Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Am I too dependent on you?? We sooo need to talk about that.

Beginning to feel like I'm not supposed to have a life that isn't somehow built on pain.
Without the ability to do my job in person, it all feels pretty damn meaningless.

Sorry if that email was kinda odd. I’m a bit high on Xanax and melatonin gummies right now. At least your aware I took them since I told you in the email. So maybe you can put 2 and 2 together and figure out why I’m so loopy.

Good god T, I just want to say that I love you

Hey T: I hope we talk/connect before I go inpatient on Tuesday. God, it feels so far away.

Also: I hope you never have to get a Covid test...it was extremely unpleasant.

71/168 topics done for the first time with anki cards made.

Currently at the in love with you phase.

I'm hurting today. Don't know why. Just feel really down.

We were close to seeing each other and now the UK is seeing a second wave, new restrictions etc. Feels like we’re going back in time with accumulated anxiety. I don’t want to go to work, I want to hide in bed until our next session. I genuinely think I’m starting to hate my life. I miss you too much, this isn’t normal. I haven’t even seen my family in almost a year (and I don’t zoom them every week either), yet it’s you I crave for.

What a paradox of a day. My body and mind recognise this as an anniversary, although it's just as likely that nothing actually happened. The George Harrison song that might help still brings me to the verge of a panic attack, about 13 years after.


It's also my nephew's birthday, so I am trying to hold on to that.

Dear T,
I sort of mentioned this last week, but didn't officially say anything. But happy 3-year thera-versary (thought if we need to remove the week that I left, I suppose it would be in a week).
Love,
LT

Dear T,
Also, this might seem silly, but I liked how you said, "Hey there," to me today while smiling in that tone at the start of session, partly because it felt more like how things were before Covid, how you'd greet me when you retrieved me from the waiting room. But also because I've worried that I screwed things up with admitting certain things a couple weeks ago, and that greeting, plus your pretending to fall out of your seat at something positive I said I did made it feel like things are still normal between us (whatever "normal" is for us...).
Love,
LT

The first session after you returned from being out sick for a month, you looked so refreshed and seemed so on pointe. Since then, you look more tired and seem less invested, sort-of. I am wondering why you cut our session by almost 10 minutes today.

sigh, nope... not going to bring it up ... the ball is in your court and that's where it will sit.

friday feels a long time away. wish i hadn't had to change from wednesday, but it couldn't be helped with h's dr appt/test. they had limited ones available and we didn't want to put this one off. Well it'll be shorter til the next one at least.

You must have thought it over, too- ending the session early. Thank you for calling me. I think your idea is a wise, well thought out idea.

You are so sweet and called me twice today to make sure I am okay and ready to go inpatient tomorrow. I think...I might love you a little bit. Shite!

Dear T,
Idk if I'll see you again.
There is a part of me that, well, hasn't trusted you for a while and it's just grown.
You helped me a little but I probably should split ways. Which really sucks, because it took, what four others before you last year .... I'm tired, I'm older and I just am not sure at times... all of you have your opinions and ways, some to which are contradictory. I dislike that anyone that spends time with me... just a lot comes to mind with that.

I wish i had someone I trusted and could talk with on so much

Yeah well, £uck you and £uck your suggestion to have a session at the beach. £uck you forever and ever amen!! You stink. Ip, dip, dogshit, you trod in it!!!

Is it weird that I feel more down about RBG dying than my own mom? Maybe not when you figure the whole state of the union and the possible impact. Granted I live in a very blue city in a moderately/mostly blue state. So I guess, I'm safe. It doesn't feel safe. It feels very scary.

Sorry for the really awkward session today. I want to look at you more but I can't think properly when I do and id just go silent.

Thank you for saying we could touch with our hands if I wanted, I was really tempted...but it felt too desperate of me to jump at the chance.

T: I’m going to miss talking to you while i am inpatient. Also, i’m struggling really badly right now.

Gotta remember to tell you about Jeff Brown's new online course about the abandonment wound. When I read the description much of it deeply resonated with me so I'm doing the course. I enjoyed his 'writing your way home' course so much, this one's bound to be good too! Lots of writing exercises. I'll share some of the workbook with you. Good stuff already I think it is going to be helpful. There's 6 hours of audio content too but I haven't listened to any of that yet, just started looking through the pdf workbook. Looking forward to Friday.

You know I feel silly when I let this/that part talk and say that stuff. Doesn't mean it isn't true. It felt good and silly to point out your mistake. Sometimes I do wish I could stay here even though there's lots of not good here too.

News from the rumour mill at school: practical classes for us might be cancelled soon which would make studying easier. Classes lasted 5 hours today with travel time I honestly just feel so worn out. Haven't started studying yet.

Dear T,
Thanks for all the support today. So that's two sessions out of the last three that I've spent crying nearly the entire time (and apologizing for it). I think like we discussed today, it's partly because stuff is going on at so many levels--family, school, country, world. It's hard to find something to hold onto. OK, like you said, we still have jobs, I have my husband and daughter. Sorry I kind of attacked you on the gratitude suggestion. I know that helps many people. But it just tends to make me feel guilty. Like, "I have all these things, so I shouldn't feel so bad." "I'm not in the ICU right now, I should be grateful for that." I already tend to feel guilty for struggling. FFS, I was apologizing today for crying so much. Maybe you need a little post-it for your computer for sessions with me: "No gratitude talk." I could probably think of various other things to add to that list... "No talk about reducing sessions (though I do have a timeline for 3 to 2) or ending therapy" etc. But thanks for all the support.
Love,
LT