Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

Dear T,

What an awesome time for my abusive sib to be his usual vague, passive aggressive self about contact with his boss who is now quarantined. Just when I need you after a whole bunch of awful triggers like that video call with that particular abuser. Seeing my parents talk so gleefully to her, being forced to talk with her, no wonder I'm triggered!

And online therapy is so not an option and I freaking wish I could have some basic privacy in this accursed household. I wish I could guarantee I won't be overheard or interrupted.

I really can't stand that sib. He's so bleeping irresponsible. Thank you for agreeing with me about that as well as the need to be safe as much as I'd like to see you.

The more I think about it the more I I think the email was a good thing. You always want me to be honest with you and I’m not always. In the email I was very honest. I just have a very hard time voicing my feelings aloud. In email I can tell you everything. I know we have talked about selective mutism before. That email is pretty much proof that I have it.

This whole 2 week thing hasnt even started yet, and Im dreading it. I cant even be honest with you right now?

i hope you're feeling better. I mean I know you're not my t anymore but you kind of are because even though we're not doing therapy anymore you'll always be t to me and besides i never stopped caring about you and this covid thing is scary as heck why did you of all people have to get sick?!

Why aren't you paying me maximum attention? Why haven't you replied to my email? I am the most entertaining thing you have in your life at the moment, you should nurture me. Ugh, you are the worst. You look like a toad.

Dear T,
Thanks for the wishes and confirming that you aren't currently hooked up to a ventilator. I feel like 50-ish minutes won't be nearly enough time to process all the stuff from the past couple days, but I hope it will help. I have this stupid fear that you'll now think I'm too dependent on you, but these are really unusual times, and, as you've said, many of my coping methods aren't available to me. (And my attempt at a walk 2 days ago only led me to feel more depressed...). When H asked what I wanted to spend our stimulus check on, I said "therapy." I wasn't kidding...I mean, H just was talking about donating it, like to some small businesses maybe, but you're a small business, and you help me, so, maybe some extra sessions = win-win?
Love you,
LT

LT that's what I want to spend part of our stimulus check on. h wants to invest it. i said let's just split whatever the amount is in half and each do our own thing with it.

I mean, you actually look like a toad. You have warts and a toady mouth and toad-bug eyes. Before you got old and grey, you were probably slimy and green.

That makes sense to me, to split it. And now is either a terrible time or a great time to invest, depending on how you look at it, I guess...

Hope L is OK!

Ribbit .

Dear T,

I feel alone and sad and scared and I need you to man up and treat these feelings with the respect and care they deserve.

-c

I'm not thrilled with phone sessions. OTOH I'm okay with it. I understand its for the best because of expletive deleted coronavirus.

Oh T I worry about you so much. It's only because I care about you so deeply. I'd do anything to help you if I could.

I want to post those exact same words to my t right now. I'm so worried about her right now.

Dear T,
Some of the things you said today really meant a lot to me. I wish the video hadn't been all weird at times, and, OK, I really kinda hate that shirt you were wearing (and have had the same thought when you wore it in person), but overall, I think I got a lot of stuff out. And the validation and support helped.

Love you,
LT

Wow

Thank you T for being here

During all this

Your calls calm me down and help me become more grounded

So I can reset the anxiety and get back on track

You've really done a lot for me and even now, you're still here with me.

Just a phone call away

I'm trying so hard to not take advantage of this

Of you being here With me.

I dont want to abuse the privilege

Or make you regret it

I'm trying so hard to be good

Stop making promises that you cannot keep.

You are never far from my thoughts and I am so worried about you. I want to check in with you to see how you are feeling but a) I don't want to bother you if you're not feeling better and b) I'm afraid to hear that you've gotten worse. I know I left therapy ....it's one thing not seeing you/not talking to you but knowing you're still there however

T-

I am absolutely furious with you. Telling you my schedule was NOT a move to control you. And asking you to call my insurance company was completely reasonable since I had tried multiple times already and they couldn't figure it out. **** you. Can't you see that in this exceptional circumstance, what I need you to do is to be soothing and kind, not challenging? I ****ing told you that and you didn't listen. Now I'm stuck at home, literally quarantined, and have nothing to do but stew over this. I can't even tell you how mad I am right now. Why can't you just give me what I'm asking you for?

c

I'm okay. still living in my privileged bubble where I haven't left my place for 12 days.

Last week when I messaged early in the morning and was sobbing like a loon- i didn't expect you to be actually be there there when I needed you, but you were and that is what makes want to run.

I'm just tired and this weight is heavy to carry. ENT exam will be online in 9 days on zoom.

You don't need me whinging about my stuff.

I also added up that the minimum you lose by seeing at lower rate instead of a normal paying client is £748 a year .Seeing as I don't always come to my sessions either and some weeks i've seen you twice so in that case it would be £34 less a week. It seems like you're better off without me.

Worrying about you. Crikey the boundaries are wobbling like crazy right now aren't they. Maybe they will break...and then what?

I totally feel that. I want to call L so bad and just tell her "anything you need while you are recovering, I don't care about boundaries right now, if you need food or supplies or an ear on the phone or if you want me to drum for you over the phone to help soothe you for god sakes woman please let me do something to help you!!!!"

But I won't. She wouldn't let me anyway.

Dear T,
A little nervous about "meeting" you at your home office tomorrow morning for the first time. Wonder if it will be this way going forward or if it was just you weren't planning on going to the office till later tomorrow? (Since you'd said you had whole morning free.) I'm a bit curious to see what your home space looks like, though maybe you'll have moved more personal things out of view of the camera? And will you be dressed more casually? Suppose I'll find out at 9.
Love,
LT

Dear T,

I am not coping well at all. I apologize for how far backward I have gone and how little I care about changing it at the moment.

T
Yesterday was an interesting session. I know I should look at why I feel hated. But it's just like this assignment on gender and being born as a male, it's just weird! And hard and I don't want to look at it. But here I am looking at gender in a whole different way. I sure hope that these two areas are different....

I'm doing better now that I hope I found the root. I'm still not use to it, but I know that something from my past changed my chemical make up. And I know over time that can change and I can be off meds. It will require a lot of work, and a strong listening ear that can give feedback. Namely you.