[justagirl2019]

Hi everyone, I'm new to posting. I really need someone's help. Without going into details, I have a feeling my therapist of 8 years is going to end things when we meet next week. I sent her a very long email on Friday divulging a lot of things - including my obsession with finding out everything I possibly can about her and her family and friends over the past 8 years (I've done some serious digging and crossed many boundaries). I have a sick obsession and I can't quit. I've hinted at this before with her, and she said we would work through it together - and I kept telling her I never wanted to talk about it. She has been the best therapist ever - extending herself in ways that I am eternally grateful for. She is perfect. Anyways, she sent me a text that leads me to believe she is too angry to continue with me. I know her so well at this point, I can read her very well. I even mentioned in my email that maybe I need to cut ties completely with her because it's too painful to know about her real life (because I want to be with her at all times). Again, I think "the talk" is happening next week and I'm beside myself. I don't want to lose her. She won't even talk to me on the phone because "this needs to be discussed in person"

If anyone has been "fired" by a long-time therapist that you were really attached to, can you please let me know how you handled it? What you did to stay strong? I feel like I want to die.

[velcro003]

Can you say what her text was? Maybe that will help with context?

[here today]

Maybe you can still work things out. The obsession is YOUR problem and I would hope that she can find away to help you with it. It sounds like you have suggested cutting ties as a way to help yourself with the pain? Maybe she can help you find another way? Or maybe she will agree with you that is the best thing to do. You can't know for sure until the session.

Congrats to you for bringing the issue to a head as it sounds like it is pretty difficult for you right now.

[CharlieN]

I’m so inspired by your honesty and strength, even during this uncertain time.

[TeaVicar?]

The text would help to give context because maybe she's simply saying that you need to discuss this with her in person.

It's super brave to tell her about it, it's also super normal to become obsessive and to google etc, I'm sure many of us have been or are in a similar situation. You just want to know more about her and I can certainly relate to the obsessive nature of trying to find out more and more information about a therapist. Also, anything that's openly available on the internet is fair game IMO.

[SalingerEsme]

I really think you should find a second T , with a relational background, to help you orto act as a consultant. You are going to need support if she terminates with you. What made you decide to share this with her now? I hope she sticks it out with you, if that is what you want. Obsession ( called limerence sometimes) functions as a way to keep the mind off other painful internal things, and takes away a lot of energy forgiving and for self exploration. i really feel for how much this must hurt, and I hope she stays and supports you.

[sarahsweets]

No offense but I can see why she would be concerned although I am not sure termination is the right answer either.

[Omers]

I had a long time T terminate me very unexpectedly. It was scary for me when I was in her office because I had no clue she was upset until I got there. My current T is mortified at how she handled the situation (which was different from yours).
On the other end of things I 1. Tend to know a lot about my therapists as I put together small details and I don’t forget much and 2. Am not above a good google search. One did become concerned I was stalking her. She was however very against me terminating with her. We talked about her concerns and if I had any kinds of plans for using all that I knew which I did not. She did say that if she found me using any of the information I had acquired (like going to her house or contacting friends/family) that it would be a severe breach of trust and we would have to discuss the ramifications.

Current T I know a TON about. Some he has disclosed but a lot was found with some very lucrative google searches. If I were to “come clean” and tell him everything I know... 1. He would understand my wanting to know BUT he would be concerned about how I decided to get the information. He would have preferred I ask him as he has always been very open and honest with me. 2. He would be shocked at how much I was able to put together which may rightfully cause some fear/concern... So... I can see him taking in that concern and changing the accessibility to some of that information overall... NOT as punishment to me just because I raised his awareness and others might not just be curious. 3. T and I... I don’t think it would be grounds for termination with him. I can see him insisting on talking about it in person. No matter how much it may (or may not) have angered or upset him he would not want me to feel ashamed about it (not proud of it either). I know we would talk about where the need to know so much about him came from and why I didn’t feel I could come to him with that need. I am sure there would be some stern moments but I think we would be OK in the end.

[Rive.]

Yes, it is possible she may let you go.

However, you can still hold yourself accountable (of all these transgression of boundaries) and tell her that you would like to continue to work with her and learn how to stop and relate in a 'healthy' way from now on. Then, not knowing what precisely happened between the two of you, the ball would be in her court.

You can ask for referrals too, if need be.

