Couch 209: The Kummer Couch

Today, my T was wearing his wedding ring for the first time in like 9 months. It really threw me, to the point that I ended up bringing it up like halfway through session. He said he'd injured his knuckle and hadn't been able to wear it for months, then got out of habit of wearing it. Which...OK, maybe? But it led to me discussing how I'd figured something was going on with him over the summer, so maybe how he was acting toward me was temporary. (Today he did say, "Life happens" when I referenced if something had been going on with him, so maybe it was something else?)


And we ended up discussing more what had happened then and my fears of it happening again. I said how I felt we'd pushed each other's buttons, and he agreed, saying how that happens between two people when they discuss intense material. That it would likely happen again between us. But he felt confident we could work through anything that came up. Talked about some other related stuff, too, including some misunderstandings over email at the time, with each of us misreading the other's tone/intent.

I think I just needed to get all that out, as I feel lighter now (I told him that end of session, where I slightly overstayed my time). He'd referenced earlier in the session about "cleaning the closet," in terms of working through small problems in a relationship before they became big. I said I felt like I was doing that here. Though maybe I should have done it a bit sooner. But I feel generally good about the relationship with him. I mentioned how he'd said, with the end of summer crisis email, how he'd felt frustrated with me (told me in session). How that had scared me. Because as a kid, I got message from my mom that if I frustrated someone (like a friend), they'd leave. T seemed sad about that. He said how people get on each others' nerves and it's OK. That the relationship can survive.


I feel this is what I missed growing up--that you can upset or annoy or have a conflict with someone, and they still love/care about you. That you get through it. It's a case where the therapeutic relationship itself can be healing. Dr. T has said before he's come to realize how working through this sort of thing with him can help me, because it's helping me better handle my outside relationships as well, like with friends and with H. He was saying today how he's seen evidence of that, like how I talked to H Saturday. And I agreed.

Sounds like a really good session LT! HUGS Kit

LT I often take my wedding ring off due to skin irritation. I've told T not to read into it if I forget it lol I dont think it is a big deal neither does my wife.

Thanks, Kit, I think it was. Just feel emotionally drained now. And wish I'd brought stuff up at start of session instead of with 20 minutes left (plus I went on a couple tangents in that 20 minutes), though he let me talk for more like 25.

Thanks, Jane. I think with this, it was that T wore it every session for like a year and a half, then intermittently. When I asked him about that, he said sometimes he took it off and forgot to put it back on. Then he didn't wear it at all for like 9 months. Then was suddenly wearing it again today. So it just threw me off.


Hope you're feeling better!

I am playing with a new kitchen toy - I have burned/cut myself about 12 times. It is a treacherous toy but I persevere. I do look like an extra for the English Patient at the moment

For a cat that used to be a stray my Ds cat can be pretty fussy about litter sometimes. And i dont know how long my dog can refuse to eat the wrong kibble i bought i cant afford anything else til next week good thing my other Ds dog isnt fussy

Sussanah how did the kitty go while you were away? Or didnt it happen?

Does this mean we will get updates in SDs culinary adventures?

I forgot to get my sleeping meds made up and my head is starting to buzz

My parents took down the Christmas tree today. I'm pretty sure baby kitty AKA Amelia is NOT going to be too happy about that. She's been sitting under the tree almost every day or taking her nap under it.

I’ll expect quotes from Herodotus at any moment then.

New cat and I are home. New cat worked her cute when the gate agent checked her (they have to eyeball the cat) and next thing I knew they gave me a new boarding pass for first class. They even had a gf meal on hand, and a roasted nut medley (peanuts, cashews, almonds).

I should fly with my cat more often.

Maybe they thought she was Taylor Swift!

My friends are all offering to come check on me or hang out with me but I feel too awful to take them up on it. I know I should Socialize Appropriately With Peers but I just don't feel up to it.

Hugs, Chihiro. It's acceptable to not social appropriately with peers if you don't feel up to it. Take care of yourself--that's your primary responsibility.

For anyone out there who's a T or training to be a T--don't not wear your wedding ring for months and then suddenly wear it. Most clients won't even notice or care, but some might. And might be weirdly affected by it.

Sorry it's throwing you for a loop LT.

If you feel like talking about how/why it weirded you out, we're here.

Thanks Chihiro. I feel it's a mix of things, many of which I don't feel I can talk about with T. Part of it, which I did bring up today, is that I thought maybe he was dealing with that personal stuff during the summer, which would have explained some of how he was weird to me. Like, his comment (via email) from August of "Don't threaten to leave. Leave, or don't leave." I figured that could have been like a countertransference thing from something in his life, I don't know... (though he explained that comment more to me today). And if he'd been dealing with that stuff over the summer, and he seemed OK now, maybe it was a temporary thing that wouldn't happen again (which I suppose...maybe he separated then reconciled with his wife, I don't know).

