Couch 215: The Overcoming Couch

Yes, I need to work on the outside. I'm OK on our back deck, which is basically our backyard--townhouse--it's fenced in. I think the fence makes me feel protected. Like I've hung out back there with H and D some in the past week or two and been OK. I need to venture to other outside areas.


Something I was talking about with Dr. T is some anxiety of just going and sitting in my car is running into neighbors and feeling I should talk to them (partly Covid stuff, partly social anxiety that makes me want to avoid neighbors beyond just a wave "hi" in general). So that maybe I could just drive the car to another part of my development and either sit there in car for a bit or else get out and walk a little.

I hate picnics too. And as a very small child - was somewhat concerned that yogi and booboo would come and get our food and that my dad would shoot them (my dad did not have a gun and did not harm animals)(and he hated picnics as well - he would indulge my mother once a year and the church he attended once a year - 2 picnics and he would complain about them all year)(and we were no where near yellowstone or any bears)

If you expressed concern to a therapist that you have [x] disorder, and the therapist responds that she "likes to look at your strengths," what would you think? To me that sort of evasion equates to implicit agreement that the therapist thinks you have [x] disorder. For more context, she does not shy away from talking about another disorder I have - so I can't interpret this as her just being the type who avoids labels.

To be clear, it would not bother me if she validated that I have [x] disorder.

I finally think I made a decision re: therapy. I am firing my therapist and talking to a different therapist.

I thought 100 was the limit? Perhaps not...

100 pages not 100 posts!

My anxiety or feeling overwhelmed has been in overdrive today. Woke up to H in my house, standing in my room. I changed the locks on our doors, so I don't know if it was already unlocked or if my kids let him in, but it wasn't a pleasant awakening. I said he could come over to watch my son's online end of the year award ceremony but he came 2 hours ahead of time and no call beforehand.

I'm glad I talk to T1 tomorrow morning because I feel like I'm falling again. I hate feeling this way and I'm trying to stay afloat.

I can’t delete the new thread ... I apologize, carry on 🤦🏻*♀️

I’ve requested that the 216 post be deleted, I apologize ... it’s been a hot minute before I was here - hope all are doing well and again I’m sorry for my misstep

Not a big deal, Lola.

Looks like the admins are on it ... and now it’s gone! Nice!

Out of curiosity ... anyone use an online T? Is it video, phone, text, email or all? I’m looking around for a new one & I’m not sure what that looks like.... any feedback is welcomed

You got this ... stay strong, one more day

Drove to the shore to take a long walk in the sun

SheHulk, that is really scary. It seems like he is invading your space more and more. Have you considered a restraining order?

I'm anxious again today. I'm trying to get ahead of it by taking the xanax earlier, and not waiting until the anxiety gets so bad.

I have used an online T before on several occasions. In my experience, it wasn't good for me. That is because I felt like it was really impersonal and the therapist wasn't getting to know me. The therapist on the online platform usually would just recommend some broad strategies and not personalize it to me, you know what I mean? And so I didn't end up liking it. I think it does work for some people though. I've done all of the online services (pretty much), but the ones I did were text, video, call, etc. What worried me about the online service is that they couldn't really contact my psychiatrist if they needed to, which is extremely worrying to me because I think it's necessary that my psychiatrist and therapist communicate.

****TW for mention of rape****




It’s sunny and getting warm here.. which usually means that trigger season for me. I was raped on a warm, sunny day by a playground. So when I hear kids playing, and birds chirping sometimes it triggers me. Usually, it will happen right at the end of spring start of summer and will slowly get better for me.

So, it’s hard for me when people are getting happier and excited about warm weather season and get out I want to do the exact opposite. Nobody understands that.

Going through a depressive episode for many reasons right now and this trigger is not helping. I just needed to get that out.

Hugs, Healed...

I've thought about it, and was discussing it with T1 today. I don't know all the ins and outside of what you can have it say but I feel like I'm getting to that point.

You should know up front that restraining orders are public records and any incidents you detail are as well. That was a bit of a mental hurdle I had to get over when filing mine because an incident of sexual assault was included on it. I doubt people are randomly reading these things, but I had to prepare myself mentally that these incidents were now accessible to the public if they chose to go looking for it. Ideally, the shame should be all his, but in the real world a lot of the time we bear the shame, not them.

I need to ask T for a discounted rate. It's therapy or rent for me and I'm already on discounted rent since I don't have a private room and I'm in the living room. I can't cut my food intake anymore, or I'll go hungry.

I've paid her full fee for a really long time. I emailed T and she replied that she couldn't do the discounted rate that's 20% of her full fee. She offered 80%.

I broke down crying and replied with the above, how I can't cut anything else anymore as its rent, food and my medications. I even switched to a cheaper and more basic telco. That 20% is literally a week of food for me and I'm already eating the cheapest food I can buy as no one in the flat cooks, including me, and there's no stove in the kitchen even.

She said to talk to her about it next session (next Wednesday) since email isn't conducive.

Hugs, QM, I'm sorry--I hope she'll reconsider. Maybe see if she'll allow it for a set amount of time, like a few months, then you can discuss it again?

Hugs QM, I hope she's able to work something out for you I agree with LT's thoughts.

Another nightmare last night, well this morning actually about 30 mins before my alarm went off. I'm glad it wasn't in the middle of the night because there was no WAY I was going back to sleep after this one. In the dream I'm living out in the country and and at some point I realize I'm dreaming but I can't wake up I can't move I'm screaming help me help me finally h was able to wake me up, he said i wasn't yelling words I was just screaming, and he had to shake me and shake me and yell my name a couple times and finally he broke through and I woke up. When I did finally wake up my heart was pounding and I was breathing so fast I thought I was going to hyperventilate. It was terrifying. I think I want to study the science of dreaming somehow - it is just fascinating how a scene playing out in our imagination while we're asleep, can feel so real and cause such physical symptoms. That was crazy.