[justagirl2019]

Originally Posted by velcro003

Can you say what her text was? Maybe that will help with context?

I've written her many eye-opening emails in the past that always made me nervous to see her afterwards. More times than not I would cancel the next session because I just couldn't see her face to face. For some reason, having a two-week break always helped, even though when I would come back I would insist we talk about something else. She would try her hardest to convince me that we should talk about my emails, but I wouldn't budge. I am the queen of avoidance. I think she is getting sick of my patterns. Usually she would try hard to convince me to come in after writing an email, saying something like..."please come in, I promise everything will be okay." And, she would always thank me for writing, because "I know how hard this is for you." This time, this is how the conversation went:

Me: "Just a reminder I won't be coming in this week. I'll keep you posted about next week"
Her: "Ok - thanks for telling me."
Me: "Did you read my email?"
Her: "Yes"
Me: "Are you angry with me?"
Her: "I am not going to discuss this over text. We'll have to talk about it."
Me: (after a whole day goes by and I feel like I need to see her because she sounds so angry): "Is my session this week still open?"
Her: "No. Sorry."
Me: "Do you have any other sessions open?"
Her: "I will see you next week."
Me: "Can we do a session on the phone?" (for the record, I have never asked for this before - I hate the phone - but I was feeling desperate)
Her: "No. We need to talk in person."

And that was it. I want to cry.

[justagirl2019]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

I really think you should find a second T , with a relational background, to help you orto act as a consultant. You are going to need support if she terminates with you. What made you decide to share this with her now? I hope she sticks it out with you, if that is what you want. Obsession ( called limerence sometimes) functions as a way to keep the mind off other painful internal things, and takes away a lot of energy forgiving and for self exploration. i really feel for how much this must hurt, and I hope she stays and supports you.

To give a little back story, I stalked her facebook page years ago (she didn't even know her page was public), and put the pieces together to learn that a woman in all of her pictures was actually her girlfriend. I knew she was going through a divorce with a man (also had a 2.5 year old daughter at the time) so I was mindblown to find out she was dating a woman. I don't have ANY issues with that in itself - I just felt I didn't know her and I felt really, really far from her. I ended up telling her I knew she was dating a woman because of her facebook page. She handled it well, but of course changed her page to private soon after. She wanted to talk to me about that, and I refused because I was mortified and ashamed I was being shut out (plus it was a reminder we weren't friends in real life). So we never talked about it. And I think my emotional feelings about it just grew and grew and I just feel gross inside).

Anyways, fast forward to now. I've been stalking her and her then girlfriend ever since. Both have private facebook pages, but of course I can see photos they are tagged in, and posts they are tagged in, when the person doing the tagging is public. Sneaky, right? Well, they are married now (they got married about 3 years ago). That in itself messed with me really bad, but what brought this all to a head now is...

Her wife is pregnant. I saw her tagged in a photo from the baby shower. I didn't know she was even pregnant. I cried and cried and cried. I can't explain the weird pain I felt. So that's what sparked all of this, and it was a big part of what I talked about in my email.

[susannahsays]

If she just said you need to talk about this in person, I agree with her - but I empathize if you're feeling frustrated or anxious about that response.

It is certainly possible that she will terminate. I'm sorry you are in so much distress. You say you have a sick obsession and you can't quit - does that mean you do want to be freed somehow from this relationship?

[SlumberKitty]

This is a tough situation. I don't know whether or not your T would terminate, but I do understand the fear that your T might terminate. It sounds like your relationship with your T has gotten very intense, even if it's more one sided. Sometimes it is good to step away and gain the support of other people so you are not just relying on that one person. I don't know what your social supports are. You may want to consider getting a T to talk about the intensity of your obsession with this T. Your T may agree to continue to work with you but there may be some changes that need to be made in order for the relationship to continue and go forward. I don't know what to tell you about getting through until your appointment. Try to focus on other things. Get distracted. Do something you enjoy, like a hobby. Try to not focus so much on this one thing. I hope the appointment goes well and that things work out for the best for you. Kit

[justagirl2019]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

I really think you should find a second T , with a relational background, to help you orto act as a consultant. You are going to need support if she terminates with you. What made you decide to share this with her now? I hope she sticks it out with you, if that is what you want. Obsession ( called limerence sometimes) functions as a way to keep the mind off other painful internal things, and takes away a lot of energy forgiving and for self exploration. i really feel for how much this must hurt, and I hope she stays and supports you.

