Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

I can't! It's too hard and horrible and I'm horrible and I hate everything!

please????

You were still different in yesterday's session, and all that crying wiped me out emotionally for the rest of the day.

I signed up for a session of counselling at my school, which they only started offering last month, because we're split from the main school travelling to the other location would have been an hour away.

For the past two days I've been waking up with anxiety attacks first thing in the morning like I used to have before.

There's so much I feel like I can't talk to you about.

I can't live anymore

Dear T,
Please say something in response to last night's email? I know I said you didn't have to write a novel, but at least a few words would be good. Maybe you're having family time this morning or something. Hope you're OK. And also that you're not annoyed. Or think I'm being too needy or anything.
Love,
LT

ETA: Thank you for your response. It's good to know you're proud of me for how I handled what happened with H.

I'm worried. I don't want to lose my mom's mom.

I am an endless source of frustration to myself.
Every time I reach out, I have an unnecessary guilt trip.
Even though you have said it is OK.

You called me "darling". This is the second time. I think it was a mistake again, but I am thrilled. I am not a darling, but hearing you say it (even by mistake and probably because you forgot who you were talking to) has warmed me. I won't have this conversation with you because of my shame, but I like that you said it.

Don't let this go to your head!! You are still a horror and I would like to quarantine you permanently. Permanently!!

Please don’t blame yourself. I know you said you would. But it’s honestly not your fault at all.

Everything I make is awful but I still want to show it to you.

I'm just sad T.

I need to remind myself that I have plenty, plenty of other people that care about me and support me besides you and maybe if I remember that and remind myself, then I won’t have this gut wrenching feeling inside about losing you.

I feel restricted. There are hard things to talk about, and I want to wait, but nobody knows how long.
By a process of elimination, it's somehow easier to talk.

I wish I could see you right now, Im worried one of us will get sick before Tuesday

I’m trying not to be snooty, but have you heard of spellcheck or perhaps considered proofreading before hitting the send button? It’s getting hard to keep you any sort of pedestal if you can’t send a brief email without at least 3 spelling or punctuation errors.

I wish.... We could talk more quickly than Wednesday! I'm trying but I can't avoid the paper and other assignments for ever. I need to feel better.

Yes I wasn't sui but I was afraid my mind would go that way. So I called. Not the best use of your time. As I should have stopped and taken care of me earlier. Now I'm thinking I'm stupid. Is sleep going to happen tonight. My stomach feels like there is a dance party. And the earthing that I tried made my stomach start. I'll have to try that for less time next time. I need to get a phone appointment with my gi specialist to make sure it's okay to do earthing. I'm scared that it won't be okay. I'm scared of asking for help. Why??

What happened to you?? Did a higher power replace you with a clone or something? Alternate reality? Parallel universe?

...!!

i miss you, y'know.

You feel really far away, and I hate it.
I feel like there's no chance of normal any time soon.

Why? I feel like crap. I can't focus. My stomach is not happy. This sucks and I'm afraid of where my mind will go. I'm trying to control it but.... That's hard to do.

Dear T,
It was nice to laugh with you a couple times today, especially with the dance thing at the end. I needed that.
Love you,
LT

Am I just too serious? Is the pain that I feel in my stomach the cells there or my brain, or a combination.

I hate this! I'm not going down a rabbit hole. I am worried and that's not helping. How will I get stuff done???

Dear T,
Though I am bothered with you comparing the stuff with H to burning yourself on the stove. I think we need to talk about that.
Love,
LT

I'm in over my head! I wish the time could change, tommorow seems too far away. In three hours I'll talk with a GI specialist, I hope I can get what I need to feel better. I feel distracted and I need to take care of me but there are mental blocks.

I feel doomed!