'll find the hope and the reassurance within yourself (which is what your T is hoping you can do for yourself).

I hope you start feeling better. You are a good person, LT. You need to remind yourself of that. You can do that for you.

I don't see that guy as straight shooting - not that I find that to be a super positive thing to begin with - but I do see him as blunt and a my way or the highway sort. I would choose highway because his style would not work for me at all.

Lost three students after my bigger class yesterday. 3 down, 152 to go.

ATAT - good job. My colleagues and I always have a pool going to see who will have the most students drop. Even one less exam to grade is welcome

Yes, I think that's a big part of the problem, the "my way or the highway" thing. I think of his email about standing a few weeks ago with his saying he didn't want to be micromanaged or to feel controlled. What's sort of...ironic I guess? About that is that yesterday, I forgot to pay at the beginning, like I'd been doing lately, so I paid at the end. He sat down at his desk to take my payment, then stood back up, opened the door, and shook my hand to say goodbye. Which was the exact thing he said he wasn't willing to do. I feel some of these things are more about the principle of it rather than the actual request, and we get bogged down in some sort of power struggle, and I just don't really see how that's helping me anymore. I want him to be something he refuses to be. I think he doesn't know how to work with me anymore. If this was a romantic relationship, I'd certainly be out the door by now. Or, well, he probably would have been long ago! But he has some sort of hold over me that I need to break. I think I at the very least need a break from him, if not complete termination. I need to stop trying to get blood from a stone.

Hurray ATAT! I hope more drop soon.