Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

You are a hoot. Seriously. You are wired to the moon. I am both horrified and entertained by your strangeness. We hadn't made any meeting arrangements, in fact, you ignored my messages. You had no idea about where we would meet and yet you wandered about on the beach assuming that a meeting would just happen ... by cosmic intervention?! I have no idea. I mean, have you ever met me? I would triple confirm details and want a new contract! I would write the contract, obvs. You are loo-loo. I feel positively sane in comparison. Sane and sad and ignored. Unloved. So yeah, £uck you.

Tomorrow is the first time we’ll be seeing each other in 192 days. How do you feel? I feel ok because I’m very preoccupied with the other big thing which is the surgery. I’ve quadrupled up on my Xanax today and I am still anxious as ****. Maybe I am legit having a heart attack.

I don't know why I felt down when I saw you today. I felt like I needed something, but I wasn't really sure what it was let alone how to get it. Made me feel like doing something bad, I think as a ****ed up way to communicate (I'm not sure what I wanted to communicate, though). I'm glad I didn't give in to that impulse, although I'm simultaneously left wondering if I would be feeling like I am if I had acted out.

What exactly is it that I wanted? I feel like I wanted attention, but that doesn't make sense because you were sitting there paying attention to me already.

I hate when I waste my session like this.

Dear T,
I'm in such a bad place right now. I don't know what happened. It's nothing from you/today's session Maybe I need to not try to go out like it's normal, because it's not at all normal. Maybe it just rubbed that in more? I don't know. Maybe it's something else. But I'm so incredibly sad. Part of me wants to ask if you have something tomorrow, but then that would mean a longer break before Monday, and I'm not sure how good that would be.
Love,
LT

Dear T,
I feel awkward asking about an earlier session and not hearing back, as that's a scheduling thing vs. content email. Do I just email to say "never mind"? But I still feel this way. But I should probably just stick with Friday...right?
Love,
LT

Dear T,
Actually, you probably just didn't look at your email last night after I sent it. I know texting is the way to go for scheduling, but I felt like I'd be bothering you more that way. And in knowing you might not reply till this morning, I was sort of giving myself more time to decide.
Love,
LT

85 topics left to get through for the first time.

Dear T,
That helped, thanks. I was a bit annoyed that you were late and figured with your tight schedule you wouldn't be able to make up the time, but I'm glad you were able to give me the full half hour. I probably will just go with the full session tomorrow, as our agenda will probably necessitate that. But I do appreciate your saying I could just let you know at the time of session.

And I appreciate that you were willing to offer the 6:30 this evening session before and that it wouldn't have needed quite the level of "maybe I need to be hospitalized" to take it. And that you also appreciated that I read between the lines and *didn't* take it. And your also saying that you wouldn't have wanted me to have felt guilty if I took it. Your reference to the tightrope walk in our relationship seems fitting--the tightrope walk for both of us.
Love,
LT

Thank you for helping me understand your stance today. I find it very helpful to know that you also struggle with certain aspects.

I feel effed in the head and my depression is so bad at the moment. I haven't been sleeping well either.

I joined that dating website yesterday and the person already wants to meet up over the weekend which is way too soon for me. I'm not really feeling it either but I felt lonely in the moment and I liked the attention. My love for you just feels like a fake plastic tree.

Maybe it's not a good idea to draw out sessions.

I also sent the other T F a reply back to his previous email from two weeks ago.

T: You are so sweet to send me that song. I heart you.

Your hard work today is deeply appreciated. I was happy to see you looking more refreshed after sleeping in, too.

8 months dear T, 8 months. That's 2/3rds of a year. 8 months.

Former T, I texted you today. Don't make it two months, or four months before you send me a text back. It's not therapy. It's just "hey how are you? Here's how I am. Miss you." Just a quick like, "Hey, I'm glad you're doing good. I'm proud of you. Keep it up," would be enough. I just want to hear from you. It doesn't need to be profound.

Regular T. Did you buy a car yet?

(former) Pastor T: thanks for saying that I am doing good work and to keep it up. You're special!

Dear R,

“There's a reason why people don't want to spend time with you”.

I'm not even sure if you're aware of it, but do you mean to be so hurtful with comments such as the above?

I don't like the current space we've co-created. I am aware of my own part in all of this, but at this moment I really don't know how to fix this.

