Couch 209: The Kummer Couch

I am going to see regular T at her new office on January 11th. She said if she isn't on my insurance panel by then, she just won't charge me, which I feel weird about, but I'm glad that I have an appointment scheduled. I don't feel so in limbo now. HUGS Kit

Glad you have an appointment.

Today has been Hard. Sometimes, vulnerability seems to be a bear trap. I have no idea that it's there, until I fall into it.

EMDR T is apparently working a little bit between Christmas and New Year's because she scheduled me on Dec. 30. Regular T will likely have a three-week gap. Regular T said she would assess whether I needed one of her limited Jan. 3 slots when I see her on Friday, but I feel like she is enjoying being withholding lately, so I'm not counting on anything. I felt an unusual sense of dread when I got my appointment reminder from her today. Maybe I should just promote EMDR T to the regular therapist slot and be done with it. They're going to consult about me in early January, but I kind of feel like that's just going to make Regular T more angry. Ugh.

I don't like EMDR personally, but not knowing how something works doesn't mean it doesn't work. Placebos often have a statistically significant effect yet we know they don't "work."

That said, there's an interesting article on EMDR on quackwatch.

Please can somebody give me a nudge to go and write in my journal?

(File that under 'Things that I know help, but find hard to do.')

Lost, maybe going to write in your journal right now would be helpful?

Speaking of extra sessions, the one I had with Dr. T (to deal with "holiday stress") today helped. I feel a bit lighter now. And have lots of stuff to think about, like building more of a foundation for myself, not just in terms of, say, relationships, but things like creative outlets, physical outlets, finding new skills to master, etc. Things we've talked about before, but it seemed he explained it in a different way today. And it's inspired me to think more about ways I can do that, which could require taking some chances and telling the part of my brain that's like, "you can't do that" or "you suck at that" to be quiet for a bit. Some other interesting insights today, too. See him Friday (regular session), then day after Christmas.

For sure even if it is a placebo but if this even provides 10% relief then I'm in lol I told her up front I don't expect a cure, I just want to feel better.

Oh, and he wasn't so sure about my metaphor of treading water then session being a boat I could temporarily climb into and rest a bit, and maybe there's some food in there, too, but then have to leave in 50 minutes. He used the comparison of a charging station. Which seemed to fit. (Though I was like, "But won't I get electrocuted in the water?")

This is getting ridiculous.

In better news, the scientific article I submitted recently was provisionally accepted--all I have to do is clean up the figure a little.

He can advise you but he is not in charge of you, you need to do what is right for you.

I'm sorry but what your T is doing sounds like Bull**** to me. If you think you need to go to the hospital, then that is what you should do. You are the expert on you. You know what is going on inside of you. Take care of you, okay?!!! HUGS Kit

Thank you @ElectricManatee.

Journalled a bit, feeling a tad less overwhelmed.

Congrats!!! I sort of want to ask what journal (assuming you mean a journal), because one of my freelance jobs is copy editing for a couple of them, but don't want to ask you to reveal any personal stuff.

And ugh, re: your T talking you out of going to the hospital. Particularly for his saying it's retreating from the therapeutic relationship...you're trying to keep yourself safe, and he's limited as to what he can do.

Thanks, LT. I'll DM you the name of the journal. It's a tiny little crappy one, but hey at least they're publishing it!

That's impressive! I always get back bulleted lists of things to change, and/or criticisms that make no sense to anybody who took the time to actually read the article.. . <stalks away muttering>

It is getting ridiculous, and feels SO wrong to me. I feel like he is thinking backasswards on this whole situation. Please go to the hospital if you think it will help you be safe. Ugh, I am mad at your T!

Session was so hard today. I basically cried the whole time. I even asked if I could leave at one point. We were talking about what happens when my husband and I run out of money.

Somewhere in the middle, L said that she doesn't think I have BPD. I don't really understand or know what she thinks I have. Something about being raised to not depend on myself, but also to not depend on others. It feels almost violating that she said that. It's been my identity for a long time now. It's complicated, but when ex-T and ex-Pdoc diagnosed me with it, I was almost relieved. I finally had an answer to what was wrong with me. But now I don't know.

Anyways, I'm really not doing good. I haven't been this depressed since I got off my meds to try to get pregnant. My sui thoughts are real bad. I want to SH. I've been sleeping the past 3 days. I just want to die.

Lord help me, my mother wants to go see the film version of “Cats.” Neither of us has been in a movie theater for years. And, it’s a flipping musical.

Please give us an @@ review.

I think I will have to take theater kid. I don’t really do movie theaters either.

I've been reading my discharge summary from my hospitalization. Somewhere along the line...thinking the hospitalization in July, they diagnosed me with BPD. The summary said that attending that saw me for less than 5 minutes agreed with this diagnosis during this hospitalization. I was never made aware of either time and no one has ever explained that diagnosis to me. I understand the frequent SH and SI, but that's it. T has never said anything about BPD. I want to ask him about it but we have a 2 week break after tomorrow morning. I feel confused.
Doesn't help that pdoc told me on Tuesday that he worries he's not helping me and maybe I need a new provider. I've only been seeing him since September but I'm starting to feel more comfortable talking to him.

My attorney finally emailed me. I’m tired. I don’t want to deal with it. I suppose I should read it. But I think I have put it off long enough that I will read it tomorrow.

Still not divorced.

On the plus side, tonight I made oven risotto with crispy mushrooms, only the mushrooms weren’t crispy. It was still delicious.