Couch 214: The chihiro couch

My company has already laid off a handful of people, including one on my team. But apparently they've also taken out loans in the hundreds of millions range to stay afloat during all this. I can't even fathom that amount of money. Yeah, I work for a fairly large company that it's likely you've at least heard of. I'd be more than willing to take a pay cut, but if I lose my job, that feels like game over for me. I don't think I can perform well enough in a job interview with my depression to get a new position. I used to feel confident that I came across in interviews as competent. I'm not sure I would at this point.

Didn’t get called in!!!

My goals for today are to go outside, make lavender simple syrup, review some proofs for a publication, respond to some emails, do 15 minutes of yoga, play the mandolin for a bit, and take lots of naps.

I found out I won’t have a job in June. And still not divorced. Courts are closed right now.

I alternate between “It’s going to work out somehow” and utter panic.

Oh goodness, WFS I am so sorry. That is too many sad things at once

Oh I'm sorry to hear about your job. Do you have any savings? How soon could you get help from the government?

I hope it doesn't come to you losing your job., but you never know how strong you are until you have to do it.

@Lemoncake, how are things going with your T lately? How did you feel when he said he felt frustrated and disrespected that you couldn't hold on to what he was saying? I do that all. the. time. with my T, especially when something related to my attachment trauma has been reactivated. That is so incredibly normal for somebody with your background.

Working from home today and using my wife's fancy workplace-supplied noise-canceling headphones. They are NICE. I can finally concentrate on what I am doing instead of being distracted by baby antics in the other room.

I was surprised. I didn't think i would affect him like that or that he would even feel anything during session. He also added that he knew that I didn't do it on purpose.

I know that I have also been hiding my video feed for the past few months, so he doesn't have the visual cues to help him.

He has always been able to apologize and admit when he does make mistakes and after three years of therapy with him I already know that every time we have a rupture, that we will be able to work it out. We actually haven't been having as much either- the last one was when he went away over maybe Christmas so a good 4 months+ .

I think it was the heavy crying, but feeling like I was being ignored again that got to me. It felt like he too was also just watching me.

I love him terribly but I think sometime away from him would do me some good.

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I ordered flowers for the girl I went to primary school with whose dad is currently in ICU with CV. I haven't spoken to her for maybe more than 5 years but my mother sees her sisters and mum at lectures and events frequently .

I had written the card online and signed it with my mother's name + family. I was going to edit the card later to include mine too, but they've already dispatched it today when it's supposed to arrive on friday.

My mother said they might not know who sent it. Her mother was also my teacher for primary school for two years in a row so I'm hoping my surname might ring a bell but I feel like she's right though.

It was the Ruthie from here but I had a code so didn't pay full price for it:

If you are in the UK I can give you a referal code so £10 off your first order and £10 off my next one .

Bloom & Wild Flower Delivery | Flowers & Gifts

Which brand are they?

I can't focus unless I have an audibook going in the background.

I was watching this randomly the other day. Think your baby might also find a way to interrupt you soon.

I am feeling incredibly fragile at the moment.

Do you want to talk about about?

Having a hard time with all my safe places becoming virtual at once. Not coping well.

Might sound dumb but I know you're very arty- maybe you could make them physical by creating a model or project of your safe places.

Awwww my BFF from back home sent me a COVID care package with a note, some cookies, and this lovely necklace

Because I hate Zoom with the heat of a thousand suns by now, Info and I are going to half hour sessions every other week for now. (She’s thinking she’ll start in-person sessions again June 1, if our state is open, even if our state opens sooner than that.)

Today she tried to get me to do some experiential thingummy with a colleague who annoys me at times by making two objects me and the colleague and moving them closer and farther apart and how did that make me feel blah blah. (Answer: no different.)

Partial fashion report: tight black scoopneck top. She had to stand up to get her appointment book and I got an eyeful down the valley of the dolls.

ETA: forgot to say, new cat met Info today. New cat was not impressed.

Hugs, WFS. I'm so sorry...

And thats what serotonin actually looks like! How clever!!

Info's vudu is not so good, eh?

Lemoncake, the Ruthie is very beautiful. I would think someone would recognize the family name.

Those escaping babies are very strong!

These two escapees are so cute. Big Brother Helps Sister Out of Crib in Heartwarming Viral Video

In other news, I feel so depressed after my session today. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't feel like going tomorrow but I probably should.

I'm sorry, NP. Going tomorrow seems like a good idea.

Ended up having Dr. T session in my basement this morning because D was in the bedroom (where my tiny desk is) and refused to leave. So Dr. T got to see some of our laundry (realized later that there was a bra in view--oops!) and some of the setup for D, with indoor trampoline and rings on a pull-up bar (I turned computer around to show him rings). Was a bit awkward because I was sitting on pillow on the floor with my computer on a chair. I do think it helped him see how some of his suggestions of "set it up in the basement" wouldn't work, because he saw how small it was.


I brought up something he'd said last session that had bothered me (where I'd felt he was dismissive of something I'd experienced). He was very understanding and apologetic. He also said how well I'd handled it. I said in past, maybe I'd have sent an upset email. But I've realized it can be better to just talk about it.

Some of our conversation in session ended up referencing our conflicts over the summer and stuff with ex-MC, how I've had some "tumultuous therapy." But things seeming good now. I said how I'd thought about reducing sessions soon shortly before Covid happened, and he seemed surprised. Pleasantly so, I guess? I said I'd felt like I was making some positive changes and headed in a good direction, then all this happened. Now I'm actually seeing him more often, but this is a really stressful time for me, with D and H home all the time. Which he gets. I said it's not a time for me to make big changes, but I can try to not slip back too much. I also confirmed t


Near end, I confirmed he's being careful about social distancing. He said he was. I said I knew was personal questioning, but was asking partly because I care about him and partly because I want his support right now. Dr. T: "I appreciate the care. And I get that you don't want a dead therapist." Just after that, I said, " I know we have to stop, but you didn't give me the 3-minute warning dance" (referencing last session). Dr. T said, "This?" and wiggled his shoulders a bit. Me: "Yeah." Was a nice silly moment after basically talking about my fears of him dying.

Today has been kind of a mess since then (like, full coffee cup falling down stairs, hot mess of a distance learning meeting for D, having to call AAA because H's car wouldn't start, D being a mess), but I keep trying to go back to the dancing moment in my mind.

In other news, I accomplished all of my goals for today except the yoga

Wow, that sounds like a really intense dream! I imagine your T isn't the type to want to talk about dreams and their meaning? Mine is open to it on occasion, but doesn't put too much stock in them.


Nice job accomplishing your goals! I...did not do well with mine today, aside from turning in an assignment that was due. And I guess I also cleaned the guinea pig cage, so.