Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

Dear T,
It occurs to me that we've now "been in" each other's houses. Though I'm sure you've gotten a much better sense of my space than I of yours, because I seriously doubt your entire house is yellow walls with nothing hanging on them, at least based on your office because it has so much stuff in it. Unless your wife is some kind of minimalist who...really likes yellow.
Love,
LT

I had a rough day a couple days ago and because I couldn't reach out to you, as I know you're sick, I reached out to my friends and they helped SO much. I have some totally kickass friends, better friends than I deserve, and I must remember this going forward. My equilibrium is back and I am thankful. H is also being my rock through all of this - when he's home which isn't much during the day as he's working a lot. I miss you a lot right now, way more than I did pre-pandemic. I hope you are starting to feel better by now. I hope, and I am also afraid to ask, in case you are not. I am so worried about you.

Looking forward 2 ur phone call today

Enjoying your "holiday", Toadface?

Dear T,
I know it wasn't an urgent text at all, just about scheduling for next week, and I meet with you tomorrow. But I hope you're OK, because you haven't replied to my reply from last night, and you haven't sent me the invoice for yesterday's half session. I imagine you're dealing with all kinds of stuff right now, but you usually reply to texts really quickly. Even if you just said "We'll finalize the schedule in session tomorrow" that would be fine. I think maybe I'm also nervous because another poster on here had her T get mad for giving schedule updates. I'd just feel more secure knowing I'm on there for next Wed. and Fri. (you did offer me a Friday time, so hope you've put that in?). At least I'm there for tomorrow and Monday. I'm not going to bother you about it, but I'd feel better about both things (you being OK and not being annoyed) if you'd at least send a quick reply sometime before our session.
Love you,
LT

T,
I've learned a lot since thus week's session. I feel hated because of years of not standing up to the bullies. It was there influence that stood out the most. And that hasn't always been the case. Feeling small has gotten worse since moving home, I'm an adult but my dad is still neglectful. I want his love since I don't have anyone else. I have few friends and relationships are an issue due to feeling like I need to hide to stay clean. Sex addiction recovery isn't fun right now, as it has affected my sense of connection. It will take work to get that back. And right now has to be the time to get that connection back.

I feel so stressed because of school. I have so much to do. How I feel affects my studying. I'm frustrated that I don't have time to feel connected. I'm losing hope. Especially since connection is a big part of everything I want and need to do.
One frustrated,
Puzzclar

I've got more understanding that people need to let go of the need to control things. It won't always go your way and people won't always do what you want. I see the examples of that better now. And I'd like to share those insights in person with you , but that's not possible right now of course. Oh , I miss you.

I did appreciate the email response. In particular, the “I do miss you and our time together” felt really nice and should hold me over for a couple of weeks, I hope. I’m trying not to overthink it all.

Well I guess I'll find out tomorrow how you're doing this week. I've made myself wait a whole week before checking in again because I don't want to bother you if you're still sick. But dammit I can't take this not knowing how you're doing much longer. I selfishly need you to be okay.

I'm scared, L.

My heart has become my entire body and I just hurt everywhere.

Dear Info,

Reading a review of “You” season 2 that I finished the other night (recommended if it isn’t likely to trigger you, nicely set-up twist at the end).

The reviewer wrote:

I realized right away that describes 2ex to a T. I was just a character in his life drama to him.

ATAT

Please do something so I know you're okay :'(

Thanks for that T , telephone session went better and felt more embodied than I thought it might !

ok I emailed you a quick check-in an hour and 45 minutes ago. i'm not calling in case you're still sick. i hope you are better, and working doing phone/facetime sessions. and will try not to obsessively check for a response every 5 minutes...

thank you for responding and i'm so very sorry you're still so sick. i wish there was something i could do.

I know that you’ve taken a week off of work, and that even though you are staying home, you have a right to your time.

But maybe next time, don’t offer to email me back if you can’t actually follow through. I would rather you just be honest and say you won’t be checking because you need a complete break then get my hopes up and forget about me.

I want us to get through this time so badly. I want to keep working together. I want to see the future with you. I hope you aren’t too stressed out by everything that’s happening and that you and your family are all ok.

I’m annoyed I didn’t start seeing you sooner. Also sorry about that last email. Although you did say I could send you quick notes throughout the week.

Dealing with Hell Week in the middle of lockdown sucks.

You feel very far away.

Why does knowing that you are sick make me miss you so much?!

I need to know you're okay. I was sick with anxiety before the pandemic because of my family falling apart and trying to drag me into their drama, but now things are so much worse. I'm stuck inside, all medical support cut off, wee one can't go to school and thinks it's because we won't let her, hubbys job is looking like it could be in trouble, and I'm concerned about you.....I don't know how much more I can take. Just update your fb or something. I don't want to reach out for help only to discover something's happened.

T,

I'm one of your clients in an unsafe situation who can't do teletherapy. I know I shouldn't have looked at your facebook but I felt very cared about when I saw that public status update of yours. It's ridiculous that a haircut is essential but not therapy!

What would you say to twice a week? Would you say (again) that you're not in a state to provide me the support that I need? I just feel like you're going to refer me out at any minute, especially if I tell you that I've been struggling this week. I had been doing well but not so much anymore.

Thank u for your phone call yesterday

Talk with u tmrw