I'm in a bad place

I am curious how your session went. What happened when you met?

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

My former T was someone who I always thought would be there and he promised that he would never give up on me. One day, I went into the office and he told me that I was terminated and I was in complete shock. He said my behavior was unruly and he also yelled at me and said that he hated me. He also told me that he probably wouldn’t even care if I took my own life. I was ripped to shreds. He caused me so much harm that it took years to heal that wound. I have an amazing T now and when I look back at how he treated me, I feel so much safer now.

The point of my story is that termination is very painful and it hurts but one day in the future, it will hurt less. I know it doesn’t seem like that now because I never thought I’d get past that pain, but I made it through it.

We are here for you.

I just saw the good news of no termination. That is wonderful!

Hi everyone, thanks again for your support. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to circle back on how my session went. I've been feeling really drained and tired for some reason.

As I mentioned, my therapist didn't terminate. I have to admit, I was really surprised. I was shaking and near tears the entire session - I think I maybe said like 10 words the entire time. I felt like I was having an out of body experience because I was so anxious. I could spend days writing about my session, so I'll just try to sum it up as best I can, and just share some of the bigger things that have stuck with me.

These aren't the exact words that were said, but I think framing my session in a conversation format will get the point across the best. These are highlights, and not conversations related to each other. Just blurbs that have stuck with me:

T: "I'm sure this has been a hard week for you. I just want you to know it's been a really hard week for me too. I've spent a lot of time thinking about your email. I think it was good for both of us to sit with it for a bit."
T: "You asked me in your text if I was going to terminate you. I know I was vague in my response but that was because this can only be talked about and understood in person. Therapy is for you, and you alone. This is about you, not me, and what's in your best interest. I can't decide what's in your best interest on my own. I don't have that right. You need to have a voice. I could never, and will never, decide on my own what is best for you."

T: "I know you haven't shared with me everything you know about me, but nothing you have shared with me so far has made me angry. I understand you're curious about me. Instead of digging on your own, I would really like it if you would come to me directly and ask me any questions you might have. I'm here, right here, and you can talk to me. In fact, I encourage you to. Because when you seek information on your own, you're left to interpret those things on your own, without me framing it for you. I have a right to privacy, as do you, and a right to frame how I want you to know me. Does that make sense? It's interesting because you told me you seek information on your own to get to know me better... but that's not me!! That's the internet. I'm right here, right in front of you. You can ask me whatever you want, and if I don't want to talk about it, I'll let you know." (This didn't make me angry in the moment, but it did after the fact - it felt like she was sugarcoating it to make me feel better. It's hard to explain what I mean by that)

T: "I can help you grieve that we can't be friends. But I can be so much more to you. And the goal is that you will always feel like I am with you because I will be." (This part made me want to vomit... I felt like she was talking to me like a little kid who missed her mommy while she was in kindergarten. The more I think about it, the angrier I get.)

T: "I'm sure a lot of emotions came to the surface when you found out I have a new baby on the way. It's a really big deal! I'm sure you felt a little angry, sad, jealous., etc. I went back and forth about whether or not to tell you, but I decided I was going to tell you" (This made me angry because her wife looks to be 8 months pregnant... so how long was she going to wait before she told me?!?!)
T: "The reason I was hesitating in telling you was because I knew it would bring up a lot of emotions for you... and I was fearful you wouldn't want to talk about those emotions. You would just bottle them up." (I have a hard time talking in general... sometimes I say like 10 words an entire session... and most of them being the words "I don't know" when she asks me a question. So I guess I kind of see where she is coming from.)
T: "In fact, that's why I have been divulging less and less about myself over time. Because you don't ever want to talk about it. And I don't want to bring up personal stuff about myself that could bring up bad emotions inside of you, and then you don't want to talk about them." (Again, fair point.)

T: "To continue working together, we need to set some ground rules. I want you to commit to asking me questions in person, and not looking for information on your own. I know the change won't happen overnight, but I need you to commit. And when you do find yourself looking for information, I want you to let me know so we can talk about how you were feeling at the time, and what made you want to do it. Also, you need to come to session every week. I know you tell me you are "sick" a lot when you don't want to come in to talk about something. I know sometimes you really are sick, but a lot of times you aren't. You need to come every week. I've never charged you a cancellation fee (sidenote: I feel like such a jerk because more often than not I've cancelled hours in advance... I'm really not that great of a client when you really think about it), but I am going to start charging one. Because you NEED to come. Because we are never going to make progress if we keep having these interruptions. I know I can help you. I can help you in so many ways. But you need to let me in. Can you promise me that?"

