Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

I feel like crap. And I've been told to wait out this change in med. And that scares me. I normally give up on meds.

You told me that you'd be HONORED if I texted you yesterday or today. I finally got up the nerve to text you. That was 2 hours ago. No response. I know you have your own life. I know that it's a holiday. I know that I'm not the priority in your life or the focus of your time. But I can't not feel badly that you didn't even acknowledge getting it. Maybe you haven't. Maybe your phone isn't near you. Maybe. But I'm still hurt and feel like I shouldn't have done it.

Dear T,
So I helped H carry some trash to the corner, which was up the block. That counts, right? I'm pretty sure it does. And I do think maybe doing one of the longer excursions during session while on the phone with you might help. The thing I wonder about is...if I drive to your office parking lot like you suggested, any chance you could come outside and wave hi?

Love,
LT

I am petrified of being alone tomorrow. I don't want to go into the hospital, but it may be ye best option to have people around. But that choice brings pain in my body due to the bed there. Yet I feel like I'm sliding backwards because of the new med. I'm scared. I don't want to go in, either. And then I get a cold spell.

This new med is torture!!! Is it really supposed to be better????

I feel so tired these days . My life is so restricted. I understand one needs to stay home except going out for necessities ie drugstore, grocery store, take out. I understand and I'm willing to do my part to flatten the curve. Still its taking its toll on mood.

Oops, I did it again.

Well.. can you blame me?

Are you worried yet that I haven’t emailed you since Friday morning? Why do I have a feeling that you are? I know for sure that your going to mention it next session.

I'm scared to call you. Anxiety is off the charts, and some pesky thinking has returned. But I don't want to go inpatient. I AM alone today and that worries me. I've had several shaky episodes. I'm scared.

Ortho exam on thursday.

I'm so tired and exhausted.

I hung up on the skype call with my mother- I don't think she even noticed as she usually just leaves it on when she has other things going on in the background.

I called. I want out of this situation!!!

y'know what L, i think i'm starting to understand something about myself something that we never talked about and i never saw before but i suspect this thing is true and i don't think you're qualified to help me with it and i don't even know if i want help at the moment. i'd been doing kinda okay again but now i'm spiraling.

I don’t really want to tell you that I was upset, but I feel like not telling you is bad too. I just don’t want to be manipulative in anyway. I don’t know how to not do that. I don’t know what to say when you ask me what was up with the sudden stop in emails. All I’ve been planning on is saying is that I was tired. Even though I know your not going to buy that.

I don’t know. I’m just really stuck.

I feel like you're annoyed with me. Is it in my head? I can't tell.

I think maybe I should provoke you so that I know for sure that you're mad. I don't like uncertainty.

Now I can't sleep. I'm too anxious. Then I get warm. I then think things that are stupid. I'm in damage control now.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to me about my mother issues today. I know we talked too long and it was against the rules but I really appreciated it.

Someone asked me about you today, and now in bed thinking of having to say goodbye to you makes me cry. I miss you and I wish I could see you

Dear T:
I don’t feel like paying tuition for school... ha.

Why do I self-sabotage so much?

I don’t understand...

Dear T,

I really want to talk with you because I am bored and lonely. My two closest local friends are both in the depths of their mental illnesses and not wanting to socialize right now (not that I can see them in person anyway these days). My roommate is driving me bonkers. Listening to all this live music online is making me sad. I am remembering my ex-BF who died.

None of this is terrible. It isn't even especially awful in aggregate. I guess I'm used to having to legitimize feeling sad and lonely?

-c

I miss you. I miss your warm hugs.

So much this. The warmth is still there over video..it just doesn't travel as far.

I'm tempted to call you. I'm not doing well.
Make that far to tempted but it's not even 5 am

It breaks my heart that you're so unwell

Why didn't you answer. I Know it was early. But the one on he phone was not enough. I need you

My family wants to ignore how I feel as usual. I need support. I need a break