Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

I don't have a crisis team only you.

Please help me.

I'm so scared of losing it.

But I already know you won't be here until 4PM tomorrow.

I can't reach you as usual.

Maybe I do expect too much.

Dear T,
Curious as to what your impression of H was after very briefly meeting him today. Well, besides "tall," I imagine. (I probably shouldn't tell him you seemed shorter than he'd expected, particularly because I'd told him your approximate height!) Thanks for the validation today. And also for agreeing with me when I said, "I was going to email you Saturday night but I didn't. Which I guess is progress, right? Though I suppose if I had emailed you, it wouldn't have been a failure either." Even though I know it wouldn't have been a failure, good to hear you affirm it. At first I bristled a bit when you were trying to talk about how H and I could have communicated better. Like part of me just wanted you to validate me and that's it, but where would that have really gotten me? This is helpful for the future. (And...is the sort of thing that ex-MC probably should have been doing with us. Sigh...) And your "Take care" seemed really warm today. Maybe because I'd mentioned my former colleague dying near end of session.
And apparently my thought of "I love you" when I leave is just automatic now.
Love,
LT

Hey C,

You know how I've been off my meds for 2 months. Well.... I'm not sleeping I'm eventually sleeping after 4am but up at 8am and surviving on 4 hours sleep as I'm still up until you guessed it 4am the next day. Also I've joined a dating site and I'm chatting to lots of guys. Also I'm feeling the urges for sex (you know my sex drive is normally 0). I'm talking out loud a lot hence why I'm up until 4am as I'm talking to the people I see. I'm talking about past events. I don't know what's going on or if I'm ok... I wish I could talk to you about it but I have a feeling it won't be until 6th Feb

Dear T,

That session rubbed me the wrong way (hah). Not just because of all the talk about masturbation (which is not fun to talk with you about--I get why you keep bringing it up, but still) but because of the stuff about seeing you twice a week and how I'm having such a hard time talking. I hope you don't find me terribly boring and frustrating.

-c

Dear T,
OK, so now I've come down from the warm, fuzziness of session, I'm bothered by some of what went on in session today. I wanted to talk about a particular aspect of Saturday night. I very explicitly said that. You led me down a different direction. I get why you did, but I thought we'd get back to what I wanted to talk about. We didn't. Which is why I tearily brought up the one thing again at the end of session, but of course you couldn't do anything then. No idea if you'll be able to meet sooner than Thursday, and maybe I shouldn't have even asked. But I just feel really sad right now and like I was dismissed by you in a way. And led down the path that you wanted to go, not where I wanted to go. Plus, honestly, it felt like you sort of gave H a bit too much credit or something. It would be different if you were our marriage counselor, but you're *my* T. And I guess...I just want you to be my advocate and support...
Love,
LT

Dear T,
Sorry if that email was kinda harsh--was trying to keep it as brief as possible. I mean, I kept it at 3 sentences, 1 really short. Part of me was going to send a follow-up apologizing for the harshness, but I decided not to. I mean, it's not like I was cursing you out or something. Actually, hm, maybe this could end up being its own therapy topic for the following session...expressing my feelings then worrying it's too harsh.
Love,
LT

Dear T,
Do I share with you what I typed up about how I feel when I have those sorts of feelings? I tried to be as raw as possible so that maybe you'd get it. But maybe that would be too much? Or...what if, after I shared that, you still seemed rather dismissive of it? I suppose it's worth a try...
Love,
LT

I'm really depressed, T. Glad I'm seeing you tomorrow, though I suspect most of the session will be focused on how awful I feel about only seeing you twice a month now.

Grrrrrr. Stop judging me

Nevermind other people have real problems.

Bet I scared you with all the crying.

If I'm being honest I already know that we can work it out.

It's the panics really getting to me.

I hadn't even realized that I hadn't eaten properly other than toast this morning.

Dear T,
Glad I stayed in session despite my feelings of wanting to run out in the first few minutes when you just didn't seem to be getting what I was saying at all. I sort of wish I knew how you reacted to what I handed you to read--did it affect you emotionally at all? (I had trouble looking at you when you were reading it.) But then I feel if I asked you that, it would sort of seem like I was looking for a particular reaction rather than just trying to get you to understand (which is what I really wanted--for you to get it). It feels like you did get it on some level at least. Thanks for the comment that I wasn't allowed to beat myself up over not doing well enough with coping mechanisms while I was in your office. And confirming that you weren't frustrated with me, that it's not that easy.

And thanks for letting me feed your fish. It felt like a special privilege or something, silly as that may sound.

Love you,
LT

Tuesday is definitely the hardest day for me. I want your reassurance. I’m riddled with anxiety. Medication will help tonight but getting up for work will be very difficult. I need a break. I’m tired. I’m anxious.

T: It oddly made me feel better knowing you think I need more therapy than just once a week, and that we will just have to slog through this every other week until it resolves (hopefully). I still feel like shite, but am glad I am seeing you next week. Then its really the start of the new schedule. Ugh.

Hey you, your problems are just as valid and real, okay?

Dear T,

I hate not knowing how many sessions I have left with you. It's even worse because I know it depends on the visa and so I'm supposed to be the one telling you what timeframe we have left.

I hope we can Skype after I move... You didn't outright say no...but I'm afraid circumstances will mean we can't...

I'm sad T and starting to feel overwhelmed= exam on monday.

Although I've sent yet another email asking for a second session,my money is on you not even seeing it in time until midday friday when it will be an obvious "sorry no can do".

I feel like I've broken you in someway and you resent me. I don't want a T who assumes when I ask for an earlier session that it was just all about control and not asking for extra help.

In a way this feels like a real relationship and I love you terribly, but it just feels like there has been a lot more misunderstandings.

Leave or stay?

Repeat the exact same pattern with another T?

Since I've been a kid there's always been a obsessiveness about someone, and right now I'm just stuck, but all I've always wanted is just comfort and care.

Oh T - that hug. I wanted to say those three words but they stuck inside my throat and wouldn't come out but when I suddenly hugged you tighter with all the feeling I had, THAT was the reason. I've never felt it as strongly as I did then - so much love, with every cell of my being. Thank you for seeing me at such short notice and thank you for once again reassuring me that I'm doing okay.

PDOC is not happy with me and she told me that she will call you. Sometimes I would like to know the content of your conversations.

"Thank G-d, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it's like to be me”

Carl R. Rogers

I found this quote on another T's profile and it honestly made me cry. I don't think you do understand.

I'm sorry lemoncake. It's awful to feel like that.

T: It appears as if you suffer from some kind of trauma.
Me: I've been telling you that for 6 months ...

The occasional random smiles and playful looks felt nice today, I think. It doesn’t all have to be heavy and serious. And it was nice that you urged me to stay when there was still a little bit of time left and I was contemplating leaving. I bet you did that on purpose.

It's okay you're just a man not a hero

Dear T,
I sort of implied this today, but part of me does wish you would cry or admit to feeling emotional over hearing me struggling so much at times with the stuff we talked about. I get why you don't and what you're trying to do and be careful of. But I just wish you could just drop the boundaries and say "It makes me so sad that you feel that way about yourself sometimes." Like, what you might say to a friend or a family member. You'll share frustration with me, why not sadness? Again, I get why you don't (intellectual level), but that doesn't take away the desire to do so (emotional level).
Love,
LT