T touched my hand and I almost died.

OMG. I don't know even if even knew he was touching it.

I was totally "out there" because of something triggering. He was trying to ground me and decided to do a little EMDR. I don't know if anyone is familiar with the EMDR buzzer machine thingy (don't know the proper name) but it is a little box that has a long wire. Connected to the wire are two circles. You hold one in each hand and they vibrate. Anyway, T was putting the circle thingies in my hands and I was sitll way "out there" and he paused to tell me something important. And as he paused to tell me, our hands were touching. And he left his hand there for a few seconds until he was done with what he was saying. Then I took the circle thingy. I almost died. In two years and three months I have never so much as brushed against his hand, shook his hand, nothing. This was the first time ever I got to see how he felt. Of course I told him none of this because there was way too much going on and plus I already feel like a total idiot. I'm thinking of telling him on Saturday. I'm sure he touched me by accident, but either way it meant something to me and it is my feelings that count.

He was absolutely amazing during this session. At one point we were talking about the reciprocity of feelings, particularly outside of session and he said, "I think about you. I care about you."

We created my very own safe place. We made up a city apartment and "decorated" it with all the things I would want. Then he took me through my "apartment" while using the EMDR machine.

He gave me a guided imagery CD that he finds amazing. I can't wait to try it.

OMG I love my T. In the brilliant words of Sister, "OMG OMG OMG."

Oh, love the guided imagery CD idea! I bought a nineteenth century, brass, house key that I have on my key chain and that opens the door to the walled garden off my safe place library/office/"room" (think "My Fair Lady", Henry Higgins study with computers :-) The walled garden is part Frances Hodgson Burnett, "The Secret Garden," and part "Me".

Did you ask him to pinch you to see if you were dreaming? LOL

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"I think about you. I care about you."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You must have just melted (in your own words)!

I'm glad you are feeling better.

I still can't believe that after all this time I got to experience what he felt like, even if it was in the most minor, insignificant way. This man is like an angel to me. To feel his hand was to confirm that he is, in fact, real.

My dilemma: do I share this with him on Saturday?

I'm going to listen to the guided imagery right now.

Wow!!! Will you never wash that hand now? Cover it with Saran Wrap and explain why when you go in on Saturday?

What a dream come true, pinksoil! yay!

Let us know how the guided imagery is, okay?

it IS a dream come true - didn't you just dream this morning that he pinched your arm?! ... which really, when we can't believe something or something is scary and unreal we think "i need to pinch myself, see if i'm dreaming"... well sounds like you were in an altered state (triggers) and he touched you, bringing you back... very much like "pinching oneself" to bring self back.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
to feel his hand was to confirm that he is, in fact, real.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yeah. He is real and you are real and you two together are real. Whoa. Unlike the rest of us, you are having a real relationship with T.

It sounds like your session was really loving!!

Should I tell him????????

Well, you can if you want but he already knows.

TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

the mindreader.

Yep. Do tell! I can't wait to hear his response.

Tell him! I'm dying to hear how he responds. (I disappeared for a while while i was traveling, but I'm still following the threads...)

:-)

Sid

Haha of course you are all going to say-- yes! tell him!

I don't know if I can do it.

Me: Oh, by the way when your hand lingered against mine for a moment that meant so much to me. It brought me into a kind of reality that I had never been to before. And I really needed that at that moment.

T: I touched your hand?

you're right, he probably didn't notice at the time, because he was saying something.. it wasn't meant in a deliberate way... BUT it does give you that feeling of him being real, AND it gives you a good reason now to talk about touch. How would it be therapeutic? or something like that? Now you know how it can be because you know what it did for you.

Pink,
I don't know. I think if you tell him the chances of it inadvertently happen again may diminish. He may be more cautious in the future. If you liked it, and want it to happen again maybe keeping it to yourself would be a good idea.

However, if it is important to your treatment that he knows everything, then I would disclose it. I think your own training in this area could tell you if it is something clinically significant.

Since I'm living vicariously through your therapy my question for you is...Did he have big hands? ;-)

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
mckell13 said:
Pink,
I don't know. I think if you tell him the chances of it inadvertently happen again may diminish. He may be more cautious in the future. If you liked it, and want it to happen again maybe keeping it to yourself would be a good idea.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This was something I was afraid of in the past. That if we talked about something that he did, he would never do it again.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
However, if it is important to your treatment that he knows everything, then I would disclose it. I think your own training in this area could tell you if it is something clinically significant.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes, this is me. I am from the idea that for effective treatment, nothing can be held back. This was extremely significant for me, so it has to be told. This doesn't mean I have tons of resistance and humiliation all the time, but in the end, I believe everything should be disclosed.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Since I'm living vicariously through your therapy my question for you is...Did he have big hands? ;-)

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

%#@&#! huge .
No, jk. They were of average size. lol. Of course he had to touch me with the hand that has the stupid %#@&#! wedding ring. I should have ripped it off.

Pink (((hugs))) I will go against the tide here and say, No don't tell him, yet. This might not need to be discussed in such intensity. Let your own self live with the experience a little bit. IF it doesn't diminish, as it normally would and probably should, then you can work at discussing why he touched your hand. It might be that you WERE "out there" and he was just helping to bring you back and ground you. (You know, similar to stomping your feet to feel?)

This is empowering you. He is establishing what I hope is a very safe relationship with you. It might appear to be larger than life because () you may have never experienced a safe relationship in your life. Everyone needs to be cared about, and that includes you. If T can express this caring, which any good T creates for a patient, then he can help you realize there are safe people in the world.

TC!

maybe if you tell him how comforting it was to be touched, who knows, he might progress into hugging you at the end of each session. If you've never talked about touching then he never knew if you wanted it. If the therapist is open to touching it always has to be the client who initiates it. Maybe he's an open one and he gives out hugs regularly to other clients and you didn't even know it! so, if you tell him, it might open a whole other door for you that you didn't even know existed. (that is if you are comfortable with hugs. for me it isn't even a question!!!)

He's definitely a no-hug therapist. A lot of our discussions lately have involved my desire for physical contact from him (hugging, holding) and the reasons for his inability to do so (not therapeutically beneficial, transference, countertransference). Believe me, he knows I want a hug. He knows about a lot of stuff I want from him that you wouldn't believe, lol. That's no secret.

Some things are delicious to keep for yourself.

Do you want to talk more about it? Keep the experience intact, as is? Will it stay intact if you explore it, tell him?

I don't know. I might just want to hang on to it for a while but that's me and based on my experiences of telling something and then it king of lost it's specialness.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
ECHOES said:
Wow!!! Will you never wash that hand now? Cover it with Saran Wrap and explain why when you go in on Saturday?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I remember the first time I terminated with my T she touched my shoulder from behind as I was leaving, just a little pat or squeeze? I didn't mentally wash that shoulder for years, LOL.

I feel like I did experience it both in that moment and afterwards. Now it is something that affects the relationship, the interaction.... because of how I feel about it, so I feel as though it has to be shared. Of course I would rather go under a steamroller, but alas, it must be shared.