Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

I'm aware i'm in a impulsive phase at the moment.I won't message again asking for a session only to cancel it two hours later before you've had the time to reply.

i so hate not knowing how you're doing so maybe it's better not knowing

What is going on?

Well, I'm going to have to stop therapy for awhile. My unemployment check is half of what I thought it was going to be. I'm screwed.

With yesterdays email and our last session ending, I can feel like you do care.

April in pandemic time sucks even more. Somehow, though, I still felt held.

Thank you for being you, and thank you for rescheduling.

Obviously a remote session isn't the same and I knew it wouldn't be, but it was wonderful to see you again.

My thoughts and prayers are still with you

Ooh , my goodness..... what funny things feelings are.

I don't want to tell you I messed up. Do I have to?

Are you going to freak out when you see me in person whenever that will be? Also are you going to ask how I’m feeling after I get my 3rd injection shot which will be about an hour before our session?

not knowing how you are doing is making me crazy

Yeah I’ve lost some weight but I‘m making good food choices at least. Also I think you can lose weight pretty easily with this stuff.

I didn't tell you. Now I can't sleep. I've had a lot running through my head. Will this be a sleepless night?

Hi R,

Feeling tied up in knots. Trying to breathe through it.
I deeply appreciate your choice of words when we were doing the exercise to create space.

'Breathe in and out slowly, as you're breathing, visualise creating space in your mind and in your heart'

Almost unusual for you, but somehow feels even more authentic.

Thank you, and Happy Easter. (Yes, it feels like blasphemy to me, but I really mean it.)

Love,

Lost

Yes I am angry and upset with you. Yes I know it's not your fault, I know you're not doing this on purpose, but if I wasn't angry with you I'd be angry with me for caring so much in the first place, then where would we be?

Ugh. I have moments when I really miss you, but I know that if I had an actual appointment I’d be pretty stressed about it and even consider canceling. It’s a double-edged sword. Maybe I’ll start again in May.

Dear T,
I miss seeing you in person. I miss shaking your hand. I hate not having any idea of when I'll be able to do those things again. Even if you start meeting in person again, will you not allow handshakes for a long time, to be safe? I'm trying to hold onto the feeling of our last handshake, which I guess was over a month ago? I had a feeling it would be the last one for a while (maybe you did, too, because you seemed to hold on longer than usual), even though I saw you in person one other time after that. I miss Fish, too (hope she's OK!)

And I felt a bit sad that you got to see the random snow at your office Friday, but I didn't get to experience it, too (because it didn't fall here, even though I'm only 15 minutes away).

Please stay healthy. The stories about the virus seeming more deadly for middle-aged men are scaring me a bit.

Love and miss you,
LT

Bro r u a video game addict now jk I'm just jealous I dont have a computer to play with u

i need someone to talk to about you being sick mostly but really everything right now. it sucks that you're the only one i want to talk to. that's my brain for you, i ended therapy because i just couldn't do it anymore, the intensity of the relationship was just too much, and now because i can't have it, it's the only thing i want. ugh. and i feel awful and for being so damn selfish and needy.

I miss you. I never realised you had such a reassuring presence. ( Or maybe I did in some way , I just wasn't conscious of it ) Did I just say I missed you? You'd be pleased I'd connected to my feelings

I’m sorry about that time I told everyone you had diarrhea at Barnes and Noble. And I’m sorry for repeating it now.

No, I’m sorry in general if I emailed you too many times this past week, or was weird in any of them. To be honest I think this is kind of on you in a way. Two weeks ago you asked if I was having any side effects. I said I was having one weird one. I didn’t really want to tell you. You gave me a look because I am not always honest with you and you don’t like that. So I told you. Then last week you brought it up first. And then asked some questions about it. So you kinda pried this out of me a bit. But maybe that’s the whole point of therapy.

But you’ll probably just say I was fine in those emails and I’m freaking out for nothing.

Dear Info,

Tonight it feels like there’s some kind of gash in my heart, over a lot of things and a lot of people. 2ex. Dad. No. 3. 2ex’s cat. Too many more to list.

It’s been a month since life closed down, and I haven’t needed Ativan in all that time, but I might have to take one tonight.

ATAT

Dear Ts,

I don't feel like I click with any of you compared to working with ex T. I'm so angry that none of you are available to meet more than once a week and I don't even feel comfortable enough calling one of you between sessions. This blows.

my heart hurts.