Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Thinking this morning. You answered those two questions awfully fast. Like knee-jerk fast. Hmm.

I feel really needy and clingy at the moment and I hate it.

I haven’t emailed you about the medical crisis yesterday or the weekend anxiety fiasco. I want to show you that I can have issues and not email you when they happen. Plus I did just see you on Thursday and I’m seeing you again on Tuesday. Seems kinda silly to email you.

Dear T,
I think maybe you've broken through in some way. I don't know, it feels like something is happening, that you've tapped into some core part, some core need of mine. Like, childhood stuff maybe? I know this isn't generally your area of expertise, though you seem to have been branching out quite a bit lately. But I hope we can have some productive conversations about it next week. Maybe between now and then I should try to type/write up what I'm feeling. This feels like center of the onion stuff.
Love,
LT

Meeting up with one of my old best friends from 3 years ago. We're going to my fave burger bar.

2.50 hours studied yesterday. 70 topics left to go through for the first time. It's long and it's slow and I'm trying hard not to compare myself with others and all that.

Are you still there?

I think it's time to start talking about if this is doing more harm than good.

Something feels off right now when I look back on Friday. Your too-quick answers to those questions, the whole feeling that you're untouchable behind an invisible glass wall (you reminded me of that, though, that sand tray I did where I brought in the piece of glass) and how you redirected me away from telling you that memory, and just, in general I guess. I'm wondering if you just really don't know what to do with me anymore after so much time and I'm not "fixed" yet. Your saying that I'd had a breakthrough even felt like it was an afterthought or that you had to work really hard to find it or something. I guess we should talk about this on Wednesday.

although i think you were right about that one dream that it was a defense mechanism. that makes total sense.

and, i miss you right now.

she sings like an angel and i relate to this song deep within my being. maybe i'll play it for you.

60 topics now left to get through for the first time and to make anki cards from. Total hours done for today is exactly 3 which has been is my usual amount with classes on top. Can't push myself to work hard just yet. Total hours for this month so far = 81.16.

Meeting up with R was also good. After lunch we walked to the shopping center looked at washing machines, clothing and make up. It felt exactly the same, but I still got tired out by the end.

3 hours done this morning.

With possible new T. Half of me is in and the other half is already out. The idea of even a intro talk is freaking me out and making me nervous. I told him that I was looking for drop in sessions only and would get back to him again before my first exam in November if I felt like I needed extra support.

To be honest I'd rather spend my money on Lego then even more therapy.

Please don't read more into it than is there, it just touches me deeply and hits all the stupid feels... it's a damn good song.

I wish we were meeting today instead of wednesday. also you're wrong btw. i am too dependent on you.

eta: ... then again maybe I'm not, since I ended up not needing you to witness what I'd wanted to tell you last week. yeah I'm pretty much of the opinion now that you don't really know what to do with me anymore and that's why you answered those 2 questions so fast. You probably figured your real thoughts would hurt my feelings. They probably would have. Silly sensitive me.

Just tell me the damn truth anyway. Okay?

And by the way yes, I did take it as a criticism when you said that thing about me 'dragging this out' earlier in the month. How could I take it as anything but?! And how come we couldn't talk about that?!

Dear T,
This is so dumb, but I'm thinking about your "Bye now" at the end of session and worry that you think I was extending our parting words too much, so it was like, "OK, time to go away now, LT." But you were smiling when you said it, so I'm sure it's nothing. I wish I could just shut off that part of my brain that worried about those things...
Love,
LT

Dear T,
So Covid fear is making me feel less worried about offending people. Having a beer outside at restaurant, patron asked about smoking, I asked to move to table further away, as it sounds like they’re unsure if secondhand smoke can increase spread. So I spoke up and waiter was really nice about it and moved me. Progress, right?
Love,
LT

getting to this point 0-60 now huh L. yeesh.

so I chickened out on directly asking you... I think you know I'm headed that direction. This is very hard.

I’m going to miss you, A, but it doesn’t hurt. I think it’s okay to be sad about our relationship ending, because it’s at an end. Endings are so final and sad. I’m not being very eloquent about this. I wonder how I’ll feel when I see you tomorrow.

T, i want you to say kind and loving stuff more often, not ask me to remember past words. I need top ups.

did you really mean it when you said you care about me?!? or is that just something that t's throw out there all the time, in an almost meaningless & generic sense???
[not implying i'm special (or something) at all]

another poster here got me thinking about the different unmet needs i have that i get met from being in this therapy relationship with you. this song i've been listening to a lot lately really pinpoints just the overallness of it... you know... i use you for too much, it's true, i'm too dependent on you, too needy of you, just too... too much. but i'm a grownup and should be able to meet those needs within myself. please don't just try to normalize this. i don't care if it's quote a normal thing to happen. i want it to stop. i don't want to need you like this.

...and i also am not at all comfortable with how fast you said 'no' when I asked if you thought i was too dependent on you. like you were lying or just trying to say what you thought i wanted to hear or like you just said it because it was what you were "supposed" to say or something.

I hope you are not in a bad mood today. I’m in a pretty good mood so if you start the session off immediately being crabby I’m gonna be a bit confused. Last week you didn’t really seem to want to be there which I can understand since it was in person.