Couch 207: The spiced gingerbread couch

LT- Why does it feel like you are throwing him under the bus? This isn’t really what’s happening. I honestly think If you guys want to get D from point A to point B then the very different parenting styles need to be addressed to find a happy medium.

Are you afraid it’s going to cause extra tension between you and H? D’s therapy isn’t about that. The therapist will address how you and H can be a united front to help get D moving forward. I have all the faith in the world that she can and will become a productive member of society. Do you think H’s frustration stems from him possibly being afraid that she won’t be a productive member of society?

Chihiro, Hugs. I’m sorry you didn’t get what you needed from the call.

And here is another edition of a therapist missing the mark.

My anxiety is sky high for whatever reason tonight. I should probably take some Unisome and go to bed.

H is now taking a nap so I'm taking the time to work on my discussions for week 5 of 8. I found out we have a 2 week break between week 7 and week 8 which is nice, but week 8 only has 2 discussions and no assignment. I have 2 more assignments to do for the class for week 6 & 7. Week 1 ends tomorrow night.

Is your husband a sex addict? Have you considered separating from him?

I don't know about the first question...honestly don't know if he is or not but wouldn't surprise me if he was. I've considered it and don't see us together forever with this. Something my T and I have been talking about and talked about today again more.

The stupid thing is that I told him that was what I wanted (comfort, containment) and he has said in the past he’s be willing to try to give that to me but he didn’t or wouldn’t or couldn’t.

I’m envisioning a McDonald’s type sign: “Over 9 billion marks missed.”

Or is that too low?

Is it possible P might not see H behaviour as a big deal? You could frame it just asking how best to handle a situation and then go into how it has been handled in the past and just open a discussion that way. No accusations.

T likes to remind me that everyone parents differently and that it is good kidlet gets a balance of both. That's not to say I agree with H in this or think it's ok to be how he is reported.

seems like it might be on the low side. My therapists might have hit that mark together.

I got appointments made with regular T for the next 5 weeks. And the lady at the office said I have a credit from meeting my maximum on the insurance so she said to not pay for awhile. So that went well.

I texted my Pastor T's wife for support because I'm wanting to SH. She texted me back. It really didn't seem that helpful. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. Sigh. I don't know if I'm "allowed" to SH now or not...

I'm sorry it wasn't helpful for you. If you ever want to pm me about the SH, you can.

Thank you @SheHulk07, hugs kit

Annnndddd I'm wide awake again now. Guess I'll finish week 5s discussions and work on week 6s. Thanks H.

Edited to add:
Currently spamming the couch. I worked on one of the week 6 discussions just now. Not sure what to write for the second discussion. They're only 5 points each so probably overthinking it. So I have 5 more discussions total for the class to write. I could wait to do week 8 over the Christmas break, but might as well do them now if I can manage. Trying to distract myself tonight now.

I’m feeling really sad this morning.

I'm sorry you're feeling low.

We're around if you want to talk.

Ended up emailing Dr. T last night because I was feeling bad about the session with P, and he made a really good point in his reply this morning--something I should have realized, but I suppose that's what I pay him for! "I might be wrong, but I get the impression that [H] puts forward his best side and tends to ignore or not report the negatives, where you focus almost entirely on your shortcomings and do not do as well presenting your strengths." Ding ding ding! I think that happened in marriage counseling as well.


And he ended his email with a smiley emoji, which he never does (well, maybe like twice in 2 years).

Yeah, maybe I am worried about the tension? Thanks for your faith in D. I do wonder sometimes if H worries about those things, but he doesn't seem willing to tell me, even if I express my fears. I've told Dr. T that I sometimes feel really alone in it, that I wish it could feel more like H and I could support each other in our fears. But he's much more of a "live in the moment" person, while I'm...not.

I think it was more P saying I needed to change my approach to H's that bothered me. Maybe in part because it made me think of how ex-MC tended to say (in sessions) that I was the one who had to change my behavior or how I reacted to H. But this is not marriage counseling, and P is not ex-MC. And I need to remember that. Me and H going (without D there) made it just feel more like marriage counseling instead of family/child counseling.


For your other point, yeah, I imagine I think of how I would feel in D's place, without knowing how D actually feels. nd I'm not sure she'd be able to fully understand or explain how she feels either--identifying emotions is something P is working with her on (as it tends to be an issue for kids on the spectrum--both identifying their own emotions and those of other people).

Just saying this again- and I'm sorry for sounding like a broken record, but you deserve so much better than to be treated just like an object. You have the right to say no to any sexual activity that takes place. Doing stuff to you whilst your asleep IS sexual assault and shouldn't be down played.

I do hope you have the courage to leave this "man".

Thanks @Lemoncake It's hard to not get in my head and blame myself for this. I feel like a broken record for complaining yet not leaving him. It's complicated and I feel that some people dont understand why I stay. I try really hard not to bring it up and talk to others about it to avoid judgement.


Glad I see T this evening but wish I didnt have to wait all day.

I suspect what the therapist is saying is that the direct approach your husband takes is perhaps more effective. You tend to take that personally, but it isn't. You seem to want to negotiate and give options, etc. with your daughter about the most basic tasks when sometimes kids really don't need options; they just need to do what is asked . . . the first time. The disparity between your parenting style and your husband's style gives mixed messages which, in the long run, will make both approaches ineffective.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying your husband's yelling, etc. is okay. It's not. But there is a middle ground that you two should be able to find together. Less negotiation on simple tasks; less yelling about simple tasks. It doesn't have to be all one or the other.

I think that is probably what the therapist is getting at. Don't take it personally. You and your husband need to be on the same page about how to work with your daughter. That's why you are seeing this therapist.

@SheHulk07, I understand that there are complicated reasons people stay in an abusive relationship. I have been in that exact situation and have felt judged. I'm sure having children complicates it even further. But I want to also gently say, you have children. I know you already know this and have considered this. From your posts here, it seems like your children are being affected by the situation in your home along with you. They probably see more than you realize. They must notice your husband bellowing across the house for you to come satisfy his sexual desires. They must acutely feel the tension in your relationship to their father. They probably sense your depression and see your SH wounds. These things can't be good for them.

I know there must be good times that make you feel that things can change, and maybe somewhere in the world there is a partner that can change, but it doesn't seem like he's going to change. It doesn't sound like he even cares that he's doing this to you and to his children.

Have you called your local domestic violence agency and talked to them about resources that are available to you? I know it's not ideal, but there are likely shelters near you that would allow you and your children space and time away from the situation you're currently embroiled in. It would give you time to think and research your options.

Do you feel on edge about setting off your H's anger? I can see where his outbursts (shouting, swearing, occasionally punching a wall, etc) would be anxiety-provoking for the average person and much more so for the anxiety-prone person. It's tough to point out negative traits and patterns in somebody you love, even when they are an even-tempered person. Add in making him feel inadequate as a father in front of an outsider and yikes!

Have you thought about asking P for some kind of book or website recommendation for how best to approach the areas where your D needs help? I have found that having an agreed-upon philosophy can help make it seem less like one or the other of us is being preachy to the other. That way we can (literally) be on the same page. (I reference Janet Lansbury and her oppressive rules fairly often -- better to complain about her than my wife! )