[pinkcorr]

A new member of staff started at the TC (Therapuetic community) I'm in 3 full days a week.

I really don't know what to make of her. Me and others in the group have been honest with her about how we feel. I told her yesterday that she seems so fragile, like a little girl. I felt that she should be stronger. I said to her that I knew it was her first week and that it takes time for anyone to settle into TC, whether you are a staff member or a patient. I also said "I don't want to upset you but I'm worried about telling you how I feel incase you crumble" Boss T said "Maybe you want to upset her" I was a bit thrown by this at first (Boss T annoys me lol) and I asked him why I would want to upset her and he said maybe you want to test her. And I think yes I definetly want to test her, most patients test thier T's. I need to know if she's strong enough to hear what I have to say. I need a T to set clear boundaries with me. I felt guilty about what I had said, I still do to an extent.

We were all given the chance to meet with the prospective candidates for the Job and to ask them some questions and answer anything they had to ask. The majority of the group didn't feel she was right for the job, we told the rest of the staff this and she still got the job. So either we were just given the chance to meet with the candidates so it looked like we had a say in who was coming to work with us, or when she did have her formal interview she seemed very able to do the job. Or maybe the fact that the majority of us didn't really like her was a big reason why she got the job in the first place. I guess it is only her first week,I'm yet to get to know this woman and she doesn't know me either, and I may grow to really like her. The honest truth is I don't like her being there, I feel like she's intruding, she's not like the rest of the staff. I'm sure this is just part of my "stuff" but I know I'm not the only one feeling this way. If I was the only one then I would know it was just me being silly.

It just feels very uncomfortable, no one likes change, but it feels like she's not even trying. The TC has a very different way of working than other therapies.

I feel guilty for wanting her just to go away. I like to be able to be honest with the staff, it really helps when I am but as I say she just seems so scared and fragile and I'm scared to be completely honest with her. I don't want to be nasty, but she needs to learn just like the rest of us lol.

x x x x

[perpetuallysad]

You are so good at describing yourself and your feelings. That is really refreshing!

My guess would be that she's scared. Everyone's scared when they start a new job and I can only imagine coming into a group therapy situation must be a million times more intense than some random office job. I would also venture to guess that so many of you being uncomfortable is mostly because she does represent change and it is taking you out of your comfort zone. I am sure that the staff listened to your opinions when hiring the new nurse, but I am hoping/betting that you will all come round and find she makes a good addition. Do you find yourself disliking new members who come for therapy? I think that once you get to know her, things will be different. And just because someone seems fragile, doesn't mean they will break.

You really did a great job of expressing yourself!

[gravyyy]

I agree with perpetuallysad.... the only thing I can add is that it's really hard to respond to the comment "you look to young to be a nurse" or "you look so fragile" (I know because I get these same comments) How do you expect her to respond? It almost immediately puts her on the defensive in a situation where she's going to try to be examining the work environment and the group identity and functioning for the first week or so. It would be impossible and quite disrespectful for her to join the community and try to change the way things work. SHe's probably trying to play the role of observer at this point so as not to stress all of you out by changing things too much. Just give her a chance. After a month if she's still no good, maybe that's worth discussing with her supervisor. But for now, trying to respect the fact that she's trying to show you all resepect is probably going to get you alot farther. Hope all this works out for all of you.

[pinkcorr]

Thank you perpetually sad and gravyy

I don't usually dislike members of the group but there has been two people who were already there when I first started and I didn't like them. One of them is about to leave next week and we've both grown to like each other, In fact this person means alot to me, I'm really sad thats she's leaving and I never thought I'd think that a few months ago. In fact it was quite the opposite. So hopefully I will grow to like this new staff member. I will try hard to give her chance and I think that I will still be honest with how I feel about her, this is the way TC works. Most of has have learned to trust each other enough to be honest, even when its something that may be challenging both to me and the other person.

Things take time, I'm very impatient, I want things to happen NOW lol. Alot of the time I want to fix me NOW, sometimes I want others to fix me. Instant gratification rarely works for me but I still crave it at times

But thank you both again its good to get other peoples perspectives, especially if your a nurse Gravyy?

[pachyderm]

If the new nurse is fragile -- why do you have to take care of her?

[gravyyy]

Great response Pink... I am indeed a nurse. My essential point basically echoed what perpetuallysad was saying in that change is uncomfortable for everyone. It's totally fine for you to be honest with this new staff member and let her know about the anxiety or discomfort you're feeling related to her just starting there. There's nothing wrong with that at all... in fact it's great. You'd be stating how you feel but undoubtedly how the rest of the group (the new nurse included) feel as well. It's hard when group members change, especially the leader. So your feelings related to all this seems to be completely normal.

To Pachyderm... I don't think Pink has to take care of this new nurse at all. She can, however, express her concerns, discomforts, and anxieties related to the new nurse being there in a diplomatic and non-confrontational way. Of course she can't know how the new nurse is going to react to things but we can all be mindful of the way we say things or present things. From my experiences it always works better in group situations when we say things with the understanding that other people have feelings as well. Converations go better when no one seems to be "attacking" anyone else with their words.

