Couch 206: The Hersilia Couch

I know he cares. He's told me a hundred times both verbally and in writing. We even had two phone check-ins while he's been gone. I sent him one email asking if he was still there and he chose not to respond to it. I shouldn't have sent it. I'm an idiot for thinking it wouldn't matter if he responded or not. Now that I'm out of my relationship, I can look back and see all the times that my feelings weren't reciprocated. How could you say you love someone and treat them the way he treated me? It feels like he must have been laughing at me all along. And now he's probably going to get half of everything from me in the divorce when he did not contribute financially at all just because I was stupid enough to marry him. When someone abuses you and tries to burn your house down, they shouldn't get anything. He's made a complete fool of me. And now I'm the complete fool in the therapy relationship too because he means a lot to me but I'm just another client.
Even if he cares about me, I'm still just another client.

Nope, parents are my ride. But I'm silently sitting on the living room sofa now while nearly everyone is at the dining table talking.

My mum is talking in the living room, teaching my 6yo nephew how to play a game on her smartphone. Texting T, because it really hurts to watch my mum right now. By the time I was 5, I was being frequently beaten. Since I was a young child, she threw her parenting responsibility over to my sister and me. She physically abused me all the way till I was 25/26. I've had to parent her from a young age.

Dad and his siblings are drinking and laughing about their loving childhood. Dad and his siblings are all harshly critical and judgmental IF they deign to talk to me. I was never liked, much less loved by them. I was a withdrawn and fearful kid (due to the parental abuse) and they shamed me for it. I'm glad they are kind and good to my outgoing nephews but it's painful.

You want to connect with him. The person you shared an intense emotional experience with. I've felt that way also.

I am watching very old Addam's Family reruns on youtube. They are still fun.

I am watching very old Addam's Family reruns on youtube. They are still fun.

I am alternating between Addam's Family and Handel choral works.

Okay, successfully broke it off with the guy. He was nice about it.

I'm sorry you have to go through that. No child deserves to be beaten or to never really feel loved. It does create huge holes of longing. Are you still close to moving out with your partner?

QM, you have described OUR family gatherings perfectly! Its not exactly resentment, but it feels unnerving, unsettling, somehow. As if you are not on stable ground. Although, we will sometimes get a very old auntie or uncle acting meanly in the old manner, and that honestly will retraumatize me. I realize now, the only way i stay whole and sane is to avoid all such gatherings. I hope that someday you will have that freedom

I did an online doctor's visit through a local clinic. They want me to go to their ER-lite clinic today to get checked out. I'm too scared to go though. I just can't do a pelvic exam. I don't have symptoms of anemia or blood loss so surely it's not that urgent. I think I need to think about it overnight.

Yes, exactly. I look forward to when I don't have to attend anymore

NP I would strongly suggest you do go. You've


You're stronger than you think you are. Maybe you would feel more comfortable with a female doctor? Can you take a transitional object with you to hold in your hand?

I fell asleep last night on the job of being the couch bar tender. So..the bar is now opened..step on up for your favorite drink and everything’s on the house since I fell asleep on the job last night. I’ll just be handing the drinks out since I’m working. I can’t be a tipsy bar tender tonight.

I started Christmas shopping today to buy some toys for all the little kids in my life. Anybody over the age of 8 gets gift cards. (I know it sounds terrible but I’d rather bigger kids pick out what they want). I still have a good amount of toys to get though. Today I worked on my baby niece. Next week I’ll work on the kids I nanny. The week following I’ll work on my toddler twin friends because I still baby sit them on Thursdays. Then after that I’ll start buying all the gift cards for my other sisters kids.

Oh dear. I feel myself slipping somehow. I want my T's care and attention. Also I am feeling the urge to SH. Can't tell if these things have the same root but are not currently connected vs I want the care and attention therefore the urge to SH appears because that would give me a legitimate reason to contact him.

Eff.