Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

Dear T,
Love you. And it feels like you at least care very much about me, too. Maybe love, though you'd never say that. It means so much though. Even if you'd never say it, the feeling of being loved (platonically) by you is enough. Because I did feel it.
Love,
LT

Dear Info,

After three nightmares in a row, two about being trapped in a crowded restaurant and one about



I think the chance of sleep is gone for the night.

ATAT

Dear T,

Thanks for responding to my FYI email even though you didn't have to.

-c

I'll never be able to tell you but when I saw you'd been online I started sobbing. I don't know why I feel so desperate to see you're still around but I do.

Dear T,
I think I made you cry today. Thanks for listening and being so supportive. And for not freaking out about some thoughts I shared. And thanks for your caring.

Love you,
LT

What's wrong with me? Do you even know?

Dear T,

I hate this I hate this I hate this. Why do I feel lonely for you all the time?

We have got to start dismantling this desire for idealized caretaking. This perpetual state of longing sucks.

-c

Sometimes I think you do more harm then good. Again, it’s me. Not you. If it wasn’t for how badly things were going with my Pdoc from the clinic who worked with my previous T, I think I’d still be seeing the other T. She was a bit dense but, I got along with her very well.

You do sometimes help. I just sometimes feel like you contribute to some of the feelings I have. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I had never met you.

By the way I just took 2 melatonin and a Xanax so I am probably a bit “high” right now. So I’m probably not making any sense because I’m super out of it.

ok, I don't want to keep talking about that. That was enough of that topic

Right now, I feel free. I don’t think of you that much at all. I appriciate you and I know that you are still there, but I feel stronger. I don’t need you that much anymore and it doesn’t even feel sad. Thank you.

So. I've decided to do some radical 'letting it be okay that I still talk to you in my head so much', that it doesn't mean we had unfinished business, but instead that it just means I've internalized you well and I am going to be happy that I can still 'consult' with that version of you that's for free. I can do this, L. I can and I am and I will. I haven't even needed to look at your online profile in a couple weeks either. How about that. I'm getting there. Yeah, you probably knew my breaking away from you was going to be a gradual thing and that's why you've been so patient with me huh.

^^^^ This, T.

Thank you for today. Sorry I’m so messy and difficult to understand. I’m glad you can take some time off during all this, you deserve it. Of course I’ll miss you, I always do.

Dear P-Doc,
Why was I so afraid to meet with you? Thanks for being understanding and not pushing me on the alcohol thing or on taking that one med I'd had bad experiences with before. I hope the new med will help...
--LT
PS--Was kind of odd seeing you in what appeared to be a sweatshirt.

So. Is this the end?

T,
I want to be done with psychosis meds. I found one I like and my body doesn't like it. I am scheduled for a med appointment in a few hours. And I want to give up on meds and try other things. Will you support me? Do you think I'm crazy?
There has been too many med changes for one reason or another. And I'm DONE with some meds. I'm choosing a different healing method. I just wish my past wouldn't stop me as much. I want to call and talk to you but I know I won't hear back today. Is it worth it??

The meds dull my mind and I need to be at full mental strength, for the first time in 15 years!! But I'll start with the one for psychosis.

I started earthing/grounding. It does help.

Med provider,
Please understand. I just can't keep going with meds. I need support not criticism!!

Thank you for finally hearing me. Even though we had to work on the chain analysis today, it was one of my best sessions ever. I know it is difficult to understand my relationship with all of my parts and I am glad that you took the time to better understand us today. I am also glad to know that you see that I am really trying. It is just so hard and such a struggle when you are dealing with ten of us. Thank you.

You are a liar and a deceiver. You're no different than the rest of them.

I'm supper tempted to call out of work and see you. It would help. I've been on an emotional rollercoaster and I feel I need to talk but I don't want to call when you could be asleep. And a phone call may not be enough. I just hope you have time. And then what if you don't... Then what?