I love you. At times I feel like I am in love with you and in all honesty that's the only reason I have still been attending, I want to believe that it can work, but It's the fallout from sessions like today that I find hard to contain.

I'm not sure if I have enough of a reason to continue anymore and I would like to pause for now.

S


Dear possible new T F,

From the 4 emails we've exchanged so far you come across well.But I still feel scared. I did double book myself for this tuesday but maybe I should book the intro session for the week after- this thursday seems too close.

Maybe I should keep you for only crisis moments and choose to invest my money instead?

Dear Lemon's t: Why would you say something so hurtful to her?! You owe her an apology.


Lemon's friend Art

Hey L. Thanks for today. And even though my voice cracked when I said that I'd be the witness little Art wants after you steered me away from telling you that thing, I'm glad you did. On the way home I realized that it is rather empowering to feel Adult Artie stepping up and being the witness that little Artie wanted. It feels empowering, and adds another layer of compassion for little Artie as well. Little Artie felt hurt I suppose for a minute there but she's okay now and she still loves you. And she feels more held I think because I'm with her all the time whereas we only talk to you once a week.


Thanks also for saying that you don't think I'm too dependent on you. That what I described to you is common and that I am not alone in feeling this way.

I'll bring the workbook next week.

You were getting really visibly frustrated with your mask and pulling at it, and I dunno. I just found it kind of weird that you were whining like that. I didn’t touch mine at all. I sometimes feel like you act that way around me and say certain stuff to me because you know I won’t say anything and it won’t seem like I’m judging you.

I can see now why you’ve told me that having information about you can make it harder at times to reach out.

I’m having an awful week. Eldest is sick- I’m sure it’s just a cold, but with new protocols she’s home for the near future. We are in the midst of necessary renos which is costly and of course full of drama. Having a few health things but don’t want to deal with my GP right now, especially considering that not much will help. Just found out in a horrible way that one of my D’s teachers is leaving in January to cover someone’s retirement, so that just feels unstable. My H tells me his work has no work for November and to expect layoffs- not him, he’s likely to be one of the last and there is other work, but still, it’s scary to me. I hate my job but childcare and Covid are keeping me there part time for the near future. Money is tight and I’m just so stressed and have literally no one to talk to. I’m feeling so hopeless- this pandemic is wearing me out to the point where small things I could cope with fairly easily are making me have dark, hopeless thoughts.

And yet- I can’t email you. I know you are off this week because it’s the anniversary of your H’s death, and so I would be selfish to whine to you when you just need time and space. And truthfully, emailing probably wouldn’t help much. I wish I didn’t “need” you....

Just getting sucked into the black hole. What else is new?

Dear T,
Yeah, you were right, my parents weren't annoyed with me, my dad is just a bad communicator. My mom was a bit appalled at how he'd responded.


And I did submit an appointment request to get checked out about my heart, but of course it was Friday afternoon, so I doubt I'd hear back till Monday. But, I'm trying.

Thanks for a helpful session today. Though I'm still thinking about your body language when you were talking about the one thing. Especially because you had similar body language when we talked about it initially. I'm sort of wondering about it, but won't say anything.

And I'm glad you noticed I was wearing a new shirt. I'm not sure you've commented on my clothing since we went to Zoom (I guess you have a lot less to comment on!), and I sort of missed that because it made me feel "seen" and like you're paying attention.

Love you,
LT

I keep stepping backwards out of fear. But what if I do things that make me happy.... Then I feel like I will be turned back to sadness. I told you about my lifebook but it has sat since I made it, leaving me with regret because I'm avoiding making changes. Change seems hard. Iam motivated for a little bit then something changes. Yes change is constant. But it also brings up past hurts. Can I let go of the hurt? I never told my family that I was hurting, instead I was put in an education program for those who had struggles. All I wanted was to be normal. Maybe I was made to stand out and create change. Can I overcome the fear?? How do I overcome the fear? I need to look at my lifebook, and decide on my action plan to get what I want. I want a life worth living, to not live in fear, to not let anxiety be in control.

Thank you Artie bean.



I was talking about creepy guy and the group picking thing from August. I acted like I didn't care at the time but I am surprised by how it actually upset me. From R it was also the insinuation that I wasn't trying hard enough. Blah.