[nottrustin]

There was a traumatic event with one of my children over the weekend. I spent all day yesterday with my child dealing dealing with the police and such and had my regularly scheduled appointment in the evening. In some ways T was great but she also totally missed the mark and made me feel horrible. Near the end of the appointment she apologized and said she had heavily utilized CBT rather than focusing on the pain I was in. I didnt reapond. Some of the the things that she said during the appoinment was not what I needed to her such as she is an adult you cant protect her...even with s toddler you can be in the same room and they can fall and get hurt. Or you need to focus on the fact that it could have been worse, etc, etc.

It really bothered me so last might I wrote an email. Explaining the pain I am feeling as well has mentioned some of her comments and addressed them from my perspective. She doesnt do email. She allows text and phone calls. Do I send her a message today asking of I can send a link to the message and then we can decide if I should have another this week (if even possible) talk on the phone, or at least she can read it l and we can discuss next time but she has it....or do I just wait until next week?

[Lonelyinmyheart]

I'm sorry you didn't get what you needed from T at such a horrible time. I've had similar experiences with an ex T and know how awful this can leave you feeling. Without knowing your T it's hard to say what is best but I think sending a text to mention/link to the email might be a good option especially if you feel unable to sit with this until the next appointment. I guess it really depends how bad you feel and whether you can wait. I know for me, these kinds of situations can provoke so much pain and anxiety that I would be tempted to make contact, but that's me. I hope things get easier for you all.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

I think both options are fine. If you want to talk early, I'd send her a text, say there's been a lot bothering you and ask for what you need. I don't think she meant any harm by reacting the way she did, but I'd be bothered by it as well.
If you feel like contacting her, I'd certainly go for it. Even if she can't read what you've written down at the moment, often it helps to even just have a call and talk through some things before the next session.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm sorry you had to deal with this experience regarding your child and then to not get what you needed from your T. It sounds to me like she was failing in validating your feelings and experiences. So not only did she not help with the trauma, but it sounds like she left you feeling worse in a way. I mean, "It could have been worse" is generally not helpful in any situation, so I'm surprised a T would resort to that. I'd try texting and/or calling her to see if you can get an extra session or phone call.


I just did this with my T about something, where I felt he missed the mark Monday when I explicitly said that I wanted to talk about x aspect of something that had just happened. But he was trying take a different perspective, and while it was helpful on some level, I felt dismissed about what I'd really wanted to address (somewhat ironically, part of what I'd wanted to addressed had involved feeling dismissed by someone else...). So I asked if he had an extra session, and he was able to give me one yesterday (he's usually very flexible in that regard). It took me a bit of time to get across to him what I needed, but he ultimately got there, and it ended up being a productive, if emotional and difficult, session. I could have just waited till the next session, but I'm someone who prefers to get things resolved sooner than later.


The fact that you're also still dealing with the trauma would suggest to me that you should reach out. The worst that could happen is that she doesn't have any time available to talk on the phone or in person. Hopefully she'll be able to find some time for you though. Hugs...

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by ChickenNoodleSoup

I think both options are fine. If you want to talk early, I'd send her a text, say there's been a lot bothering you and ask for what you need. I don't think she meant any harm by reacting the way she did, but I'd be bothered by it as well.
If you feel like contacting her, I'd certainly go for it. Even if she can't read what you've written down at the moment, often it helps to even just have a call and talk through some things before the next session.

I absolutely agree with you, I do not believe she meant any harm. I honestly believe she was trying to help me and missed the mark

[Taylor27]

I think contacting her would be a good idea. That way you are not sitting with this situation for a while. Sometimes my t misses the mark and she is great when it helps her know when i come back and let her know. Last time i waited til my session and she let me know it was okay to phone her right away so i didn't feel more anxious. I don't think your t meant any harm either, sometimes it just happens and needs further discussion. I hope she can read your e-mail too. Hugs

[*Beth*]

I get sooo tired of the "they're adults, there's nothing you can do." Just because my children are adults doesn't mean I'm not their mom anymore.

[Omers]

I would contact her in one of the ways she allows and let her know about the email. It really sucks that she missed what you needed by that much. My T has not done the same thing but a couple of times he has done similar things. When we have talked about it he usually admits that when the wound is that fresh and raw he wants SO badly to do everything perfect that he ends up totally messing it up. He has always felt horrible after similar sessions. He has also always been very thankful for the opportunity to fix it/talk through it before I spiral it into something bigger than it started out as.
I hope you and your daughter are able to find the peace, healing and support you need.

[nottrustin]

I ended up texting her and told her about the letter I wrote and gave her 3 options I could send her the link and we could discuss it next week, I could send her the link and we could schedule a time to talk at some point for which I will gladly pay for her time, or I could just hold on to it and being it into my appointment next week and she could read it and we would discuss next week.

She asked me to send her the link and we could arrange a time to chat. I sent it a while ago. I suspect she will respond tomorrow

[LonesomeTonight]

Glad she replied saying you could arrange a time to talk. Hope the talk ends up being helpful.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Glad she replied saying you could arrange a time to talk. Hope the talk ends up being helpful.

I am pretty sure it will. I trust that we will discuss and work it out

[nottrustin]

Update:

I just got off the phone with her. It was a good conversation. I started off by telling her that I was sure I was misinterpreting her and what I heard was totally not her intentions. I told her briefly what I heard in general she apologized and said she had realized what she was doing was not what I needed. She asked for specific things she said that were hurtful. I told her that there were a few things but again I was pretty sure she did not intend to hurt me. She wanted to know what they were though so we could talk about it. So I told her. She again apologized and could understand why I heard that even though it was not what she was saying. She also apologized for not truly being present to the pain and instead was trying to help me look at things from a different perspective. Which was not how she wanted to handle it.

At the end she said if anything like this happens always contact her. She is glad I did rather than hold on through the weekend.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Sounds like a good therapist.

Sorry you are going through whatever it is with your adult child. The hard part of having adult children is that almost all we can do IS feel at this point. We can't control their lives. We can't make their decisions. We can't even fix things. I almost feel more helpless as the parent of adult children than I did when they were living under our care.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm glad she was so understanding and supportive on the phone call. And that she encouraged you to reach out again if there are future misunderstandings.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

Sounds like a good therapist.

Sorry you are going through whatever it is with your adult child. The hard part of having adult children is that almost all we can do IS feel at this point. We can't control their lives. We can't make their decisions. We can't even fix things. I almost feel more helpless as the parent of adult children than I did when they were living under our care.

She is a great therapist she has helped me so much. She is not perfect but she freely admits it and will apologize for missteps or miscommunications.

It definitely does. She admitted today and in the past that she knows what the books say about raising older children but since her child is 4 she does actually have first hand knowledge. She knows this is a area that is not her strongest point so she may make mistakes but wants me tell her.

[Rive.]

What a good therapist. Even though she was trying to help, she still recognises how she missed you and didn't give you what you needed. That is very rare..