Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

Dear T,
Felt really connected to you for a few moments there at the end of session. Part of what can be especially difficult to me about Zoom sessions is that it can feel like such an abrupt ending. This felt more like how an ending would be in your office, like with the handshake, saying a few parting words to each other, making eye contact. So, let's try to make the Zoom session endings more like that from now on, OK? Your saying "We'll talk in 2 days" today helped. And wave would be nice, too--you did that once at end and tend to do that at the beginning. I suppose I could just tell you these things...

Also, not sure if you've noticed I seem to start crying again most sessions when we have 5 minutes left, even if I'd been OK a bit before that. It's because I don't want to say goodbye. But I'm not sure if I should tell you that. The thing is though, while part of it is about not wanting to say goodbye to *you*, a big part of it is also, "OK, end of 'me' time, back to the real world of being trapped in a house with 2 other people, back to trying to hide my emotions." I suppose I could tell you all that. I imagine it wouldn't come as a surprise at all.
Love you,
LT

T-

You're never going to be who I want you to be, are you?

-c

You said in the second email tonight your feelings about me haven’t changed. So what are your feelings about me to begin with? Why am I spiraling so much today?

We have never ended a session like we did tonight. We talked about a lot. We ended with me feeling horribly. Normally we change the subject to something fun and grounding. Tonight we just ended. I knew your family was waiting to have dinner with you so I didn't want to keep you longer. UGH. I know we will get through this but it sucks

Seven year anniversary of something so difficult. And I'd really like to see you to talk about it. I've realized just how human you are ( in a good way ) , because from some people I can't believe what I'm seeing.

This was the first (phone) session that felt okay to me. Thanks for that link too! <3

Your lack of enthusiasm about my person is alarming sometimes. It might all be in my head, but it’s more likely there is some truth to it. I know these must be troubling times for everyone, so to keep saying you are fine is annoying. Have you ever felt like sharing a dream with me? I’m scared I’m just imagining any closeness between us. I hate waking up in this world.

Please let me know what's happening tomorrow morning?

What I really wanted to say to you is that I feel like you're drifting away from me. I am finding it hard to hang onto the solidity of the connection we have always shared, both because of the situation in the world and what is going on with you. I'm so upset that you rearranged for at the end of the week instead of the earliest you could see me, which basically tells me that you aren't as keen to see me as I am to see you, which of course should be the case anyway, but I hoped it wasn't. I also wanted to tell you that I longed to ask for a few minutes with you on the phone or online as you said I could the other week, but I was too scared to ask. That fear results from the increasing sense that I'm losing you.

The worst thing is I can't tell you any of this. Normally I could tell you whatever I am feeling, even the really painful stuff about how we are working together, and we always deal with it together. I'm too scared. I can't say what I really want because I fear you will say no and the rejection will be more than I can bear.

That's why I said that I'm not bothering to explain. It's my stuff to deal with anyway.

Probably you've already forgotten about me, but I'd really like to talk to you... actually, just seeing you would help. My head is starting to see everything in black again and I'm afraid of it.

Thanks for the update. Relieved that we have an appointment tomorrow.
This is really bringing up July 2018 vibes for me, and that scares me...because it's insensitive to actually mention that to you.

i feel so guilty/needy/clingy for needing to know how you're doing. but i'm afraid to reach out because your last update sounded like don't call me i'll call you when you said you'd stay in touch. so i can't let myself call or email. i have to somehow find faith that you're still alive and will recover from this and that you'll eventually let me know you're working again.

i suck at having faith right now.

i am missing therapy sooooooooooooooooo much these days

dang it.... why does this have to be so hard and confusing.

Please don't bring up the email next week! I'd rather wait and talk in your office, if we ever get back there.

.............

I cried today.

Is it all just me?

The thing is though I already know we can solve this rupture eventually, but it was the same thing with my old best friends that I wasn't doing enough to help myself.

Day 7 of my cough and I haven't been able to sleep properly for the past two days.

You said to call you if it got worse. It's worse. Not sure if I should call you though. I feel like a 7.5 on a scale of 0 to 10 with 10 being the worst. Yesterday I was an 8. Of course I know you'll just say I need to go to the hospital. Sigh. I'll just keep it to myself I guess.

I want to see you, but then when the session starts I immediately freeze up. Is it the video session or is it you? Or it’s mostly likely me. I wish we could do everything through email. But you said last week we couldn’t do it because we can’t bill insurance. I’m glad you still reply to my emails sometimes.

Thinking of you and hoping you are on the mend.

I want a re-do

Why does life have to be so hard? It's been a rollercoaster week and it's Thursday!!! I have a major assignment due on the next appointment. And inside I may freaking out, on the outside I look like I have everything together.

slowly unraveling
thread by increasingly
ragged thread
afraid to reach out
for help
because what if...
the unspeakable.
this darkness deeper than
the one that came before
this descent a more insistent numb
as if I'm losing more
than just myself

I'm struggling with these virtual sessions. I miss seeing you in person so much.

I wear them because I want that feeling but I want something that I can wear all day. I’ve had a hard time these past couple days but I haven’t emailed you because I can handle things myself. I don’t need to email you every time things get bad.