Dear T,

I'm trying to do what you said about the longing. But it's not helping, at least not yet. It's difficult for me to have faith in you (I suppose you'd call that a lack of epistemic trust.)

-c

I’ve been seeing you for awhile and I’ve never told you about something big that happened during my childhood that significantly affected me throughout my teenage years and kinda still does affect me every now and then. I’m sorry I haven’t been honest with you. I just didn’t want you to judge me or assume I’m the way I am now because of what happened when I was 12. Because that’s not what it’s like.

Dear T,
I know you said you were trying not to lecture me with the exercise thing, but it sort of felt like you were anyway. Exercise is so f***ing easy for you--you've been an athlete all your life. You don't have anxiety reactions either while exercising or an hour afterward. You (presumably) don't get a weird histamine reaction where you get intensely itchy like an hour or less after exercise (not sure I've told you about that). Plus you know I'm anxious about being outside, so the idea of a walk that would really count as aerobic exercise is a bit overwhelming right now. And I'm somewhat limited in the amount of time and space and privacy I have to do stuff like yoga or an aerobic YouTube workout. I know it has benefits. I know you want to help and maybe (likely) feel a bit helpless to help me (and some other clients) right now. But I'm doing things to try to help myself, like talking to p-doc and trying a different med. Please don't keep pushing this. I know it's there. I'll try to go there when I'm ready. (And as you know I *had* been doing better with exercise before the pandemic...).


Also, I know what you're getting at, but it really doesn't help when you say it stresses you out just hearing about how things have been going with my D lately. I suppose you're aiming for empathy, but just sort of feels like, "Wouldn't want to be you!"

And I suppose I sort of wanted you to say it was OK to step back from the organization that's stressing me out. I get why you think I should keep participating. But it's also one extra thing on my plate right now.

Suppose I need to tell you some of this next time we meet...
Love,
LT

Also, you seemed to dismiss my doing the NYT Crossword daily as positive diversion. And you seem more bemused by my guinea pigs than getting how they're also a good distraction for me right now (well and looking at guinea pig groups on FB). At this point, as long as it's not like "I'm coping by shooting up heroin" or "looting stores" or something, it's sort of whatever works for me, even if it's not something you really understand? It feels like you understand painting, so like that I'm doing that, but other stuff mystifies you. You seem to have come to understand the music stuff, even if it doesn't affect you that way, so that's good. Still...I guess some of it ties into, exercise is presumably a natural stress-reliever for you, and certainly many others, but less so for me. I'll stop rambling now...

Actually, one more thing--you also didn't seem that positive about the med p-doc is having me try and were talking about something else. But, I mean, she's the p-doc, not you. I sort of trust her knowledge about meds a bit more...

I'm not actually as frustrated/annoyed with you as I sound. I think maybe I just feel a little sad that I felt really connected to you the last few sessions, but not so much today. And am trying to figure out why that is.


Love,
LT

Hi R,

Thank you for confirming that you got my email. Courageous conversation is going to be the key tomorrow, I think.
I kind of want to hide, but most of all, I would like to actually see you...though I know that isn't possible right now.

I think you'd be proud of me, I'm feeling pretty strong and positive today. My recent decision re: you helped a lot (a lot!) and then also last night I resolved to start losing weight again and I've got my plan figured out, same thing I did back in 2018. I'm off to a good start today so far. I am also promising myself things for each 5 lbs lost like a rather expensive (to me) bottle of shampoo for the first 5, then I want to take another online writing course for the 10 lbs mark, etc. Also I'm excited about summer school starting, since I'm finally taking another Psych class. Been getting other requirements out of the way, so it will be nice to be taking a Psych class again. Oh! and I got an A in Mythology this semester. Yay! That was a fun and interesting class and I enjoyed writing about the relationship between mythology and psychology whenever it came up in different discussions. Maybe if/when I see you again I'll try to remember to show you the poem I wrote for one of the assignments, it was about Artemis. Naturally. Even though I learned way more than I probably wanted to know about her this semester.... yikes....