[*Beth*]

My dear and wonderful therapist fairly regularly loans books to me that...well...I cannot stand. I'm a reader, but very choosy about what I read. I very seldom like the "NY Times Bestseller" type of fiction or non-fiction. Apparently, however, my T does enjoy that type of reading material and delightedly shares those books with me.

She has been on break for a week. Lo and behold, she left me with a novel to read. I tried, I really did. I managed the prologue and half of the first chapter before I admitted that there was no way I could plow through that book. So I read reviews online to get the basic story in order to make some kind of positive comment to her about the (God-awful) novel.

Any ideas? Should I just smile and thank her for the read - or should I say...something...but what? I'm very open in therapy, but when it comes to the book thing...the last thing I want to do is hurt her feelings by telling her what I think. I swear, every time I see her put her hand on a book I cringe.

[Misterpain]

Is it possible the ones they pass along might have a therapeutic message or concept they think you could benefit from ? Or is it everything they read they try and pass along like a library ?

[JaneTennison1]

You could just give it an ok review. Like "it was ok but idk if it's for me" until she stops. If you don't wanna confront her directly.

[Salmon77]

There's nothing wrong or insulting about telling her a particular book or genre is just not your thing. You can also tell her you have stuff you're reading already and decline to borrow whatever she suggests. I would not bother trying to make a positive comment if that's not how you feel.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Misterpain

Is it possible the ones they pass along might have a therapeutic message or concept they think you could benefit from ? Or is it everything they read they try and pass along like a library ?

I have wondered the same thing - and it is very possible. The books are always about women who come through certain situations, survive, and then have a great life. I know she means well, and I so appreciate that. And maybe I need to be more happy-go-lucky like the women in the books! But I prefer intense, deeply psychological novels, or texts

Interesting that you mentioned that right off, though, Misterpain. Because that was my first thought, too.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

You could just give it an ok review. Like "it was ok but idk if it's for me" until she stops. If you don't wanna confront her directly.

Thanks - that's actually a good way to put it without hurting her feelings.

Also...confronting her directly...maybe there's a way to do so without shrieking I FREAKING HATE THOSE BOOKS! Maybe I can say something like, "I could understand how Tess felt when she..." ...whatever..."But I don't generally relate to that type of character. I prefer to read novels about social justice."

And hope & pray she gets the point. *sigh*

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Salmon77

There's nothing wrong or insulting about telling her a particular book or genre is just not your thing. You can also tell her you have stuff you're reading already and decline to borrow whatever she suggests. I would not bother trying to make a positive comment if that's not how you feel.

Your comment shines a light on something. I could be 100% honest. Look at her, smile, and say, "Therapist, I am so touched when you give me books to read. What a thoughtful thing to do. It's just that...'feel-good' novels are hard for me to read, because I uh..."

Okay, I have to work on this one. But the point being, total honesty would probably relieve a lot of discomfort.

[Misterpain]

My name is a clue ,that I am disabled now ,my Mom was a psychologist so I am familiar with the tricks of the trade .
The reason I bring up disability is we have a term for it " inspiration porn" , it comes in all forms,and it's a favorite technique among therapists ,to try and inspire or teach something without the client even knowing , after all its great when you can teach someone something and they beleive it was there idea .

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Misterpain

My name is a clue ,that I am disabled now ,my Mom was a psychologist so I am familiar with the tricks of the trade .
The reason I bring up disability is we have a term for it " inspiration porn" , it comes in all forms,and it's a favorite technique among therapists ,to try and inspire or teach something without the client even knowing , after all its great when you can teach someone something and they beleive it was there idea .

Thank you for such intriguing information. Spot on!

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I have wondered the same thing - and it is very possible. The books are always about women who come through certain situations, survive, and then have a great life. I know she means well, and I so appreciate that. And maybe I need to be more happy-go-lucky like the women in the books! But I prefer intense, deeply psychological novels, or texts

Interesting that you mentioned that right off, though, Misterpain. Because that was my first thought, too.

So they’re like the Lifetime movies of books?

I would just go with it was OK, or accept the book but not read it (“just too busy,” etc.).

I have never liked a book a therapist recommended to me, fwiw.

