Grieving Therapy

If you are sure you don't want to go back to them, your best bet is to write them off and move on. It might seem unfair and/or their answer may not be what you would have expected but there is nothing you can do to change their reactions.

They may be surprised, they may have reacted poorly (e.g. female T), they may not want to 'chase' clients etc. Who knows. These are mere assumptions.

Leaving them was painful enough from what you write. Don't compound it by further analysing, second guessing or torturing yourself.

IF you did want to continue seeing them (nothing wrong with that, either), then tell them. Otherwise, close the chapter and move on with your life. The alternative will only make you feel worse.

Thank you all for your words…

weekends are more bearable because i wouldnt have had contact with them even if i still were their patient.

weekdays make me crazy

im enjoying the weekend sleeping it off...

Thank you Rive,

but you know its not that easy. for me it really is as if they both have died, as if im facing a sudden double grief.

you cant just turn the page, especially when the way we parted wasnt one that made me feel peace but a lot of other negative feelings.

its as if they had an accident and we didnt get to say goodbye in a good way and there are things left unsaid, at least from their part.

its like we met and they both said "next time i'll tell you something" but then they have an accident and im left wondering what is it that they wated to say…. this doesnt help turning the page, it makes me feel stuck hanging and wondering.

and i know theres nothing i can do and thats why im not going to contact them again, but the questions and doubts in my mind remain...

its like we didnt have a real ending, so how can i turn the page?

You are absolutely right, it is not easy.

Unfortunately, the point is that they are withholding what you want i.e. an answer. So, what to do? Going over it in your mind over and over again sounds painful enough and will not resolve the situation. If anything, it just keeps the pain alive.

It is like when you have a wound or a scab, try to distract yourself and not keep picking at the wound.

I am just encouraging you to try and not dwell on these people so much, or the why's of the situation. There is no way to know why. By all means, vent about it but then distract and try to move on. Build other resources, other distractions, other support systems so your mind won't snap back to them and the wound won't seem so fresh. It will take time. It won't happen overnight but you have to try to help yourself.

Thank you Rive.

Thats the best advice i could get.

there is so much left unsaid.

i had all the care and concern and thoughtfulness of not letting them in this place… and then, THEY left me exactly in the same place i have tried to avoid for them to find themselves in.

agan, it seems unfair… punishemnt, anger, or even indifference and thats what hurts the most.

their INDIFFERENCE.

It sounds like you forgot it was you who terminated, not them. They were working with you on your welfare as long as you wanted to. Then you said you were done and they accepted it as they are supposed to. Also it sounds like their door is open for you if you want to continue therapy. Then you need to contact them to tell them so. It might be a good idea. Maybe you were not ready to quit in such short notice.

I am sorry you are hurting so badly, sinking..

i KNOW I terminated them and im fine with it. im not doing well with them wanting me to email them and then not answering at all or answering telling me theres no need for further contact. which IS understandable, but contradicts what she's been saying all the way (that circumastance may change and i may want to come back).

they just reacted like they are not themselves anymore. and im left confused and wanting an explanation but not wanting to ask.

also, today i decided im going to quit going at the mental health center too, which is where id get meds and talking with pdoc.
im DONE with it all. i hate everything, i hate everyone, i hate life and i hate myself and i just cant wait for the end.

It seems to me that they are treating you like an adult who has made an informed decision about your own care. They are taking you at your word and respecting your agency. Maybe this is so painful because it wasn't adult you who terminated with them - maybe it was a younger part of you who pushed them away in the hope that they would come back and hold you. They haven't responded in that way and you are desperate as a result.

Maybe.

but i cant help wndering why asking me to email them and then not answering or answering with something she could have just said in last session??? why hurting me with that last email?

and why acting so differently than in the past?

and what are they feeling about me?

why letting me think there may have been a real closure (where they had things to tell me) and then just disappear. is this the right closure accordingly to them?

and

maybe i just reacted as a child, but the more the time passes the more convinced i am that i dont want to go back.

i just wish we had a better closure where there are no unsaid things from their part, which is what they made me believe with their last contacts….

im really mad, disappointed and hurt and confused. they should have just left it at that, without asking me for one last email. all of this wouldnt have happened!

The thing is, if you feel you want/need closure, then you need to ask them for that. When I terminated with my T back in September, a couple weeks later, I asked if it would be possible to come back in and talk. He agreed, and I ended up deciding to continue seeing him (and am glad I did). But had I not explicitly asked to come in and talk to him, he likely would not have responded anymore to my emails after I terminated (in session). You mention how your T's had said in the past that you could have come back to see them in the future after you'd stopped. Sending them an email talking about the termination and hoping for a response is different from saying "I want another session" or "I want to resume therapy with you." They may still be completely open to that.


From things my T has said, if a client terminates, he likely wouldn't email afterward, unless it was them asking if they can come back in. (If it was a former client just sending an update on their life, he might reply with "thanks for the update, glad you're doing well" or something. But not respond therapeutically.)

So think about what you want. If you want closure (and it seems you do), then ask for an additional session.


Also, I'd be careful in also stopping other counseling and meds so abruptly...

Thank you all for your continuous support, your wise words and advices, but i feel i have my hands tied.

i already asked both if we could have an extra session and neither of them replied or accepted

but reality is that i do not want to go back.

i just would have liked a better reply from fT (one that wouldnt have been triggering) and ANY answrer from mT, after THEY asked me to email them after our final session.

this makes no sense to me and thats why i cant seem to find peace.

