Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Dear T:

I really just want to make music for a living. I don't want to do anything else. I don't want to translate. I don't want to write, particularly much. I don't want to do anything analytical. I want to be a creative. Is there any space for me to do this reasonably? I am tired of the intellectual life. It hasn't gotten me anywhere.

I don’t know what to expect from you today.

I'm not going to the stupid recycling center tomorrow!

I hope we can suspend CBT today and go into some deeper subjects. I have to be courageous and speak out about what I want to do.

91*40 = £3640 in 2017
42*40 = £1680 to 28th june 2018
13*40 = £520 4th september 2018
12*40 = £ 480 4th december 2018
13*40 =£520 19th march 2019
28*40 = £1120 rest of the year
28*£40 = £1,120 this year on therapy just from Jan. 2020 to today.
+£20 from when I wanted to see you earlier.
Total amount: £9100

Fair enough to say that I tried?

If I told you what I was feeling it would **** things up so badly and I just can’t have that right now because things are already so messed up.

Dear T,

Thank you for telling me that I'm "an amazing writer." That means a lot coming from you.

I think, though, that you're shying away from something, from how you got all choked up at the end of last session. I can't tell if you're embarrassed or trying to make me bring it up or what.

-c

i’m meeting with a new therapist tomorrow. i feel like i’m cheating on you, but you had to see it coming. please don’t hate me.

me

Hugs, dear Lemoncake.

Ugh T why?

Yay, you are the best! I missed you too.

You're The Worst!

Deart T:

Wow. Just realized what life without you was like. And it was not pretty. I need your support. My life unraveled in the past few days even of not seeing you for over a week. Let's start meeting again.

When I have to use the feeling words everything goes south.
Poetry allows me to express more...thank you for understanding.

Dear T,

I hate that we can't talk about the email I sent you until Friday. I feel like you were avoiding the topic of why you got so emotional, and I'm sort of dying to know (not that I am at al sure that you'll actually tell me).

-c

Ohhh boyyyyy

I introduced the new rule of not being called until I call my family. It's been broken three days in a row + today has already been 4 calls.

I want to see you in person! How much longer is it going to be? It's already been three months. I haven't been so physically distanced from you in more than two years. If somebody told me in January that I would not see you in person for over three months, I'd have started tearing my hair out. The pandemic came fast and unexpectedly and I got used to zoom quicker than I thought I would....mostly because I didn't think it would last for more than a month. Now it's starting to dawn on me that this could go on for much longer than I thought and I f****** hate it! I wish I could tell you this, but I feel like I'm being ungrateful and selfish.

I absolutely agree with you, Merope.

This is madness...creeping madness.

I've been doing worse than ever since the pandemic happened. I know I'm not the only one, but I wish I had some kind of foothold.

Is your sister a lesbian as well?! She looks like it. Why can't I join your lesbian club? I am so fed up with you having a private life full of sisters and lesbians. I am angry about all this exclusion. I can't join your lesbian club, you won't adopt me, I am not allowed to live at your house - even when there aren't Covid restrictions in place! Access denied at every turn. I hope your dog pukes all over that stupid dotted carpet of yours. And that you don't realise until you have trodden in it ... without wearing your slippers!

I feel like I’d be able to deal with everything else better if my support system (t) hadn’t been affected (if I had physical access to him). Of course, this isn’t coming from a logical point...I understand why things are this way. But it’s hard nonetheless. Seeing him in person charges my batteries.

I’m sorry you’re not doing so well. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that things can return to some sort of normality soon.

I'm also doing worse...and my T said the soonest he'd think about in-person sessions would be August. I think I've adapted pretty well to Zoom, but it's not at all the same.

dear s,

thank you for today. i have hope again.

me

t,

i don’t want to leave you, but s is everything i wish you were. maybe we can have a proper termination session at some point?

me

I have been open with T about my struggles with teletherapy.
We talked about how some of the connection is lost, the energy of being in the same room as each other is lost as well as missing body language. I can only see from her shoulders up and she us very expressive with her body language. Also at times I not feel safe to talk. When I am in her office, I feel like the rest of the world is voiced out and I feel safe. Being at home and hearing my husband and children in other rooms is a huge distraction so some topics have been totally avoided for fear somebody will hear me. I told her that I am VERY thankful that this is an option at this time but I really dislike it