Amazing Session

I showed T where I had SI'ed on my arm this week. I had never actually showed him any cuts before. I started to roll my sleeve down and he stopped me. He told me to leave it up because he did not want me to have to feel ashamed in front of him. He wanted me to know that this was a part of me, a part that he can look at, and he does not think I am disgusting in any way.

He asked me where I had been today, and if I was going to a party. I told him, no, that I had just come from my internship. He said, "Well you look really nice-- is that okay? That I tell you that you look nice?"

OMG of course it's okay. It was the first time he has EVER commented on my physical appearance in the two + years that I have been seeing him. It felt really nice. I told him how much it meant to me.

Then he said, "Remember the first year you were here and you were going to a Christmas party after session? You were all decked out then, too-- you were wearing some type of fur collar thing or something puffy." LOL-- something puffy?? I couldn't believe he remembered.

Then we talked a bit more about the boxer shorts dream-- also because I had another dream a couple of nights ago in which the same thing happened, only he was fully clothed this time.

We discussed the whole Christmas thing, as I will be in NY. He gave me two times in which I can call him for a phone session. He said, "I'm looking forward to talking to you. I'm looking forward to connecting to you."

Our next session will be Wednesday, only 8 days away-- at the new office. At this point I will be officially transitioning to the new place.

At the end of the session I started to get a bit sad and was feeling sort of lost. He said, "Hey... you know how whenever you internalize I tell you to look at me right in the eyes?" I said yes.... He said, "Well look right now." We locked eyes and he said, "Now you remember this." And we just looked at each other for a couple of seconds.

Then he goes, "Or you can picture me in my boxers-- whichever you want."

And we both cracked up and there was the session....

I have never felt so safe and so accepted before.

he moves me... he really does. How long did it take for HIM to interact, or try to interact, with you this way? The eye thing i mean? or things like that... how long did it take before he began to try to reinforce that connection in a tangible way?

i am deeply fascinated by tangible connection. i have never had such a thing and if it ever happens with my T it's going to be a long time and i will probably have quit before that.

does this sort of eye contact help? can you really hold his gaze for very long?

It has probably been only in the last couple of months that he has been reinforcing the eye contact in that way.

I can only hold the gaze for a short period of time and then I look away. I'm talking like, one second, maybe less.

Yesterday at the end of the session I gazed at him for more than one second. It felt beautiful.

He was talking about the way your body feels when someone completely understands you-- the way you just feel it all over-- and I felt like that. Completely understood.

Have you been to the new office and seen it yet? I remember when we changed offices and I was doing the comparison thing and liking/not liking the change and the physical aspects, etc. We had a fun discussion of all the offices we'd seen one another in over the years and what we had felt about them. Having seen her in the 70s' it was really interesting to be discussing some of the offices from then and what I thought and having her try to remember the particular office I was talking about (we usually used "borrowed" offices so they were someone else's style) and whether I felt it "agreed" with my feelings about her or not.

No, I have an appointment Wednesday. He told me, "Things will look different, the room will be different-- some things you will like, some things you won't."

I said, "Well, are you going to be there?"

He said yes.

"Well then I'll like it."

I asked him if they had chairs and he laughed and said yes, they have chairs. I told him that's all I need then. Him and a chair.

OMG... your avatar.. omg omg... hahahahahahaha..

LOL I just saw the avatar too....

Wow...I hope to one day find a therapist that good, or forge a connection with one that deep. But, it won't happen automatically or overnight, certainly.

Hehe...just him and a chair, eh?...

I think that is SO awesome that he asked you to leave your sleeve up... and that is so sweet of him to comment on what you're wearing. He sounds sweet.

ps i love your avatar too!!