Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

LonesomeTonight · Sep 04, 2020 at 12:59 PM

Dear T,
Of course I feel really awkward now, even though you said you're OK with all that we talked about. I just wish I hadn't said all that stuff at the end, expressed all those concerns. That I'd saved those for the beginning of next session. But maybe we can pick up there Sunday?

Love,
LT

Lemoncake · 02:16 PM

End of week 2: I was so tired after class I felt like crying.

On a phone call to my mother she told me to stop being grumpy and just do it. In my head I just took that as no longer telling her how I feel. I've know this for a while but she can't give me what I want.

Not sure what's up with me. Is it the gym schedule? Hormones?

Back to studying now.

Victoria'smom · Sep 04, 2020 at 03:04 PM

ED trigger warning
I'm waning between wanting help and not wanting help until it's almost to late. I'm skipping meds. I'm scared to go to the Dr.'s she's very fit. I am not.

LonesomeTonight · Sep 04, 2020 at 07:36 PM

Dear T,
Shame, so much shame right now.

Possible trigger:

Thoughts going to SH, but I can't share that with you, because it's a Friday night and would seem manipulative. I will push the thoughts away. Or use ice or something

Love,

LT

velcro003 · Sep 04, 2020 at 11:25 PM

Hey T: It's going to be a long weekend, but thanks for calling right before you went away. You have gone above and beyond your job in this past week.

LonesomeTonight · Sep 05, 2020 at 06:54 AM

Dear T,
You know that telling me not to stress over it isn't going to help, right? Sigh. I did get through the stuff last night OK. Guess I'll need to talk about those thoughts tomorrow.
Love,
LT

LostOnTheTrail · Sep 05, 2020 at 07:23 AM

Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Thank you for always understanding the words behind my words.
And just lately, the words behind my tears.

I appreciate you, and I am grateful for you.

ArtieTheSequal · Sep 05, 2020 at 09:02 AM

L, my friend Lost above said it so well about "understanding the words behind my words." that's the way you understood my poem. you heard what i was trying to say underneath what i did say. thank you for that.

ArtieTheSequal · Sep 05, 2020 at 11:48 AM

....oh and L, I just wrote another one.... resulting out of the Active Imag I did a couple days ago. This is some really good ****, you know. Whatever that was that happened between us on Wednesday, it so sucked at the time, but it also served to shake something loose in me that needed shaking loose. I agree with you. I want to finish this too.

Glittering · Sep 05, 2020 at 12:10 PM

I’m still alive, in case you were wondering. I’m so sorry about the chaotic 4am email. I think adult me might die of shame from how much the little parts let out. They’re screaming so loud. The text didn’t help on Thursday, I’m not sure it’s going to help on the break, I don’t think they feel it. I have a hunch the teen part will wreck our last sessions before you go, she’s been way too in control, all the impulsive behaviours and I can’t seem to unblend for long enough to get a hold on it. I’m amazed I’m still here. I just wish we could be in a room together so badly, it’s been so long now and I’m losing hope. Love you and hate you, miss you and never want to see you again, cant do this anymore and can’t not do it anymore. Hope I manage to call on Tues, I think. I’m so completely lost.

nottrustin · Sep 05, 2020 at 05:27 PM

UGH. I really need either of you right now. Tomorrow makes 20 years since my mom died. The one person who was always safe, loving and just there. This year is exceptionally hard. T1 I walked past your home (office) this morning because I usually brings me comfort knowing the impact you had in my life. Today it did not. T2, this evening hubby and ai decided to go out to dinner and walk around the neighborhood where your office is hoping there would be some comfort and connected feeling to you. It failed too. I stupidly have friends coming over for a bbq tomorrow when really what I want to do is sleep all day and forget that horrible day 20 years ago.

Lonelyinmyheart · Sep 06, 2020 at 05:13 AM

It's so hard knowing you're so ill

It gives me strength knowing that I care about your health more than I do my need to see you.

Lostislost · Sep 06, 2020 at 08:30 AM

I love your photos. It makes me so much calmer when I can picture where you are.

I just took my dog for another walk. At this time on a Sunday lots of dinners are being made, I like the smell coming from some houses. I like to imagine what the families are like, and who I would have been if I lived there. It made me cry on the walk, and it started to rain the same time...then I didn't feel so alone.

Mountaindewed · Sep 06, 2020 at 11:32 AM

I haven’t emailed you since Wednesday. I haven’t even really been thinking of you. To be honest my new coping skill is so soothing I honestly have been coping just fine on my own.

