Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

Why were you smiling at me like that?

I am learning so much. Yet my stress level is high, and I sought relief in a behavior I was free from for 130 days. I'm saddened but I know how to fix it. I need to follow through with my thoughts. I hesitate to follow through because I have been hurt before.

I'm trying to not say I don't know. I'm hurting.

Why were you walking downtown yesterday! I didn't reply to you about that because it was your birthday but I felt like scolding you! You need to be ****ing responsible and stay home!

I am tired of all of the charlatanry in the mental health industry.

Either tell me something that's actually in my best interest or we're through.

Dear T,
I think your betta fish was in my dream last night. I thought she had died (and I was sad about it), so I put her in a bag with a tiny bit of water. When I got home, I went to take her out of the bag and realized she was actually alive. I panicked because she was in so little water. I added water, then worried about chlorine content, then headed to this weird pet store to get the anti-chlorine stuff. Woke up before i could get it, but she seemed OK still. Perhaps I'll ask after her in tomorrow's session...

Hope you're doing OK and staying healthy.
Love,
LT

I hope you're going to be okay L. I'm quickly losing hope in everything again. I tried to do something nice by crocheting little hearts to hang around my community but h said it is a stupid idea because people will think I am trying to spread the virus. He's probably right, it was a stupid idea. I feel like such an idiot. Why was I thinking there was anything my stupid, idiotic self could do to help give anyone hope? There is no hope. We are all going to die. Why do I even care. ****.

**** this ****. Just **** it all.

T I have no words to describe the pain in my heart.

ineedhelp

Did you forget about me, or is something wrong on your end?

I didn't mean to do what I did/said earlier. I hope you'll understand.

I can’t do it anymore. Please don’t help me I just wanna die.

Sometimes I feel like your just a bit too preoccupied with me. Maybe your like that with all your clients. You just seem really interested in my case for some reason.

Your town was on the national news tonight! The woman who was bemoaning being in isolation with her sober husband whilst she wanted to get pissed reminded me of you. I hope you are not one of those people who are wild swimming because a woman of your age cannot combat the cold and pollution of the North Sea. You simply don't have the constitution for it, despite how your liver has held out for all these years.

Dear T,
Thanks for session today. Like I said, it really helped to get all that out. I wish I could just talk to you every day, but I'll take 3 times a week for now (even if one is just a half hour). I also appreciated your sharing the precautions you take when you go to, say, the grocery store. It made me feel a bit better.

Also, the curl hanging down on your forehead was sort of adorable.

Love,
LT

This is not a nice way to learn and grow , but I'm getting there. I did enjoy having you right in my ear , perhaps our other senses come to the fore in unexpected ways. Wow , I never saw that , how could I have missed it ?

you people are horrible

Dear T,
I was going to email you last night or early this morning, but held off. I was going to see if you had an opening this afternoon instead of tomorrow, but held off. Progress of some sort?
Miss you,
LT

what would you say if I told you that it's not like I have a choice. That's how it feels. Then I think that I'm the one choosing to do it. How can I make the claim that I have no choice when no one is making me do it. Then I feel all kinds of bad feelings. I know it's not as simple as just making a different choice. Still it's my choice, isn't it? Right now there's a price to pay regardless of which way I choose.

I'm trying so hard to hold up to my end of the deal we made. I went to the store, but didn't buy anything. But the intensity and the desire is so strong. You say that this hurt and deep pain makes sense. You say that you would expect nothing else. But how am I supposed to deal with and act normal and continue my job like nothing is happening? I know you see me more than you see any other client. I know that you and Pdoc talk regularly about me. I know that you both are providing me with everything you can and truly believe that I can handle this. But what if I can't? When is enough enough?

I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers I hope you are finally starting to feel better. I am so worried about you...

I wish to **** we weren't stuck doing our work over Zoom right now.
This is the time of year I really need you, here.

That looked like you today.... And it got me to do a double take. Then again, you would have been in a session or home or what ever. Still weird.