But there's also this other part--the part I *can't* bring up with him--that felt maybe he was separated/divorced and was sort of lonely and didn't have a woman around his age to talk to about things. And maybe I was playing that role for him, that I was important to him as well because I was meeting a need. Not that anything beyond that romantically or otherwise could ever happen there because of his role and because he's ethical. But it sort of felt like maybe we were meeting a need for each other? (OK, yeah, I'm meeting his financial need, I know...) But maybe it felt more balanced that way, like, he needed me, too (not just, he could find some other client to cover the financial aspect--especially as I pay him a reduced rate).

Perhaps...hm, maybe it made me feel more secure in the relationship, less of a fear of abandonment? Plus I suppose there's the desire to be wanted/needed.

I don't know how accurate all of that is...but I wish I could talk about all of this with him, but I'm afraid it would freak him out.

Thanks for listening, helped to type it out (but may delete later, don't know, as I feel pretty exposed right now).

Part that's most likely to be deleted: OK, and there's this part of me that sort of wants him to be in love with me or something, even though I know nothing could happen and that it would really mess me up if it did, plus I know he's kind of a d*ck in some ways and a bit sexist at times and assorted other negative qualities. And I imagine if it were an actual relationship, it would totally crash and burn quickly because we're very different. Plus things are going well with H lately, so...

And I guess it's like I feel some weird mix of being deluded and betrayed? But that doesn't seem like something I could bring up either. It would be different if I'd asked earlier perhaps? (well, I asked ages ago, before he stopped wearing it entirely, and he said how sometimes he takes it off and forgets to put it back on again, which was like, "Sure, OK," because he'd worn it every session before that).

Thanks for sharing, LT. I'd really hope that he'd be able to discuss these things with you if you ever decided that's what you wanted.

Thanks, Chihiro. I'm just worried he'd get freaked out by some of what I said and get weird. But he also keeps saying we can work through most anything (I think the exception being if I physically threatened him or something, because he said that's the only time he's terminated a client).

I'm trying to calm my nerves tonight about tomorrow so I'm having a drink. My oldest brother gave me a gift certificate for the place I've gotten all my tattoos from for Christmas so I scheduled a consult for 2 weeks. Least this gives me something to hopefully look forward to.

Hugs, SheHulk, I hope tomorrow goes well. That's a nice gift, the tattoo gift certificate! Do you know what you're getting yet?

LT I didn't quote your post in case you delete it but what you said reminded me of something T said once (or maybe MC I forget) about just telling you something because if not you would fill in the gaps yourself. It sounds like T did tell you though and you chose to go alone with a narrative that fit how you felt. Like maybe you could excuse him if he was mid divorce? I do think you need to bring whatever you are comfortable with up with him.

Thanks, Jane. Yes, there is something to that, where it could be like, "OK, he's in the middle of his marriage ending, so that's part of why he's being this way to me." As opposed to everything being fine in his life, then he's acting that way, because that suggests it's more just how he is and he could easily be that way again. As opposed to extenuating circumstances. The thing is, this is likely something that could be expanded beyond him to others in my life, like maybe I'm OK with people being a certain way because x or y, but if that's not going on, then...maybe it's less OK or less understandable or maybe about *me*, not them.


So I feel this is something that could be worth talking about for sure, I just worry about his potentially personalizing it too much and thinking it's about *him* when really it's more *authority figure who is helping me who is possibly going through something in his own life so that explains his ****ups*.

Hm...I have to wonder if some of this is also about ex-MC? How maybe I made allowances for him because of his wife being sick, then dying? Because I did sort of bring that up today to T, how if there was possibly something going on regarding his wife--where, it's not that I thought she'd passed away or something--but I feel that affected ex-MC's ability to be a T, so I worried about that with Dr. T, too.

Or it could just be the simple explanations. His knuckle hurts so he didn’t wear his wedding ring. He was irritated with your behavior over the summer so he said “leave or don’t leave.” Nothing to do with countertransference. (Not saying he should have said that—though as someone who has said that I could see why he did.)

Somewhere up above you said you never felt you could screw up with your parents. So it seems like when people screw up with you you look for reasons why (as your parents didn’t for you). But that complicates things. Far better to say “Dr T was irritated with me but that’s okay, it happens” than “Dr T is ****ing up because he’s an authority figure going through stuff in his own life.” Because the first is correct. The second may or may not be correct, you’ll never really know, but what it does is promote overthinking and overanalyzing, which leads to painful rumination for you and might possibly damage the relationship you’re trying to save with that same overthinking.

Relationships are best when they’re kept simple, based on something like love or respect or money. There’s a reason “it’s complicated” is a joke.

I’m positive it must be very difficult to do this with OCD, but can you stop thinking and analyzing and just *be*, as the yoga instructors like to say?