I'm already emotionally drained from writing this. I'll try to share more later. I could seriously write a 40-page paper on the session. There was so much. All in all, I'm feeling a lot of emotions... I'm happy about some things, angry about other things. I don't feel any better about my attachment but I guess everything will take time. Hopefully.

Thanks for listening to me

She sounds like she really wants to help you and is going to be there for you. Thank you for sharing with us. Lots of hugs

I can see why you are angry about some stuff she said...it sounds a bit infantilizing.

I actually love her reply and would love to see my therapist so converned and considerate. I can see how parts of her reaction were difficult to take but ultimately what stuck with me is how internet is not a very reliable source of information as it usually just offers us pictures with no context attached that we put a lot of meaning to.
It was nice how she welcomed you to ask questions but i didnt like the part when she said she will chose how to present herself to you/what to reveal. This to me sounded like rather than being authentic she wants you to have a certain image of her. Thanks for sharing this with us

You guys, SHE BLOCKED ME ON FACEBOOK. I’m shaking....

I'm sure that is painful. I'm sure it hurts. I think she wants you to talk to her instead of looking at her facebook or finding her on social media. So maybe this is one way she is trying to help you do that. I'm sorry you are hurting. HUGS Kit

I'm so sorry your hurting. I agree with Slumberkitty that she would rather you talk to her then on face book. I am sure she did not do this to hurt you. I would talk to her about this. Hugs

Hugs, I'm sorry...Are you sure she specifically blocked you vs. just making her page private/hidden?

Positive. It took all of two minutes to create a fake account and I easily found her. She proactively blocked me. It hurts so bad. I understand to an extent what you guys are saying- that she blocked me so I will talk to her in person- but this was not the way to do it. She told me she understood the change wouldn’t happen overnight and we would talk about it as I worked on changing my habits. If she thought blocking me would help, she should have told me upfront. How is it healthier for me to find out on my own?!!? I am so angry and hurt. I have an appointment with her tonight. I’m glad I found this out today rather than tomorrow when I would have to go a week without talking to her. I texted her a few hours ago and said “So you blocked me on Facebook” She has not even responded. Not even to say ‘we’ll talk about it tonight.’ And I KNOW she saw my text. Sure, ignore my text altogether, that’s the professional kind-hearted thing to do.

Own your part in this. You actually created a fake account to try to get to her Facebook. She honestly doesn’t owe you any prior explanations for how she chooses to run her private life.. You don’t have a place in her private life. I know that is probably harsh to hear, but it is not okay to continue to do this when it is clear it isn’t okay for her. Pushing this might be a step too far.

Her Facebook page is private. Creating a second account doesn’t give me access to her page or personal stuff on her page. I just wanted to see if her name came up when I searched for it so I could know for sure whether she blocked me. She doesn’t even know about the second account. I just didn’t want to accuse her of blocking me unless I knew for sure that’s what it was. I’m not planning to use the other account ever- I already don’t even remember the name I used to set it up. It was just a quick way to test out the blocking.

The one thing I'd be careful about...if when you see her, she says, "No I just made my Facebook private," I would avoid saying you created another account to check it out. I'm not saying what you did isn't OK--I'm just saying *she* might not feel it's OK. I mean, with my T, I just tend not to tell him stuff I see online anymore. I sort of got an "it's better if you don't tell me" vibe at one point, so I just don't say anything anymore. Though in your case, learning that her wife was pregnant could have a huge impact on her life, so it made sense for you to say something. But other stuff...if you opt to look, I just wouldn't tell her.

I can relate to your former t terminated your therapeutic relationship. TBH uncertain what to think. He sounds like he's dealing with mental problems himself . I was seeing a shrink a dozen years or so ago. He didn't tell me he was terminating his service to me. He made his secretary to do it. Maybe it was a good thing since I read in a local newspaper he consistently carried a gun with him. I can tell more details if you're interested.