That's all my point is... absolutely tell new nurse that she makes you uncomfortable or that you're uncertain of how she's going to respond if you bring up something challenging. Of course you're thinking she looks young, or she looks fragile but she doesn't need to know that... not at first. She will probably totally surprise you with how she handles challenges. Good luck again!!!

[pinkcorr]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

If the new nurse is fragile -- why do you have to take care of her?

I don't want to take care of her hun

x x x x

[jexa]

Originally Posted by pinkcorr

I don't want to take care of her hun

x x x x

But pachy is saying -- why does she need to be able to handle what you are saying? It's like taking care of her, to be cautious what you say around her since she is so fragile..

[pinkcorr]

Originally Posted by jexa

But pachy is saying -- why does she need to be able to handle what you are saying? It's like taking care of her, to be cautious what you say around her since she is so fragile..

I just don't want to upset her....I dunno, I'm not doing so great tonight, alot of other things going on. I've got a thread on Survivors of abuse about whats been going on this week.

Sorry if I upset anyone

x x x x

[perpetuallysad]

I don't think you upset anyone, I think maybe they were trying to help you see that you are the patient and therefore not exactly responsible for how the nurse handles the situations. Don't feel upset for being so honest, I think your honesty is wonderful.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by pinkcorr

The TC has a very different way of working than other therapies.

Because it is so unique, she will probably need some time to learn all the ins and outs of how it works. Give her a little time. It's hard to hit the ground running in such a unique situation. Does anyone in the group feel empathy towards her? When I read what you wrote, I felt what it would be like to be in her shoes, and I think it would be scary and tough! I can also understand how unsettling it must be to have a newcomer T in the group's midst.

she's not like the rest of the staff

That could be a big reason they chose her. It wouldn't necessarily be the best to have all the Ts be too similar. Different perspectives and approaches and personality types could help in the variety of what goes on in the therapy and who you have to identify with or play off against. I know it can feel disenfranchising that your group was given the opportunity to speak with this T before she was hired, did not recommend her, and yet she was hired anyway. But it could be that the reason she was asked to speak with the group beforehand was so that the staff could see how you all interacted with her and she with you. They may have liked what they saw.

I need to know if she's strong enough to hear what I have to say.

What did she say when you told her this? It seems like it would have been a good opportunity for her to share her background and training with you so you can get some reassurance.

I need a T to set clear boundaries with me.

What boundaries would you like her to set?

[jexa]

Originally Posted by pinkcorr

I just don't want to upset her....I dunno, I'm not doing so great tonight, alot of other things going on. I've got a thread on Survivors of abuse about whats been going on this week.

Sorry if I upset anyone

x x x x

Oh no pink!! You didn't upset anyone!!

I'm so sorry things are so hard.. I think pachy meant you don't have to worry about the new nurse's feelings.. therapy is your time, that's all!

But no, no, don't worry about it -- I'm sorry things are so hard right now.

[gravyyy]

I am not upset at all Pink... I certainly can't speak for everyone else. And to clarify again what my point is....

Pink had expressed that she and the others in her group felt uncomfortable with the new nurse leading the group. She had said she was honest with her (which I absolutely applaud) by telling her she seems so fragile and went on to say she felt like the nurse should be stronger. My reply was that the group assimilation may go smoother if she and the others chose ways to get their point across without putting the other person on the defensive. Of course she's not in any way responsible for how this nurse feels or thinks. But I'm sure everyone here can understand that if someone comes up to you and says "you're too young" or "you aren't strong enough" it would immediately put you on the defensive and al meaningful conversation would halt. I don't care how the nurse feels but for Pink's sake, more can be worked through if they are mutually respectful and that can be accomplished simply with the words we choose in situations. SO instead of those previous examples, maybe the conversation could have started with, "hi new nurse. We have been working in this group for a while so I think it's probably natural for us to have nerves about you joining the group as the leader. Change is difficult for me (if it is) and you're so much different than the last leader. What can I do to help me adjust fater to the change......." I mean you could finish with anything. Essentially you are saying the same thing with both statements but one is using a "YOU" statement, which tends to put people on the defensive, and the other is using a more global approach and doesn't seem to be pointing fingers. I'm not telling pink to feel responsible for how her comments affect the nurse, I'm just saying for Pink's sake, to move on in the group and get the most out of it, it's best to proceed diplomatically. Pink is choosing her words to benefit her.

Sorry for the long post, just trying to clarify.... much easier to speak this out rather than type. I'm not trying to offend anyone, just trying to add my perspective since I have it from the side of the nurse and the side of the patient. Sorry all for the confusion.

Great clarification, gravvy. Those good old "I" statements we've all learned would be put to great use in this situation. Hopefully things will adjust. Give it time before making too firm a judgement.

[pinkcorr]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Because it is so unique, she will probably need some time to learn all the ins and outs of how it works. Give her a little time. It's hard to hit the ground running in such a unique situation. Does anyone in the group feel empathy towards her? When I read what you wrote, I felt what it would be like to be in her shoes, and I think it would be scary and tough! I can also understand how unsettling it must be to have a newcomer T in the group's midst.