Thank you so much for this. Your explanation of obsession/limerence really hit home for me. It feels like a breath of fresh air because it describes my situation perfectly, and lets me know I'm not weird/unusual like I think I am. I haven't been able to focus on any of my actual issues because I am so distracted by this obsession. I'm going to read up on that some more.

[SalingerEsme]

Yes! This kind of obsession can be a very smart way the unconscious mind gets around confronting internal difficulties ,fears, challenges etc. Limerence/ Obsession keeps you away from yourself . When I taught high school, this lovely waif of a girl had an obsession with an older boy; she would stand in the doorway of his classes and cry. Eventually , it turned out her step father was abusing her, and she dealt with that in therapy for years. When her real issue was addressed, her obsession with the boy dissipated on its own. That is an extreme example, but obsessing on your T does likely serve some purpose to keep you from puttng all that energy inward.

[justagirl2019]

I can't take this any longer. I'm going to send my therapist a text and ask if she is planning to terminate or start the termination process when we meet next week. The unknown is giving me major anxiety. I don't know how I'll react if she admits to termination, but deep down I just need to know now

[Xynesthesia2]

You feel so distressed about this, but you actually found out some really ordinary things about this therapist (her partner, pregnancy), it's not like some deep dark secret and they obviously do not keep it in secret, posting on FB. Especially if they are married. I think many (most?) people do this kind of "stalking" sometimes, not just about therapists but whoever interests them. Objectively, I don't think it is a big deal at all, it's not like you are spying into something inappropriate that they are hiding from the world, or are threatening them... But probably it is a big deal for you, because of the long-term preoccupation and stress in your mind. If they don't want people to look at their stuff, they should not use social media or ask their friends not to tag them. I personally don't think you are doing anything wrong per se, other than stressing yourself by reinforcing this obsession. Of course you need to take responsibility for what you do, even if it is out of control, but I hope your T will recognize all this! As a T, she must know that many clients get in this mindset.

[justagirl2019]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

If she just said you need to talk about this in person, I agree with her - but I empathize if you're feeling frustrated or anxious about that response.

It is certainly possible that she will terminate. I'm sorry you are in so much distress. You say you have a sick obsession and you can't quit - does that mean you do want to be freed somehow from this relationship?

I worry about this. I think a part of me wants to be freed from this relationship because I can't imagine any of these feelings going away, and they have become unbearable. But a bigger part of me wants to keep the relationship. I just don't know which decision is healthier for me.

[here today]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia2

You feel so distressed about this, but you actually found out some really ordinary things about this therapist (her partner, pregnancy), it's not like some deep dark secret and they obviously do not keep it in secret, posting on FB. Especially if they are married. I think many (most?) people do this kind of "stalking" sometimes, not just about therapists but whoever interests them. Objectively, I don't think it is a big deal at all, it's not like you are spying into something inappropriate that they are hiding from the world, or are threatening them... But probably it is a big deal for you, because of the long-term preoccupation and stress in your mind. If they don't want people to look at their stuff, they should not use social media or ask their friends not to tag them. I personally don't think you are doing anything wrong per se, other than stressing yourself by reinforcing this obsession. Of course you need to take responsibility for what you do, even if it is out of control, but I hope your T will recognize all this! As a T, she must know that many clients get in this mindset.

I agree with you, but we have read in this forum about therapists who have freaked about about this kind of thing and terminated therapy. Certainly not all, but some.

[here today]

Originally Posted by justagirl2019

I worry about this. I think a part of me wants to be freed from this relationship because I can't imagine any of these feelings going away, and they have become unbearable. But a bigger part of me wants to keep the relationship. I just don't know which decision is healthier for me.

This seems like a good insight. I do hope your therapist can help you with this dilemma.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by here today

I agree with you, but we have read in this forum about therapists who have freaked about about this kind of thing and terminated therapy. Certainly not all, but some.

Same (both in agreeing with Xyn and what some T's have done). And my T was a bit freaked out by a few things I saw or found, particularly the fact that I knew where he was when he was away once because it was a public event and he was listed as a participant (it's a bit more complicated than that--I had reason to think he was there). He even seemed freaked out once when I referenced what area of the state he was from. I was like, "Uh, it's listed on the front page of your professional website: 'I grew up in [location.'" He later checked and said I was right and apologized for his reaction.