Understanding the change won't happen overnight isn't the same as being comfortable with what you were doing. She obviously wasn't. I don't think you get to be mad at her for blocking you and I also don't think you get to expect a response by text on this topic when she made it clear in your previous session that she wants to talk about it in person.

Glad you trusted the members here to share your issue. She sounds like such a good, caring therapist. I am happy for you.

I liked her response of not terminating and encouraging you to speak out and ask her things you want to know. Please carry on on that road, and try to quit obsessing about her fb. Obviously she does not want you looking and the access is not your right. Maybe it helps you in the long run not to have the option to see it.

But I imagine you are not surprised? I think many people would react the same way.

I guess one question to consider now: what is more interesting/important to you, continuing to look at her info online in secret, or investigating what makes you do this (with or without her)?

BTW, I've done the secret following people using fake accounts thing in the past. The only person who ever blocked my primary account was my first T, because I made comments to him initially. With other people, it was just a curiosity thing and I had no interest in connecting with them or actually using the platform for myself. The difference is that I never told anyone or even felt inclined to tell. I never had significant negative feelings about it. There was no ambivalence. But it seems like all this makes you uncomfortable, frustrated, and you feel a lot of ambivalence regarding discussing it with the T. So I would seriously ask myself how far you want to continue stressing yourself this way and just finding new methods but not improving.

In my case, I eventually cut back on the anonymous following a lot, simply because I used it as a method of avoidance, usually spent a lot of time with it when I was procrastinating something. So it didn't serve me well, it was totally useless other than feeding some momentary curiosity. It was a habit quite hard to break though and sometimes still feel tempted. I never felt my effort to break the habit could have benefited from discussing it with the targets but, from all I see on this thread, I think our "issues" are different. I still peruse the web too much, especially when I am avoiding something, but at least it no longer gives me moral conflicts from using fake accounts, anonymous email addresses etc. It is definitely better this way.

Ouch, that hurts you. In many ways, she would have been foolish not to block you as leaving open access might have seemed like a confusing signal. I think it would have been transparent for her to tell you that she was going to block you, but maybe she doesn't feel like being transparent if she feels too exposed to you. I can imagine that I would be feeling pretty rotten about the whole thing if I were you, I hope you can sort through the feelings.

You could try this: you might tell yourself that by engagingng in this behavior, you are risking her terminating you. After all, it seems like your behavior was very upsetting to her. Your text could eventually be seen as stalking her.

It is possible that she blocked you to test you to see if you were still looking her up. By doing this, she would get her answer, knowing that you would get upset and approach her.

So it would be good to warn yourself that searching for information about her could lead you to disaster.

It seems that your t is now taking steps to manage her privacy but I understand how upsetting it feels for you. From your t's perspective though she is clearly very uncomfortable and feels violated. Having been on the other side of a situation where I was continually searched for online by someone, I do also understand where she is coming from. It sounds to me that she wanted to have the talk with you before changing her settings so that you could reach an agreement re boundaries together. I understand that you feel she could have told you she was going to block you but this may have felt confrontational to her and instead she probably hoped you could simply regulate your own need to look her up as per your discussion.

I would honestly be wary about sending more texts to her as the above poster said. I know you're hurting but your behaviour could start to feel threatening. She doesnt have to explain herself, shes just doing what she is comfortable with. It sounds like she tried to be understanding and supportive in session so maybe try to hold onto that and respect her boundaries, as this is what it comes down to.

I dont know why but i thought your anger about her blocking you is hiding shame. Maybe you realised that even after the conversation she doesnt trust you not to peek?
I dont really think there was enough private information there (based on what you describe) for her to be really concerned about her own privacy. It wasnt like she deleted or blocked you from having access to her very personal matters. I think she did this so you dont feed your compulsion to check.
I struggle with checking profiles and people in my life that I am no longer in touch with (not my T) and sometimes having the access cut off brings a relief. Having it taken away from me calms me down because I cant creat a story or my interpretation of a singledout image. I see her doing this as a way to help you.

It’s upsetting for you but it’s quite normal. Many people would do the same. She owes you to provide therapy help and service if she is your therapist but she does not owe you access to her private life. She has rights for privacy. It doesn’t mean you can’t ask her questions and she’ll share if appropriate