I'm in a bad place

I think it is very easy to read all sorts of things into someone else's ambiguous words. Probably it is actually for the better that you are imagining worst case scenarios, because if it does come true, you will be more prepared. And if not, it will be relief and a good example that often we imagine threats where there is none. That's anxiety.

Please try not to worry about their life, they should manage that. I imagine it'll be a bit uncomfortable for you, for a while, if they really carefully put everything on private and you won't be able to access the info. I've experienced things like that and eventually I was grateful for it because it no longer reinforced my compulsion. The reinforcement is a major factor in what keeps this going as it gives us little fragments of reality to feed the fantasies. I think pure fantasies are usually less addictive.

You're not a freak... And I understand feeling mortified that she had to talk to her wife to get her to remove the photo tag--I felt similarly when I alerted my T that his wife was in a Facebook group with me, and shortly afterward (like 2 hours later), she left the group. So they obviously discussed it. I also felt awkward that she had to leave a group because of me (he said she wasn't that active in it anymore anyway, which I think is why I didn't realize she was there sooner).

I’ve done all the things you have done and I’ve told my T about it. I’m not exactly sure why I’ve felt the need to search for him online, but I have. I’m pretty respectful in my life outside of therapy, so it felt out of character but I really wanted to know more about him and I still do at times. I’ve searched family members as well in the hopes of finding info about him and I’ve felt mortified at the thought that he might have a conversation with them about what I’ve told him. I felt ashamed about this behavior and ultimately confessed, but to my surprise his response was something like, “of course you’d want to know more about me. It’s only natural.” He also told me a story about a conference he went to where the speaker, a psychologist, told about how she once drove by her own therapist’s house (before social media perhaps). So he totally normalized it. Anyway, we are humans and we can be curious, I guess, about this person who we share so many intimate details with. I hope your T will also be accepting of this behavior.

I tell L that I research her. She has never asked me to stop. She just asks that I tell her what I find, and how it affects me.

I'm in agreement with the others. It sounds like your T is willing to still work with you. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

You’re not a freak. You’re curious. You may be attached. I’m not familiar with your history but if it’s anything similar to mine this ‘obsessing’ over T’s photos and news may be a symptom of how hurt you have been and how ‘big the hole is.’-
My Previous T once said, (paraphrasing here), ‘No matter how much I ‘give’ it’s never enough...”

It was later I realized...*that’s* an example of how BIG ‘the hole’ ..or the trauma..or my neediness is.. She listened to me, she valued me, she encourages me to value myself. Who wouldn’t want more of that? Who wouldn’t want to keep a calming photo of T in mind to call on when times get too tough? Who wouldn’t want to put T on a pedestal and figure out how she manages her own family dynamics so, maybe, they could emulate her?

Truthfully, I have done way worse than stalk a T’s FB page. (Not meaning anything harmful) because that’s how big *my* hole is.

Hope your session goes smoothly and your T handles the situation honoring your pain with understanding and grace.

You story touches me on a personal level and i admire how honest and articulate you are with us and yourself. I really do hope that your T will see past being threatened, as there is nothing threatening in your behaviour, and will try to resolve it with you.
I also thinks is very brave of you to bring it up to her.

It seems she is still willing to work with you but might firm up her boundaries and/or hold you to respecting her privacy from now on. In other words, come (together) to some sort of 'contract' regarding how to proceed.

Her reply suggests she wants to start a dialogue with you and, depending on your reaction, continue or terminate.

The overwhelming feelings you have about your T are very common...believe me, you are far from the only client to dig into a therapist's personal life!

The transference you have with her is extremely strong; a talented therapist will use the transference to work through your challenges, issues, obstacles.

I really admire you for being upfront and straight about your behavior and your concerns. If she's a wise T she will help you through this, not terminate you.

Unless there is far more than what you are putting on here I would suggest trying to take a deep breath. If she is a good T she will work through this with you. Like I said earlier I have looked up and found a ton of information on my T... and a bunch of my sources are far sketchier than yours yielding a wide variety of information. I don’t think my T would even be close to terminating with me. As a matter of fact a couple months ago we were talking about where I live and he flat out told me that he and his wife are good friends with one of our neighbors! Then as things move on we discovered that I help keep an eye on T’s friends elderly parents especially when T’s friend is out of town! So, at least for my T it isn’t a huge deal AND he totally knows that clients are curious and go looking for things. So, please try to take a deep breath and keep an open mind until your appointment.

That's exactly how I feel. I don't think this "hole" will be filled no matter how much I find out about her. She'll never be exactly what I need her to be in my life, and I just can't seem to come to terms with that. I've done worse things than stalk her facebook page too (also, nothing illegal or anything like that), but I will NEVER tell her those things. I think this 'confession' was a big enough step for me (even though it still just scratches the surface).

I used to feel really guilty about the things I did to feel closer to her. Again, it was nothing illegal.

As I’ve said before, she commented, “No matter how much I give, it’s never enough..” I thought she was admonishing me..complaining about me... blaming me. That’s how I think of myself..as bad, as wrong.

But later I realized..all this neediness...that’s how big the ‘hole’ is...that’s evidence of the damage I’ve experienced...I talked to PrevT about it and she agreed that’s what she meant by her comment, too.

So, now I don’t feel as guilty about that neediness.

Maybe one day you’ll feel secure enough to talk to your T about this. And I hope it helps you to understand it a little more.

The truth is that if someone really wants to remain obscure online, they can do so. It takes some time and effort, but it is certainly possible. I've done it myself in the past.

Hi all, I'm meeting with my therapist tonight. I am so scared and so nervous. I don't want to shut down during the session, which is what I do when I feel a lot of shame. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. If you could all send some good thoughts my way, I would really appreciate it.

HUGS @justagirl2019

Really hope it goes ok. Thinking of you.

I've been silent here and only reading, but I'm also thinking of you. Hope it goes well, hugs from the other side of the world

Let us know how it goes if you feel happy to share.

Yes, please let us know how it goes when you feel up to it (if you want, of course!)

I have been reading your posts and i hope your session goes well tonight. I hope you will share if you feel up to it. Hugs

Hey everyone, I just got home from my session. No termination or plans to terminate. I will share details in the morning when I can focus more. My anxiety was through the roof the entire session and I said maybe 5 words. It’s mostly a blur but I do remember some key points which I’ll share in the morning- it’ll help me to write it out, and I think it might help some of you too. Thank you all for sticking with me.. it’s because of this forum I was able to hold myself together until tonight. You are the best. I just had to share something before the day was over. I’ll share more in the morning. For now, I need a lot of sleep

I'm glad to hear there are no termination plans. Looking forward to reading more when you're ready. Hugs...

I am also glad to hear your T doesn't have any plans of termination!

I am very glad she has no plans of termination

I'm glad the appointment went well. HUGS Kit

Relieved and glad to hear no terminaton