Couch 209: The Kummer Couch

Thanks @@. His dad is home now. I have to go talk to him.

Why am I so impatient? I hate waiting. I constantly want to fast forward time and skip ahead. I hate being idle or stuck in transition. I just want to get to the good parts. I constantly want MORE. Ugh

I can relate, penguin. It's a hard place to be in.

I had to take sick leave this afternoon, joy. Hope it goes away soon. Hugs if you want one Jersey, that's a difficult situation to be in.

I am suddenly very tired today. It's lunchtime at work, but I really want it to be going home time. I put a lot of thought into a feedback proposal after the "communication training" we received yesterday. I hope it helps upper management, but it is also difficult to be vulnerable and say hey this is what I think we need to improve on. But of course, I also put the points in where I thought we were doing well, and I thought we were doing fantastic. Still you never know if the feedback will be accepted graciously. Plus it was kind of long.....at least I have tomorrow off of work.

Hugs, Jersey. Agreed that you haven't failed. It would be a lot to deal with just this kid, let alone two others at the same time...

Also, maybe hang in there to see what the evaluation shows (that's tomorrow, I think you'd said?). If, say, it shows he's on the autism spectrum, then they could end up putting him in ABA therapy, which in some cases would take up like 6 hours a day every day (my D never did it, but my friend's sons have both been in it). Or some other sort of therapy. Or maybe they'll teach the parents methods to better handle him that you can then learn. Though if nothing comes out of it/changes in a few weeks, I would definitely understand leaving, or at least applying elswhere. I'm sure I wouldn't have lasted this long!

Today, as part of a conversation initially about something with my mom, T happened to mention what (US) city his parents are from (a few states away). I was like, "Oh, they're from [city]? That's where H's family is from, too--he was born there, then they moved here when he was 2," then mentioned the specific neighborhood of the city they're from (it's a large city). Dr. T had sort of an "oh s***" look on his face for a second, then just carried on. I think it's the first time he's even mentioned his parents in there (he's mentioned his brother and some siblings-in-law), so maybe that was an "Oh no, I've revealed more personal info to LT!" He's seemed much more relaxed about that sort of thing lately, though, since I've come back. Which is kind of nice.

Yeah. The evaluations are tomorrow. I guess we will see what they say but his mom is a little concerned he is going to turn on his charm and just sit nicely through the whole thing like there isn’t anything wrong. But I think if they are professionals that do this stuff everyday then they will know what to do and probably have seen kids turn on their charm. (I hope)

“Yesterday this apparently charming four year old drop-kicked his baby brother so he hit his head. He has throttled his sister and dragged her by the neck.”

There’s video, isn’t there? Nanny cam.

LT, if I saw someone react like that, I’d assume they were from the same neighborhood.

Yes. There is the nanny cam that they can watch straight from their phones. The 4 year old won’t lie though. If asked if he dropped kicked his brother he will say yes. If asked if he dragged his sister..he will say yes. I assume if he turns on his charms and his results are inconclusive because of that-they will show the professionals some video.

He is only 4 - they don't yet have super great impulse control. And he is a boy - they can be very physical. I don't think this child is a psychopath - I think he is a very smart child who needs to mature in some ways (which may be a bit for him) and have an outlet for his impulses and his intelligence. It is quite rough to be displaced twice in 4 years by younger siblings. Some children take care of the siblings to an unnatural extent and some have challenges coming to grips with it. He is impulsive - but their little brains are bonking in their heads at that age still for some of them. He cannot be allowed to hurt the younger children of course -but I think some of the problem may be his parents are putting him in a situation he isn't prepared to handle. At the daycare I was at - this was not particularly unusual 4 yr old boy behavior - we would try and stem it off - but they are physical little beasts who react.

Frankly there are days when I feel like strangling or drop kicking my own sibling still today.

His dad kind of just shrugged off that he kicked the baby down. I think he just didn’t know what to say about it.

I guess I made a big deal out of nothing. I’m eating some dinner and going bed. Thanks for the help everyone and the vote of confidence. I know I didn’t fail this kid. I just can’t really help him. I think I’m helping and then he sabotages the help. His mom thinks the same. That he sabotages his good behavior to get negative attention even though he gets plenty of positive attention too. After the holidays I will restart my search and I’m putting my efforts with this family to rest.

LT-I would have taken from that reaction from the therapist that they know each other.

Goodnight couch friends. Hugs

Stopdog. Everything you said is true. Prior to September he didn’t have to be around his sister and brother all day. Now he does have to be around them all day. They were all in Separate classrooms at daycare. When he goes to Kindergarten in September his school will only be from 8:15am-11:20am. Unfortunately I don’t have a say in it although I’ve said I know he needs to be in school all day and his mom acknowledged it but won’t change it. So I can’t change it.

I think it sounds like a good idea to find a new job - this one seems to be sucking the life out of you.

Jersey, here's my concern. If that baby does get injured, you are the adult in charge and very possibly will be the fall-guy. You need to get out of this situation.

Yes. Thank you. That is the thing. He dropped kicked the baby in the 30 seconds I turned my head to get him a bottle of milk. It happens so quick.

It is talked about a lot with 4 yr olds a lot (if that helps you any in terms of knowing it is not just this child and this family)

Why Kids Hit Siblings and How to Help Them Stop | Psychology Today

4 year old hurting younger siblings - what to do? | Mumsnet

Four Year Old Hitting 9 Month Old Sister - Mamapedia™

https://www.pinkymckay.com/sibling-l...rts-your-baby/
(3 yr old -but still...)
and many many more

Thanks. I’m going to read these.

Whoa, I think I agree with stopdog (!). I have heard that four can be a particularly challenging age, and this little dude sounds bright and strong-willed, which is only going to make him more challenging. I have talked about Janet Lansbury here before, but I like her response to this kind of thing. It's basically to stop the behavior whenever possible (calmly but firmly) and then make space for whatever feeling spurred the behavior. ("That must be frustrating when Baby touches your Legos.") Our daycare does this sort of thing too -- no time-outs but natural consequences instead. I don't know how well it would work if his parents are using one approach and you try another, but it could be worth a shot. Some other things to Google would be" time-ins" and "respectful parenting aggression."

ETA: While I was writing this, I see you posted about looking for a new gig. That's a completely reasonable option too. I hope the situation resolves itself one way or another soon!

Thanks EM.

It just dawned on me that the 1 year old might be getting beat up this week because he’s real close to walking. The 4 year old may be jealous because the baby is getting attention for being close to walking.

A cold compress and some scotch or (if this is more your style) chocolate and the shock will pass.

Jersey, you did not make a big deal out of nothing.

I just had probably the worst dental experience of my life. Wasn’t their fault, they’re the gentle dentist kind. An old crown cracked and needed to be replaced. They mill the permanent ones on site, which is nice but means a 3-hr appointment with waiting built in. 3 1/2 hours today, past their closing time, and I am bad at being cooped up for so long. And of course the first painkiller wore off, and I tried to power through without a second, which doesn’t work when you start crying involuntarily at the pain.

I’m having a milkshake for dinner. Sue me.

After sitting in the dentist that long-have 2 milkshakes.