Grieving Therapy

Im thinking about your words Rive. thank you…

but yes, wanting to end my life is the best thing for me and the most wanted thing. i have been chasing it for years and maybe now it will be possible. and this is best for Ts too because they wont be responsible, feel hurt, sad, betrayed, failure or whatever. now THEY ARE FREE FROM ME.

BUT I MISS THEM.... AND I CANT STAND HOW MUCH DIFFERENTLY THAN USUAL THEY HAVE RESPONDED THIS TIME. I CANT CONCEPTUALIZE THIS. ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY. they are not them anymore. what happened to them??? what have i done? what are they thinking and feeling? do they hate and are disgusted by me now??? never loved me a little bit?

i cant stand when plans are ruined and i cant find a way to fix it. now its all ruined. relationships with them are ruined and not fixable. i've lost everything.

im BPD. what has been triggered is ABANDONMENT. (no matter i terminated them, in my mind they left me!)

Today is my bday. fT surprised me and sent me a bday whishes text. It made me happy, it moved me but also got me confused. I answered thank you with an emo with tears in the eyes, thank you and a heart. Its not unusual for me to text her with emoticons. I just dont understand why she did it and what she would have expected from me. Did i do right? Anything else or different i could have done or said?

Happy birthday!

There are a million different responses which you could have given and a million other things which you could have done. You will torture yourself by replaying all possibilities.

Thank you, its true. i'll never know for sure.

at least fT remembered of me. mT has disappeared and now im more and more afraid he will never answer me back to that last email. i trusted him… maybe he thinks its better this way. i miss both.

im alone.

it would be cruel to go back or re contact any of them. ill try to hold on.

Thank you ALL. and best wishes and love to everyone

Happy birthday to you, sinking

Hugs and Happy Birthday! My birthday is tomorrow, and I mentioned it a couple times during session (in the context of talking about stuff), but T didn't say anything about it when I was leaving. I wanted to be like, "Wish me a happy birthday!" but that would seem silly. Hoping he'll say something when I see him Monday and mention it. Maybe he's the sort who won't say Happy Birthday till the actual birthday has happened.