LonesomeTonight · Sep 06, 2020 at 11:38 AM

Dear T,
Thanks for a good session today. I particularly appreciated the unsolicited extra reassurance at the end.

Love,
LT

ArtieTheSequal · Sep 06, 2020 at 11:39 AM

.... even if it does mean, well, you know.

Anyway. Looking forward to talking more about this stuff on Wednesday. I've even remembered a couple of dreams again, how 'bout that.

ArtieTheSequal · Sep 06, 2020 at 04:50 PM

Also I will try really hard to not turn off my video this week.... it's just hard dang it. I felt so stupid.

Lemoncake · Sep 07, 2020 at 09:10 AM

I guess I keep expecting you to email me now that your officially back again.

Surprisingly after 39 days without therapy I feel like i'm doing okay. I've also decided to drop one day of gym and want to see if that helps with the tiredness.

Stupid creepy guy's teacher isn't here for the week so they've joined our group without really asking first. He tried to talk to me but I ignored him and gave short answers.

Mountaindewed · Sep 07, 2020 at 11:48 AM

Are you going to be super worried about me when I’m in massive surgery in a few weeks? Why do I have a feeling you will be and I’ll be all you will be thinking about that day? I know you do care.

ArtieTheSequal · Sep 07, 2020 at 01:59 PM

.....

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

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LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,899 (SuperPoster!) 9 75.1k hugs given	Sep 04, 2020 at 12:59 PM #761 Dear T, Of course I feel really awkward now, even though you said you're OK with all that we talked about. I just wish I hadn't said all that stuff at the end, expressed all those concerns. That I'd saved those for the beginning of next session. But maybe we can pick up there Sunday? Love, LT

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,899 (SuperPoster!) 9 75.1k hugs given	Sep 04, 2020 at 07:36 PM #764 Dear T, Shame, so much shame right now. Possible trigger: Thoughts going to SH, but I can't share that with you, because it's a Friday night and would seem manipulative. I will push the thoughts away. Or use ice or something Love, LT

velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	Sep 04, 2020 at 11:25 PM #765 Hey T: It's going to be a long weekend, but thanks for calling right before you went away. You have gone above and beyond your job in this past week.

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,899 (SuperPoster!) 9 75.1k hugs given	Sep 05, 2020 at 06:54 AM #766 Dear T, You know that telling me not to stress over it isn't going to help, right? Sigh. I did get through the stuff last night OK. Guess I'll need to talk about those thoughts tomorrow. Love, LT

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,341 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,821 hugs given	Sep 05, 2020 at 09:02 AM #768 L, my friend Lost above said it so well about "understanding the words behind my words." that's the way you understood my poem. you heard what i was trying to say underneath what i did say. thank you for that.

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,341 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,821 hugs given	Sep 05, 2020 at 11:48 AM #769 ....oh and L, I just wrote another one.... resulting out of the Active Imag I did a couple days ago. This is some really good ****, you know. Whatever that was that happened between us on Wednesday, it so sucked at the time, but it also served to shake something loose in me that needed shaking loose. I agree with you. I want to finish this too.

Lonelyinmyheart Poohbah Member Since Jun 2019 Location: Earth Posts: 1,093 4 1,732 hugs given	Sep 06, 2020 at 05:13 AM #772 It's so hard knowing you're so ill It gives me strength knowing that I care about your health more than I do my need to see you.

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,704 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,973 hugs given	Sep 06, 2020 at 11:32 AM #774 I haven’t emailed you since Wednesday. I haven’t even really been thinking of you. To be honest my new coping skill is so soothing I honestly have been coping just fine on my own. __________________ Ridin' with Biden

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,899 (SuperPoster!) 9 75.1k hugs given	Sep 06, 2020 at 11:38 AM #775 Dear T, Thanks for a good session today. I particularly appreciated the unsolicited extra reassurance at the end. Love, LT

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,341 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,821 hugs given	Sep 06, 2020 at 11:39 AM #776 .... even if it does mean, well, you know. Anyway. Looking forward to talking more about this stuff on Wednesday. I've even remembered a couple of dreams again, how 'bout that.

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,341 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,821 hugs given	Sep 06, 2020 at 04:50 PM #777 Also I will try really hard to not turn off my video this week.... it's just hard dang it. I felt so stupid.

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,704 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,973 hugs given	Sep 07, 2020 at 11:48 AM #779 Are you going to be super worried about me when I’m in massive surgery in a few weeks? Why do I have a feeling you will be and I’ll be all you will be thinking about that day? I know you do care. __________________ Ridin' with Biden

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,341 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,821 hugs given	Sep 07, 2020 at 01:59 PM #780 .....