Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

Oh T, alcohol and texting just don't mix do they? But I'm glad in a way that I sent it. I needed you to know the rawness of how it was.

I sure hope I get the phone call for my CT before I talk to you. I want to have it scheduled asap! I want stress level to go down. Can I help with that?

I'm sorry you are sick. Please don't have covid 19.

Thank you!! I feel the same way about mine.

I wish I knew how you are doing or even if you are still doing. I so hope you are feeling better by now. This virus is so horrible. I just can't even comprehend the things that are going on around me lately. It's like there's not even one person in the government or media speaking the full truth everything is slanted one way or another so that no one even knows what the hell to believe. h wants me to go back on psych meds. i do NOT want to. it's getting closer and closer to touching my family. my friend from gradeschool, her brother passed away last week from it, now i just found out today that another friend that i used to work with, her sister is sick and just tested positive. i'm so scared, t.

The longing and wanting sadness feelings are pretty strong at the moment.

Dear T,
It's been a rough day since session this morning. One way I'm helping myself through it (well, besides alcohol...) is picturing you doing the little chair dance at the end, when I said, "Hey, you didn't give me the 3-minute warning dance" (from last session). It made me smile and helped reaffirm the connection.
Love you,
LT

Why did you look concerned when I said I had peanut butter and crackers? It was 11 in the morning. What else should I have eaten? I know my mom is concerned too but I truly do not get it. Just because I don’t eat much some days does not mean anything.

And the days I do not eat much it’s usually because my injections are making me feel very very sick. Not that I’m restricting on purpose.

It's a perfect storm. I hate being in the center. I hate pain! I want answers. But the one who has the answers is silent.

My head, stomach, and back hurts. I'm grouchy and sad. I just want to feel 5% better. I don't want to talk about the hard stuff yet

T,

I'm no longer full of rage towards you. I think it just wore off (rather than getting actively resolved). Now I feel pathetic and dependent again and just want you to comfort me. But you're never going to do that, are you?

-c

You're in my thoughts. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since I last heard from you. I so hope that you are feeling better by now and just forgot to let me know. I don't know how long this lasts though, I do know that Sunday will already be 6 weeks since you got sick. Ugh. That's a long time to be sick. I miss you so much.

My physical symptoms are up. I wish I felt better. My legs feel funny. Is it anxiety or my body letting me know there's a problem.

I miss you so, so much. I don't think I can last a few months without seeing you face to face. I hate this virus!

Dear Info,

It’s not that I don’t want to let people in. It’s not that I don’t want to let myself be vulnerable. It’s that by this time I can’t. I don’t know how to change that. I don’t think therapy will or can help.

I hate I can’t do what other people can do so easily. Just aargh. Like 2ex used to say, I find difficult things easy and easy things difficult. It isn’t normal.

ATAT

Just realizing how school has been so bad for my mental health. Just two more exams to go:

ENT retake + Orthopedics.

Because I've been ill I haven't left my place either for more than 15 days. I'm actually okay with being a hermit though.

I don't know if therapy was helping, or if was helping to the extent that it's supposed to.

I didn't feel comfortable discussing my understanding of therapy topics, in case I gave the wrong answer, and you then thought we were wasting each other's time.

I'm starting to think about you again, which hasn't happened in a while. Is it ok if I call you for an appointment to discuss this?

Just went on a short walk. It helped my mood but my body regrets it... And do I study or take another day away?? T any opinions??

Were you confused when I randomly started freaking out the other day and saying “please don’t leave me?” I am not usually like this. I didn’t say why I didn’t want to work with a female therapist when I was looking for one 2 years ago but this is the exact reason why. I let my emotions get in the way and it’s difficult to get myself out.

I am sorry I don’t have a better job and that I can’t afford to pay you properly right now. I hope it doesn’t mean things will be weird. I didnt know what else to do when my car broke, I need it for work. Feeling really needy tonight and I want it to go away. Thanks anyway.

Dear T,
Thanks for the reassurance today when I said I worried you'd think I was too dependent with my weepy "Now I won't see you again until Monday" comment. I'm glad you're so understanding and compassionate lately. It feels like you get it on some other level now, maybe because we'll all in this pandemic thing together. How we're living in, as you said in an email the other day, "strange and difficult times." And the sense I get is that you're struggling with it as well. Stay safe and healthy...
Love you,
LT

you are so being mommy right now.

I wanted to ask you if you were going to open up soon as we are starting to open things up. I know how much older your husband is than you and I wouldn't want him to get sick either.

I love you

Dear Info,

If I email you, you’d damn well better not respond with “I hear you” or “X is tough.” You have a brain. Admittedly I have seen no good evidence for that, but supposedly everybody has one.

So it’d be nice if you used it on occasion.

ATAT

Haven’t seen you for 8.5 weeks now. Wonder if I’ll see you when you eventually start seeing people in person again. I go back & forth on this. Some closure might be nice at the very least.

I know it’s the weekend but can you at least do “something?” I’m in crisis mode right now. Don’t leave me hanging.

I miss you. I wish I could talk to you but I don’t know what I’d say. I just want you to tell me that everything’s going to be okay.