I got the sense, though, that when you asked about the extra session, you said you'd go to an additional session if *they* wanted to ask you more/get more answers. So you were offering them an extra session vs. requesting one. Does that make sense? It sounded like you were offering that session for *them* rather than requesting it for you. So it's not that they denied your request for a session. They just said *they* didn't need one. Therapy is supposed to be for the client, not the therapist, so I think they were trying to be ethical.

Thank you. Yes, this makes sense...

Im letting it all go...

So now anger about fT is leaving and sadness is taking its place....

But theres still mT... i.... m..... still stupidly waiting for his answer by email. I cant believe he wont answer. Deadline is feb 13, when we should have met accordingly to his last text. If past that i wont have heard from him at all... then i guess it will all be done and over with for good... but mT cant leave me lile this... not him, not like this... he had promised me... he must keep his word.

I have huge issues with trust. He was one i could believe in and trust... if its not him, its nobody and my issues with trust (not mT or fT) will have cured that a little bit. I can trust nobody. My mom taught me that when i was very little... maybe it was a good lesson to learn...

Today is hard. I dreamed of fT (never happened before in 4yrs), she was calling me saying she had it wrong and we can continue for another month. She was laughing and crying and i was stunned sensing her pain. She said we'd meet mon at 8. Needless to say this morning at 8 i was almost crying and this sadness doesnt seem to want to go away. Now i miss her so much, no matter what.

...and still stupidly waiting for an email from mT.

This will never end. I'll have to kill myself to find some peace. Actually i want peace for myself and also a little bit punish everyone i know, especially close ones for whatever each of them have done to me...

I cant work like this i cant live like this, i want to off myself

Wanting to kill yourself because of their non-response really highlights how you were not ready to stop therapy, sinking.

IF you were really okay with ending it with them, you would not be that affected.

Instead, experiencing that amount of distress and your current expectations, suggests that maybe you were testing them... or wanting them to plead with you to stay with them. This (for any decent professional) will not happen. IF you state you want to leave, most will respect that and let you go. However they feel about it, they will not chase you.

i know and i dont want to go back or them asking me to go back. i really dont.
i just thought it was easier, i would not feel so alone and not have this feeling of having left with unsaid things, as if the closure werent complete.

i miss them, what can i do?

my whole life was leaning on and rhtymed by T appts. and what i would tell them.
now im lost.
i had the sui plan organized anyway, at least (i thought), i wouldnt have to explain, say goodbye, apologize or feel too much guilt without them around...

Do you have friends or family to turn to for support?

A crisis line or psychiatric ER?

It really sounds like it was not ok to quit all your support. Remember it is ok also to admit it and re-establish the therapy.

Yes but i dont trust anyone to talk about my feelings and i dont want to explain anyone what im doing and why. Im all alone except for this forum.

And i was scared to admit all the truth here too because there are rules and i dont want to break them. (Any time it happened it happened without me knowing so i can even trust what to say here)

I dont trust anyone, i dont trust anyone, not even me. I just have to hang on a bit longer...

i tried to not hurt them. they hurt me.
i tried to have a good ending, they havent.
i said goodbye staying open to further contacts, they havent.
i need them, they dont need me.
i dont want to need them either.
i only feel like dk and kt and jump
not doing anything but taking pills but seriously thinking about all this
cant tell anyone
maybe not even here
sorry.

ive been in T for 13 yrs if im not ready now, when? will i ever be ready? i doubt that so i had to follow what was rationally best for everyone
best for everyone

No, therapists don't need clients. Doctors don't need patients. Teachers don't need students. It is a professional relationship, boundaried and mostly time-limited, with the aim to help a client.

It is not the norm for therapists to be open to further contact, once the professional relationship ends. So, by saying goodbye to them, the professional relationship effectively ended. Truth be told, even if you did have the closure session you so ardently wish for, it would still hurt because you would not be seeing them again. There would still be this void. Then what...?

Finally, self-growth takes as long at it takes, sometimes a lifetime, as long as we keep at it. There is no shame in that.

I don't think your decision was rational, and most certainly not best for yourself.

Rive,

Well, yes, technically doctors need patients otherwise their profession would be useless, but i get what you mean and i totally agree. I wasnt complaining about it, i was just stating what happened.

Both my Ts have always said that as doctors, they will always be there if needed: as "normal" doctors when you call them for a flu or something worse. They are there in case of need, in case of life changes, in cases of crisis... In that i always felt lucky.

Yes, i know it would still hurt had i had the end i wanted because all ends are painful and thats why i compared it to a death, a loss, a grief...

I think i did well ending therapy, i just wasnt really prepared to the way it ended.

Why not rational and why not best for all???

True, the ending might not be what you wanted to happen but unfortunately, this is part and parcel of life. People let us down, promises are broken, things don’t turn out as expected, the rug is pulled under our feet.

However, your reaction to it all is... disproportionate. This suggests it does not come from a rational but an emotional place. A deep wound or at least trigger (coming from a younger place?) has been touched.

You don’t know what is best for them, sinking. No human being can know what is best for any other single person. This would be mere assumption, mind-reading or projection - not fact.

Finally, wanting to end your life because they did not reach out to you by email, seeing no point to life over it all... How can that be the best option for you?