Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I feel like if I switched to a male therapist things would be a lot better and I’d have this huge weight lifted off of me that I’ve been carrying for a long time. I know what the problem is. I know the issue is that I’m deeply attracted to you and that it is really affecting my ability to function. I know the reasons I get into these funks is because I can’t stand being away from you. I know it doesn’t have as much to do with the virus as much as it has to do with the pain of being away from you. I think about you nonstop and it’s becoming such a big issue that it’s taken over my life. I know I need to just tell you. But I honestly don’t know if I can.

But that is the honest to goodness reason that I’ve been acting like this and feeling like this for so many weeks.

Lol. I just got an email from you asking how I was doing. After you said not to email you. Wtf. Are you on this site????

I feel like our session went very well yesterday. You are caring and empathetic and I really do appreciate it because this is a tough time for me.

Having loads of trouble sleeping, can’t think of any reason why but I keep thinking about you. Maybe I miss you. What is it trying to tell me? I’ll try and ‘sit with it’ some more.

Don't think I want to turn up this week.

I'm just tired of myself.

I have all of these questions I want to ask you, but I don’t because I fear getting the therapist response. So I’ll refrain. Attachment is hard. I don’t even feel comfortable talking about it, even though I know it’s part of my work. I’m just afraid I’ll be rejected.

I had a nightmare last night where I found out that you don't recycle. So now I've been wanting to send a text demanding to know if you recycle all day.

I keep telling myself not to be inappropriate, but sometimes it's hard.

How the hell is it that you're younger than me and have your life together better than I do? Karen is being super loud and judge-y about this.

I really ducking miss you and I can't even use swear words on here, which makes it all the more sadder.

So would you be impressed if I showered or what?? How dare you not respond to me!

.....................

I'm still angry about the teletherapy thing. You say I'm too stubborn. I am trying to compromise and to be reasonable. But I feel powerless - which is the opposite of what therapy is supposed to do, right? I cannot seem to let go of my anger about this.

I still don’t get exactly what was going through your head yesterday. Or why you thought the email was necessary.

Today I’ve been drinking so much water and using the bathroom every 15 minutes because I want to lose 3 pounds by work on Tuesday. But why do you sometimes care when I do stuff like this but other times you don’t? Why are you never consistent?

Dear T,
Well, you're not going to approve of this, but I told the volunteer group that I need to take a hiatus as their Communications Chair. I mentioned mental health issues as part of what's going on, which was maybe TMI, but it's a public health organization FFS. I feel guilty saying I'm overwhelmed and struggling, because so many people are right now, and it's not like we have no job or home or anything like that. But then, it is affecting me significantly, and it's affecting my ability to do a good or even mediocre job for this organization, so if there's someone else on the committee who's doing better and can step up, then that would be preferable. I just know you said I shouldn't cut out any sort of activity/connection right now. But I was lying awake stressing about it last night, so....

On the plus side, I did manage to drive for 15 minutes today. I imagine you'll be proud of me for that. I guess the most important thing is that I'm proud of myself, which sounds so cheesy....


Need to figure out whether to bring up the "you said your dog is needy but kept petting her" thing, and how I sort of related that to me. Or if that will be too weird, because I'm not a pet, which is basically a family member, but a paying client. But I keep thinking about it, so....
Love,
LT

I'm scared!!! I'm scared of every choice. I don't want to go back on that med. I had a close call, almost gave in. I don't want to do much. I know that there is a problem. But I just don't see a way out that doesn't require work and effort. I have striven for perfection for too long. And it's killing me. I have tools, but can't seem to use them consistently. Why????

Why does life have to be so hard??

Am I getting better or worse or just staying the same? I can't judge it. I don't even know for sure what I want.

i miss you.

me

Dear T: Thanks for the really good session on Saturday. I will try to talk to my Dad but I think so much time has gone by since I was a child he will probably think I'm out of my gourd to bring it up now. Wish I could hug you, even though we have never actually hugged. Kit

Dear T,

I can't decide if I should bring up the email I sent during session tomorrow. I kind of hope that you'll bring it up, I guess. I want it to have meant something to you, like you saying that you're proud of me meant something to me.

-c

I think I was taking my anger out on you because I was nervous about returning to work. But I still think you were being weird about the emails.

Dear T,
You seemed really empathetic today. I needed that. And you said you were proud of me about two separate things, which means a lot. Especially considering that one of them basically went against advice you gave me. That you were praising me for thinking for myself. I don’t tend to have paternal stuff for you, but I feel that’s how a parent should be. Not like my mom expecting me to be just like her or inevitably fail at friendships, other relationships, and life in general. Have i faltered at times? Sure. But I’m being a much more genuine version of myself now, warts and all.
Love you,
LT

Part of me just will not get the message that I am not seeing you tomorrow. It doesn't understand and It keeps forgetting and then I have to tell it again. It sucks.

ExT i am super stressed at the moment. I miss you telling me i am doing the right thing by organising support appointments for my daughter and that things will be ok.. i am just not getting the same vibe from the new guy. It appears he is trying too hard.

Nice job on the new video! It's much more my experience of you than the other one was, this one's warm and welcoming. I will not admit to how may times I have watched it already.