[Omers]

I see T at 1 today. He sent a brief email confirming the appointment seeing as it is different because of the holiday.
Oh, dear lord... after refreshing all weekend wanting a reply now my brain is trying to convince me that he is angry with me. Angry enough to be violent and Inam suddenly not motivated to go. This is BS! If I showed up at his home, introduced myself to his wife while she was gardening and asked to have tea (which I would never do) I am sure T would be pretty upset and we would have a very stern conversation... but him angry to violence... dear lord, can I at least be realistic in my paranoia???
I’m tired of me, can I be quarantined with someone other than myself for a while?
Trying to honor the feelings and not call myself names for them but it is still OK to laugh, I know I’m being ridiculous.
I had to sign a new COVID19 safety form and no one other than the client is allowed in the building during session so pocket riders are out. Anyone want to morph into humming birds or dragonflies and hang out on the windowsill with me? It’s on the second floor so you would have to be OK with heights.

[Merope]

I'll be a hummingbird or dragonfly on the windowsill.

I also sometimes imagine my T angry enough with me to resort to violence. Our minds can go to strange places at times.

if boundaries didn't exist, I would love to introduce myself to my T's (now ex) wife while she was gardening and suggest we have tea (or something stronger).

[Omers]

I have mixed feelings about T’s wife... we will either love each other dearly, possibly to the detriment of poor T or we will clash with immense intensity. I don’t foresee a middle ground. She has been known to stop by his office between clients (although I doubt she would do so currently) and she does play a part in his business so it is very possible that I will appropriately meet her at some point in the future.
I also know the look T gives me when I sound like his wife! I called him out on it because I thought it was funny as all get out... he didn’t find it funny and abruptly changed the subject... I love him and all his quirks.
I have worked with a lot of T’s with a wide variety of interests and things... this T and his wife are freaky close to how I would be living if si were in a healthier space right now.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'll be a dragonfly outside the window. I hope session goes well and your fears are put to rest. I'd tell him about your fears of him being angry with you. I told my T a couple weeks ago that I was afraid I was a burden to him, and he reassured me that I wasn't. Which helped. Though then when he had to "take a break from his practice" and not look at his email for over a day, those thoughts returned. Not just that I myself am a burden, but that, together with his other clients, I'm too much. And I'm pretty certain he sees me more often than any other client (especially now with 3 times a week), so I feel I make up a greater percentage of the burden. T has been so caring lately, but there's this part of me that's just waiting for his a*?&ole side to come out again...

[Omers]

Thanks everyone. Things went really well. T was pretty unfiltered/confrontational (not three right word but best I can find) but it still felt incredible supportive.
I have lots to think about before next week.
We didn’t talk much about my feeling afraid he was angry with me other than to validate what I was already telling myself.
Talked about the cat I lost, H, a little about my son back in the good days... flowers, cars and self care.

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs, glad it went well and felt supportive, even if he was a bit confrontational.

[Merope]

I’m glad it went well!

[Omers]

He is right to be confrontational, he has held back a very long time to make sure we had a strong enough relationship that I would be able to hear him... and it is 100% out of care and concern.