Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Now I want to do something unhealthy because of our session.... I have no idea how I am expecting you to help me if I can’t help myself.

I don’t think it’s good though if therapy does this to me every time though.

Hey L. I'm going to call you tomorrow and tell you that it's also the relationship I'm afraid of but that I would like to go ahead and schedule 3 more video sessions. And in the next one maybe we can talk a little about why I'm afraid of the relationship and about why I can't seem to let you go all at the the same time. Aside from the obvious that I am a crazy weirdo. Heh.

I'm secretly glad I might not have to do the exam on the 17th. Final exam to get through but I'm struggling with studying and I just feel so exhausted.

From our last two sessions I really can't remember much of them. A sign that therapy is too overwhelming or maybe it's just me and where I am right now?

I'm getting silly butterflies in my tummy thinking about calling you today.
What's my ish anyway? It's just you haha

ps i saw your new video this morning. it's warm and welcoming. good job!

Before the pandemic, a week break would not have been an issue.
Now I feel a little different about it....and I would have thought you'd know me well enough not to spring that on me at the end of a really vulnerable session.

...Thanks for that. I'll get through, but because I have to. Not because I think I'm capable of it.

How dare you.

Hope it's OK to respond. But, ugh, that's the worst, when they spring a break on you at the end of a session. Hugs...

Whew, that wasn't so hard after all. I'm glad you answered and I was able to tell you that it is partly fear of this relationship and what I'm afraid of. Glad we were able to schedule for next week and the following week.

Dear T,
Ack, that dog was so cute! And you petting her was just adorable. Showed me a more nurturing side of you. Though I'm glad you weren't giving her little kisses or being like, "Who's a good doggie? You're a good doggie!" in a baby voice, because I'm not sure I could have dealt with that. So weird that I just had that dream of you petting a guinea pig the whole session--that didn't occur to me till after I'd signed off. And I totally almost took a photo of you by mistake because the location of "leave meeting" in Zoom is the same as the "take photo" location in Facetime (did that to my parents the last time). Wish we hadn't had all the technical difficulties, as they ate up probably 7 or more minutes of session time, but it was OK. I mean, seeing the dog was sorta worth it. Plus you let me go a bit longer. Hope next session isn't plagued with similar Internet/cellular issues.

And did you wipe away a tear near the end? Hadn't seen you do that in a bit. You seemed affected by my shame about not progressing more (or any at all really) on the whole "getting out of the house" plan. Will do my best to actually do that whole driving a little thing in the next day or two. It's tempting to drop that goal for now, which you said could be an option so that I don't feel the pressure or shame, but I think the potential benefits outweigh the fear/stress. I wonder if it would help to be on the phone with you one of the times that I do that? Like as part of a session?

Love you,
LT

You are the reason I feel like this. Everything is because of you. I somehow got clingy and needy and then it snowballed and I don’t know what to do at this point. The sessions tear me apart. I get into a funk after them and have SI all night. I just don’t know how much more I can take. Or how to approach you about this. But it’s been ****ing hard. You have no idea just how badly these sessions have been hurting me. Like you think you know, but it’s actually much worse then I’m letting on.

Oh L I am laughing right now. It's tickling my funny bone so. One of the choices we have for our first discussion post in current class it to discuss Attachment Theory. Oh boy. Yeah, you know I'm choosing this one!! Me=Poster Child of Attachment (to you) and all.

How dare you not check in on me!

Also how dare you threaten me with retirement!

You didn't know what to say, or how to help, and I don't know either!!! I know I need to stay in the present, but my present isn't where I want to be. I know where I want my life, but I feel overwhelmed and no one seems to know where to start?! Least of all me!! After we spoke, I took a shower, and ate. And it didn't make much difference. I'm frustrated that I can't seem to handle the overwhelming feeling. Why is it so hard?????

I'm frustrated and lost, and there are no answers. Maybe I.... No I want... I don't know what I want!!

Absolutely OK. In normal time, like I say, it wouldn't be an issue...but now...my support system has already shrunk.

You're probably off yachting or something and you don't care about me at all!

Yep, and I imagine you're in a place like I am, where some of my usual coping skills aren't really an option. Or, I guess, in my location, some are becoming an option this week or next, but I wouldn't really feel safe going there (like, say, an in-person yoga class or having a beer in a taproom).

I miss you. I miss our hugs. You know that.

Also this cat is a ****ing perfect cat and you really missed your chance but it's too late now!

I can't believe nobody has contacted me today. My feelings are starting to get hurt.

Dear T,

Aw. Thanks for saying you're proud of me. That means so much to me. I don't quite know how to articulate how nice that makes me feel, and unless I figure it out I don't really want to tell you... but maybe I should try? Maybe I shouldn't let the perfect be the enemy of the good? I dunno, maybe I'll email you the day it happens (maybe when I'm a little tipsy hahahah). Or maybe I should wait to do it "in person" (over Zoom)?

I dunno. Either way, it was really nice of you to say that, and to get all choked up about it.

-c

ExT for some reason today i miss sitting in your recliner it must be the rain.

Well I guess now I can't be upset since you texted me to see how that dumb appointment went. So thanks.

Dear T,
OK, this is going to sound silly. But I think of you today saying how your dog is really needy. Yet, you didn't make her leave the room or tell her to get down off your lap. You just kept petting her. Is it like that with me? You see and can acknowledge I'm needy, but it's OK. You're not throwing me out of the room. You're not kicking me off your (metaphorical) lap. You're just going to keep (metaphorically) petting me, letting me be there with you. (Do I dare to actually tell you this? I...would leave out the words "petting" and "lap.")

Love,
LT

My guilt complex has completely taken over today. Added to the guilt I already told you about I am now feeling guilt about asking you to talk with me about the stuff I emailed you. You shouldn't have to deal with that. Then again you're the one that reached out to me this time. I would not have called if you hadn't. Not to say I'm blaming you. You're obviously somehow still sensitive to me enough that you knew I was wanting you, you can't help that, any more than I can help wanting you! And it's your nature to want to be there for your clients/trying-to-be-former-clients. I just feel bad and guilty and overly-needy of you. What are you going to say about all of this next week?