Yep I agree with this totally. I think maybe one person in the group feels empathy towards her (lol we're a tough bunch to please) I was thinking if she'd come in and tried to take charge last week I wouldn't of been happy with that either so maybe no matter how's she's approached her first week I wouldn't of liked it because change is really hard. Plus the post thats she's come into used to be a very special womens job who only retired two weeks ago. We're all trying to remember thats she's going to be different to our old T and that it'll take time for her and all of us to adjust.

That could be a big reason they chose her. It wouldn't necessarily be the best to have all the Ts be too similar. Different perspectives and approaches and personality types could help in the variety of what goes on in the therapy and who you have to identify with or play off against. I know it can feel disenfranchising that your group was given the opportunity to speak with this T before she was hired, did not recommend her, and yet she was hired anyway. But it could be that the reason she was asked to speak with the group beforehand was so that the staff could see how you all interacted with her and she with you. They may have liked what they saw.

Yeah I don't really believe that they chose her just to annoy us, there will be a very good reason why she was given the job...I get so impatient sometimes, and this is one instance where I can clearly identfy my want for everything to be "sorted" NOW

What did she say when you told her this? It seems like it would have been a good opportunity for her to share her background and training with you so you can get some reassurance.

The only thing she said was that "you were able to talk about things" I think she meant in art therapy and psychodrama, but I wasn't meaning I was scared to talk about my stuff infront of her, I was meaning that I was worried about telling her how I felt about her incase she crumbled. I think it would of been really useful for her to say more about her backround because it feels like we know very little about her, I'm not meaning her personal life because we know very little about any staff members personal life but yeah reassurrance would of been good. I constantly seek reassurance, I don't conciously do this it just happens and I know why it happens.

What boundaries would you like her to set?

I'm not really sure its boundaries that I want or if its just reassurance that she can handle the job, it all seems very shakey just now.

PS. Do you work at my TC?

[pinkcorr]

Originally Posted by gravyyy

I am not upset at all Pink... I certainly can't speak for everyone else. And to clarify again what my point is....

Pink had expressed that she and the others in her group felt uncomfortable with the new nurse leading the group. She had said she was honest with her (which I absolutely applaud) by telling her she seems so fragile and went on to say she felt like the nurse should be stronger. My reply was that the group assimilation may go smoother if she and the others chose ways to get their point across without putting the other person on the defensive. Of course she's not in any way responsible for how this nurse feels or thinks. But I'm sure everyone here can understand that if someone comes up to you and says "you're too young" or "you aren't strong enough" it would immediately put you on the defensive and al meaningful conversation would halt. I don't care how the nurse feels but for Pink's sake, more can be worked through if they are mutually respectful and that can be accomplished simply with the words we choose in situations. SO instead of those previous examples, maybe the conversation could have started with, "hi new nurse. We have been working in this group for a while so I think it's probably natural for us to have nerves about you joining the group as the leader. Change is difficult for me (if it is) and you're so much different than the last leader. What can I do to help me adjust fater to the change......." I mean you could finish with anything. Essentially you are saying the same thing with both statements but one is using a "YOU" statement, which tends to put people on the defensive, and the other is using a more global approach and doesn't seem to be pointing fingers. I'm not telling pink to feel responsible for how her comments affect the nurse, I'm just saying for Pink's sake, to move on in the group and get the most out of it, it's best to proceed diplomatically. Pink is choosing her words to benefit her.

Sorry for the long post, just trying to clarify.... much easier to speak this out rather than type. I'm not trying to offend anyone, just trying to add my perspective since I have it from the side of the nurse and the side of the patient. Sorry all for the confusion.

Thanks Gravyyy,
I didn't really think you were upset, i was just ultra sensitive last night. I did say some of the things you've mentioned to her. My reason for telling her how I feel personally is because I don't want to be speaking for anyone else in the group. We'd asked her how she felt her first day had gone, this is something that we ask everyone in our chairs meeting and then asked how the rest of the community was feeling about her starting with us. I said that It would take me a while to trust her because I didn't know her and thats just natural but that I also didn't feel uncomfortable doing a psychodrama infront of her on her first day.

I've decided that I need to stop feeling guilty about it and worrying if I may have upset her, this won't do me any good. I'm also not going to go in on Monday and say "I'm sorry", because I don't think I need to be sorry. I just need to think about how to approach it, so like you say it won't put her in that defensive position. I'd appreciate any feedback on this. Or maybe I don't need to say anything? Its a big week next week, one of our members is finishing and its our last week before the holidays so there is alot of feeling around that from and others. Maybe I need just be spontaneous and take it as it comes instead of worryiny about what may or may not happen. I keep coming back to that, its one of my main cognitive distortions. I've already decided how a person will react before I even say anything, so I'm trying to remember this.

Wow there's so much to remember, and keep myself in check for. I'm looking forward to our time off, just so I'm not in therapy mode CONSTANTLY

Thanks for everyones replies, they've been really helpful!