I've since learned just not to share what I find...well, aside from the time when his wife posted something in a Facebook group I'm in (I was a member of it before I started seeing him and had no idea his wife was in it). He appreciated my telling him, and she promptly left the group. He also thanked me for not looking through her past posts (it was a parenting group for certain issues). I was like, 'Uh...actually I did look at some of them, sorry." But he said with it being a group that I was in, I didn't do anything wrong.


Meanwhile, my former marriage counselor (I was extremely attached to him) was very accepting of everything I found about him online, even his wife's Facebook page. But he also asked me not to look around for any more information on her (at the time, I knew she was critically ill--long story--and I think there was another page on FB with updates on her health that he didn't want me to see--I didn't find that though). He was also understanding when I figured out she'd passed away (got a weird sense about things and found her obituary), though he'd said he hadn't intended to tell us about that.


I hope your T responds positively and doesn't terminate you. She may have just wanted to discuss your reaction to learning this information in person. It could be something you would have found out anyway, if she ended up taking some parental leave after the baby is born. And if she was the pregnant one in the relationship, well, obviously, you'd eventually learn that. And I hope she responds to your text so you'll have some sense before you walk in there tomorrow.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by justagirl2019

I worry about this. I think a part of me wants to be freed from this relationship because I can't imagine any of these feelings going away, and they have become unbearable. But a bigger part of me wants to keep the relationship. I just don't know which decision is healthier for me.

And I often had similar feelings regarding ex-MC. Where everytime I thought about leaving him, I'd start to cry. So I felt stuck in a way. Which is part of why I started seeing current T. Ultimately had rupture with ex-MC that led to us terminating. It was really painful and took lots of time to get over, but I think I'm on the other side now (though he did appear in my dream last night, so...)

[justagirl2019]

I just texted her. I'll let you guys know how she responds. Thanks for sticking by my side through this.

[Xynesthesia2]

Originally Posted by justagirl2019

I just don't know which decision is healthier for me.

If it was me, I would decide based on what useful things you are getting out of this therapy, in general. Cost/benefit. Also, have you experienced similar obsession about other people (including other Ts) as well or is it only with this T? If only with her, maybe ending it is not a bad idea, even though it would quite likely be very hard in the beginning, much like quitting an addiction. But if this is a larger pattern, you might just find another person for it.

I am saying these things because I absolutely tend to do "research" like that about whoever interests me, just keep it to myself. The difference is that my curiosity usually doesn't last too long about one person and there is no frustration, because it is just curiosity that most often arises and dissipates pretty quickly. Of course your situation is different given how preoccupied you are with her emotionally. I think most people freak out at least a little if they learn someone is obsessed with them, unless they personally get a kick out of that type of attention, which is more an issue IMO... Just suggesting that a little freaking is probably the normal reaction, but I hope she will be more rational about it.

In any case, I would consider the overall benefits of the therapy when deciding whether this long-term preoccupation is worth it.

[justagirl2019]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia2

If it was me, I would decide based on what useful things you are getting out of this therapy, in general. Cost/benefit. Also, have you experienced similar obsession about other people (including other Ts) as well or is it only with this T? If only with her, maybe ending it is not a bad idea, even though it would quite likely be very hard in the beginning, much like quitting an addiction. But if this is a larger pattern, you might just find another person for it.

I am saying these things because I absolutely tend to do "research" like that about whoever interests me, just keep it to myself. The difference is that my curiosity usually doesn't last too long about one person and there is no frustration, because it is just curiosity that most often arises and dissipates pretty quickly. Of course your situation is different given how preoccupied you are with her emotionally. I think most people freak out at least a little if they learn someone is obsessed with them, unless they personally get a kick out of that type of attention, which is more an issue IMO... Just suggesting that a little freaking is probably the normal reaction, but I hope she will be more rational about it.

In any case, I would consider the overall benefits of the therapy when deciding whether this long-term preoccupation is worth it.

Pathetically, I've developed this type of unhealthy obsession with many people in my life - the only caveat being that it is never two people at once. When I was a lot younger (I'm in my 30s now), the obsession could have been with anyone, including female celebrities. I know it's a deep rooted void I'm trying to fill (trust me, I get that), but knowing why I obsess doesn't make me obsess any less. Long story short, I would just move on to another person, so it's nothing specific about her (wow - I think I just had a revelation right there... I need to remind myself she's just like an average joe).