The last therapist I had at the Vet Center tried to recommend a Warrior Goddess book. I tried, but it just was not for me. I told her that before I moved out of state. I felt that the book was an extension of her misunderstanding my needs, and I told her that, too.

It is okay to be honest about disliking a book and why.

I have had therapists in my distal past recommend books I liked, such as Robert B. Oxnam's "A Fractured Mind," which parallelled aome of my issues coupled with the inspiring fact that Oxnam works as a professional with government officials despite his coming out about MPD (he preferred that to the DID label). Not to recommend a book or anything, but I am a female who appreciated a book referral about a male. I totally felt understood.

I use to be a book snob.
You seem to have prejudge a whole list of books out of hand.
Just tell your T that's not your style of book.

[maybeblue]

You could try loaning her one of your books in return. Pick the darkest most non-therapeutic book you can find. Long would be good too. Then ask her every session if she's finished it yet. Then you can see how she handles it.

Originally Posted by maybeblue

You could try loaning her one of your books in return. Pick the darkest most non-therapeutic book you can find. Long would be good too. Then ask her every session if she's finished it yet. Then you can see how she handles it.

@maybeblue 😆 that is the funniest passive aggressive suggestion, ROFL but perhaps a conversation starter. Hmmm.... Stephen King?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by The mouse

I use to be a book snob.
You seem to have prejudge a whole list of books out of hand.
Just tell your T that's not your style of book.

Being a book snob is okay - as long as you've really read the exceptionally well-written books you claim to have read.

Is there a specific genre of movie that you prefer over another one?

I'm simply not a fan of girly books published by Harlequin.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by maybeblue

You could try loaning her one of your books in return. Pick the darkest most non-therapeutic book you can find. Long would be good too. Then ask her every session if she's finished it yet. Then you can see how she handles it.

I thought of that...an inscribed copy of East of Eden. On the Road. The Beat anthology. A book of poems by Lord Byron.L'Étranger, Camus.

Oh, I could go on....

[Lonelyinmyheart]

That's a tricky one. I would also hate the thought of hurting t's feelings. I wonder if you could say something like, I'm not having much time or inclination to read much lately so I'd feel bad taking a book from you that I can't promise to read. It's a little white lie but might be an easier way of saying something.

[*Beth*]

I am bluntly honest with my therapist, in general. I've thought this one over though, and initially I was going to tell her that I deeply appreciate that she loans books to me, but that the books she's asked me to read are just not my style. And assure her that I truly do appreciate her kind intention (I do).

But I've chickened out. I am afraid of hurting her feelings. It's clear to me that the books she's loaning to me are treasures for her. Probably, the best thing I can do is make a quick, short comment about the book and move on to another subject. When she does give the books to me, I might just be stuck with skimming them and reading reviews online so I can comment a sentence or 2 about the book.

And, I keep hoping that one day she'll share a book that really does capture my attention

[Omers]

I am an avid reader and my T is not even though his wife is an author... so... from the other side of that... I often ask if he has read a book or suggest books and he isn’t keen on reading. We usually end up talking about what was good about the book and he lets me know if he plans on reading it so I know if I have to leave spoilers out or not. Anyway, neither of us take offense when he doesn’t read or like something.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Omers

I am an avid reader and my T is not even though his wife is an author... so... from the other side of that... I often ask if he has read a book or suggest books and he isn’t keen on reading. We usually end up talking about what was good about the book and he lets me know if he plans on reading it so I know if I have to leave spoilers out or not. Anyway, neither of us take offense when he doesn’t read or like something.

Wow, that sounds like a big bonus to therapy! My husband and I have owned a book store for 11 years (collected books for 30 years), and I'm very comfortable with discussing books with people. But then I worry that my T isn't used to that, and the last thing I'd want is for her to feel bad.

If it wasn't for the potential of hurt feelings, this situation would be comical. Every time she says, "Ohhh...I have a book I think you'll enjoy, it's one of my favorites!" I outwardly smile, inwardly cringe

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I am bluntly honest with my therapist, in general. I've thought this one over though, and initially I was going to tell her that I deeply appreciate that she loans books to me, but that the books she's asked me to read are just not my style. And assure her that I truly do appreciate her kind intention (I do).

