Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

Why are you determined to think I must actually be a caring person deep down? I guess maybe the reality disturbs you.

The truth is I'm heartbroken and no one can make it right.

Therapy and trying to make myself better doesn't really matter to me to anymore.

I cried and then slept and got cold. I need to get downstairs and do something but as you said, it may not be what I need right now.
I hate when you are right.

Why do you even deal with me? I’m not your patient, so when I email you should tell me to f’k off.... but you don’t. You even had your admin call me to set up an appointment... why do you care? No one has ever cared, so why now and why you? This is baffling ...

I had a good distraction. But I'm worried about tomorrow afternoon. I may need to sleep again to pass the time. I wish you had an earlier appointment.

I am willing to accept the help. Everything hurts too much. Do I sleep, or do I cry myself to sleep again.

You had that hoodie on that was the same color of the one I’ve been wearing in sessions and it probably had nothing to do with anything but it’s like from Mean Girls:

“ I saw Cady Harris wear army pants and flip flops, so I wore army pants and flip flops.”

Thank you for your support. I appreciate that you won't let me run away from the Feelings.

Depressed and empty.

Hey you. It struck me today in one of those bright moments of clarity just how right you were with that diagnosis when you had to come up with one when I tried to bill my insurance that one time. I can see how it applies to how I've handled the current world situation from the beginning until now.

I think I'm wrong about having "fired" you. I think I'm being overly dramatic about the whole thing... I don't know now what to do. Perhaps, I'll just stay the course.

I feel like trying something new. But I also know there is danger associated with that choice. The safe way is to go inpatient. But the safer way mentally is to stay safe and do the same things while at home.

I can hear you now, questioning every step I take and Wondering is this a red flag?

Both options are safe. Both have risk.

I keep trying to reason it out. But my indecision is stepping in. COVID 19 is on my mind. What if I put my family at risk? I need more thought on this before I make a choice.

I can't choose wrong. If I choose to stay home, then I risk facing a more urgent admission. I know I'll be safe. As I am only making that thought stronger as I say, I will be safe, I will be healed.

And yeah I know it’s stupid. I’m all messed up, so outta line. But I just gotta see it for myself. I’m in the corner, I’m right over here, why can’t you see me. I’m giving it my all, but I’m not the guy you used to know. I keep dancing on my own.

The morning after that intense session. I feel like I've been in a fight, not cried!

I don’t know if you do anniversaries. But it’s a year since you lost your Dad and I hope you are ok today. Lots of love

Does it really matter anymore?

Holy ****ing therapy hangover...this is madness.

Part of me wants to discuss last night's dream with you but... all of me already knows what it means...

Hey, thanks for the birthday wish on my Facebook and for asking how we're doing. Always nice to hear from you. Appreciate it.

I think I was crossing boundaries so I deleted your email address from my contacts. It was getting to be too much. I was.

Why do I feel so exhausted?

Dear T,
Thank you for that. I'm glad I brought up what bothered me. And in session rather than an email. Because I could see in your eyes that you weren't disappointed, that you cared. Which I may not have gotten from reading an email.
Love you,
LT

Dear T,
Also, I appreciate your saying how you're glad the guinea pigs have been a comfort for me and saying they seem to have quite a lot of personality. Because I know it can be easy to think they're just a "Pocket pet!" Though, you'd need quite a big pocket to fit either of my pigs in there...like maybe the front pocket on a hoodie? Not even sure they'd fit in there at this point!
Love,
LT

You are adorable. The image of you rapping along to hip hop in your car is forever burnt onto my imagination.

Disaster. Catastrophe.

Dear T: you are helpful and I appreciate you.