But I've chickened out. I am afraid of hurting her feelings. It's clear to me that the books she's loaning to me are treasures for her. Probably, the best thing I can do is make a quick, short comment about the book and move on to another subject. When she does give the books to me, I might just be stuck with skimming them and reading reviews online so I can comment a sentence or 2 about the book.

And, I keep hoping that one day she'll share a book that really does capture my attention

Your initial idea sounds absolutely fine, its sensitive to your T's feelings whilst being true to your own and your T is unlikely to take that badly, unless she has really serious issues that she needs to address elsewhere!

But I completely get how hard it is to actually say that in reality. I'm not sure if I could. Ideally therapy should be the place where we can say such things without fear but it doesn't always work out that way!

Either way, I hope you come to a decision you're at peace with.

[stopdog]

I don't believe therapists are so delicate they are unable to handle a client refusing books foisted upon them. Even if I treasure a book - I am not hurt if someone else doesn't like it or want to read it. I don't think you need to protect a therapist from you not liking something and I think lying to the therapist in order not to hurt their feelings (and really you don't know if this sort of preference would hurt their feelings to begin with) is not how therapy is supposed to go. Do you really think the therapist wants you to placate her like this?

[Salmon77]

Originally Posted by BethRags

But I've chickened out. I am afraid of hurting her feelings. It's clear to me that the books she's loaning to me are treasures for her. Probably, the best thing I can do is make a quick, short comment about the book and move on to another subject. When she does give the books to me, I might just be stuck with skimming them and reading reviews online so I can comment a sentence or 2 about the book.

And, I keep hoping that one day she'll share a book that really does capture my attention

So, you're choosing to be deceptive and hide your own preferences to protect her feelings? About something pretty insignificant, too. (I am quite passionate about books and music, but I would not be terribly upset if somebody disagreed with my opinions.) Makes me wonder if you do this kind of thing in other relationships—hide your real feelings to protect others. That would be a good thing to talk about in therapy if so.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Salmon77

So, you're choosing to be deceptive and hide your own preferences to protect her feelings? About something pretty insignificant, too. (I am quite passionate about books and music, but I would not be terribly upset if somebody disagreed with my opinions.) Makes me wonder if you do this kind of thing in other relationships—hide your real feelings to protect others. That would be a good thing to talk about in therapy if so.

I have to show my husband your post...I'm not too good at "hiding my feelings"

[Xynesthesia2]

I never like when someone (other than in work contexts) is trying to force anything onto me, especially when they expect me to get into it (read, watch, listen etc) and inquire about it without my initiating the discussion or at least hinting that I am interested. Reading is definitely one of my favorite activities and I love discussing books, getting recommendations to assess for myself, I also often recommend reading to others. But I rarely loan actual books to someone without previously talking about it and knowing the person is interested, and vice versa... or at least knowing the person's taste pretty well and being confident it would be a good fit.

I think gifting can be different - you just give it and no need to ever bring up the subject again, unless desired. Loaning kinda implies the expectation of feedback and, without invitation, I find that intrusive. I am actually quite surprised that a T would just lend books to a client out of the blue. My last T loved reading and we had many overlapping interests in books (and art, and many other things), sometimes we discussed it briefly, but I did not want my therapy sessions to be about books or other things I routinely can and do discuss with pretty much anyone in my life. Sometimes we brought up things related to psychology, but only talked about it, never brought it into our meeting in material form.

If otherwise this is a good T for you, she was probably well-meaning... e.g. left the book to occupy you during the break, not thinking it would not be wanted. To me, it would also feel a bit like homework, but reading a popular fiction book that does not pique your interest is not really useful homework... or even appropriate, IMO.

In any case, I would be upfront with the T and tell her if you are not interested in those books - it can be done politely and I doubt she would be offended. I think it might be better to be direct about it also to avoid having to deal with this over and over again in the future. If you never say, she will never know and perhaps assume that you like it, especially if you are not truthful about your opinion and preferences. If you would still welcome theoretical book recommendations from her, maybe ask her to bring them up in conversation, perhaps with the possibility of borrowing the book ("There is this book.... in case you are interested, I own a copy and could lend it to you." - "Thanks, I may look into it."). And leave it there.