Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

You were in such a good mood today you even sent an email afterwards apologizing for something that wasn’t such a big of a deal that it needed to be talked about immediately or in an email. I swear to god I sometimes think you are on this site.

L, please be on your A game tomorrow, oh dear one.

My thoughts keep veering into painful territory tonight.

Dear Info,

If you think I don’t have agency, what must your other clients be like?

ATAT

Thanks for the reminder text, L. You and your bitmoji are so hip

I can feel myself armouring up again. I don't want to do that.
Please help me not do that when we are talking tomorrow?

I actually feel hurt and I do miss you.

I'm going to give up waiting for an email reply back from you, which I'm sure you've read.

50 topics left.

Total study time for this month 91 hours + 19 mins.

Close to 95 when I had my last exam, but I know I haven't been working that hard and it took me a while to adjust to school.

I KNOW other people manage to have proper careers with the same type of mental health issues and background that I have.

They are lucky, congratulations to them for over coming so much. But you know they didn't do it with out help and support. I couldn't even get in to uni, and have zero help and support for it. I wish you could help me with all that stuff. I wish you knew how it felt to be this alone, so you would know what to do to help me with it.

why do you push me so much on this school thing as far as a master's program?! it would take me until I'm 70 before I could finish. what's the ****ing point in that? in spending all that money as if I even had it. if i got student loans I wouldn't even live long enough to pay them off. i'm ****ing pissed. stop pushing me on that!! I'M NOT YOU!!! yes i like taking classes at the community college level because 1) it's just enough intellectual stimulation to where i'm not overwhelmed on top of work and 2) it's affordable. That college you were talking about today I did look into it when you first told me about it and it's stupid expensive!!

I’m pretty hurt that you didn’t write me back tonight considering that you know what I have tomorrow.

I apologize for the long email. You kicked my *** today, you know. Damn.

Dear T,
I was hoping you'd at least reply with "fingers crossed!" or "Hope it goes well!" or something about my doctor's appointment today. Not a lot, just literally a couple words. But it's past your normal email answering time of the morning, so guess you won't... Maybe I should have made it more clear that I was really worried about it, but that I included the phrase "hope it's something easily fixable or at least not deadly" should have suggested I'm worried. I should have just said "I'm really anxious."
Love,
LT

Day off today as our nephro doc let us skip his rounds- which was nice of him. I even feel like I did get attached to him after only spending two weeks with him.

I would have liked a reply to the email I sent last friday. Seeing as it's already 7pm I think it's highly unlikely I will get one. I don't hate you.

All I've ever wanted has been love. To be loved unconditionally as I was.With or without the grades. With or without the degree.

If anything therapy with you allowed me to be okay with being myself. I am sensitive. I'm okay with knowing that parts of me can be impulsive,I can be a dork but I'm done with trying to fit in and conform to someone's idea of me.

Possible new T is also okay with seeing me on a ad hoc basis whenever I feel like i need a session.

Total study time so far today: 4 hours 19 mins.
40 topics left to cover for the first time and make anki cards for.

Dear T,
I really appreciate your caring responses to my text. You do know this is just reinforcing me though, right? I mean, of course I'd want you to reply, but if you say things like text is just for scheduling then respond favorably to my text about being scared of doctor's, then....that implies it's OK sometimes? But maybe you replied because you felt bad for not responding to my email.

I also wonder if my tears weren't all just regarding fears about the appointment, but also that I was literally a stone's throw from your office, and it made me sad. I intentionally took a different way than I usually would leaving to avoid driving by your office because I didn't know if I could deal with it.


And I'm out right now, trying to do a bit of work while enjoying the fresh air.

Love,
LT

holy smokes L!!! I slept like a damn log last night and woke up completely energized this morning and feeling ready to dive into this abandonment wound stuff so I can finally work through it/deal with it and stop letting it ****ing run my life. That's what it's been doing you know. And I've realized that's where the incessant worry comes from too... it's rooted in that wound, isn't it?


Thank you for your response to last night's long email. Yes, let's do this!! Step 1: accept that it's gonna be uncomfortable and probably even painful, and begin digging into this stuff anyway. I honestly do not want to do this bit with anyone but you. I meant it when I said I trust you more than almost anyone else.

I am actually mad at you. Our first appt back from your break, you are half hour late. And then you spent the last twenty minutes talking about your scheduling issues and how you are trying to accommodate those lucky few who get to see you in person because “they don’t get or have the technology”.

It’s just not fair that you are expecting me to make a long term change to accommodate someone else.

You also have said some things that make me feel like you think I’m this whiny privileged person. I work at a fast food restaurant part time and pay you over half my salary. Yes, I work weekends so I don’t have to pay for childcare- which means that I never get to see my husband and I’m 24-7 working or watching children. I have a degree, but everyone acts like I’m a moron because I’m not utilizing it, even though I’m just trying to make life work. I hate my life, but I love my children. I may not be as important as your wealthier clients, or your “first responder” clients.... but come on. For someone who says she’s not judgmental, I think you are fooling yourself.

I’m tired of feeling below everyone else. I’m tired of feeling so alone. I’m tired of feeling so reliant on a therapist that obviously doesn’t understand me as much as she claims to.

I don’t know if I want to even bother answering your next phone call. This is such a mindtwist and I have no idea what is the right thing to do.

Why were you so cold today? This is hard enough as it is without you being ****ing clinical. Do you now think warmth is harmful for me? How can it be harmful? I’m human, I need it. Please be human next week...this year has taken so much from me already.

Never mind

I’ve had a lot of people like you in my life. Since I was 4 and I had my special ed speech teacher who’d spend a ton of one on one time with me and I was extremely close to. But I moved on just fine and there were a lot of people after her. Although I haven’t gone through anything quite like this with anyone else besides you. But I don’t know. There have been so many people before you who were so similar to you. I’m sure there will be more after you. I’m sorry your replaceable. It sucks.

Who am I to reach out to when you are no longer there?

I keep re-reading your response to last night's long email. I really want to tackle this. I know it's gonna be uncomfortable and I have accepted that. I am ready. Funny how I didn't even realize this was a 'thing' for me until I saw that online course about it and the description just fit. I'm glad you're willing to help me work through the course.

Well, I should have realized it, because you knew it was a long time ago and I just wouldn't believe you. Silly Artie. You know what else? I just realized!!!!!! You know how when you point something out to me so that I can know it and work on it (like recently), I always, always, always take it as criticism? That's part of all of this, isn't it?! omg. I just looked it up. It is. "Hypersensitivity to criticism".

Oh and, I miss our hugs. So much.

I feel like such an idiot. I dropped my iphone trying to stop my lamp falling over and the screen cracked. Not sure if I will get it fixed as it's already 7 years old.
Same night I checked and I won £25 in my first month of having premium bonds.



Going to buy something from the bakery for my two new groupies.

We don't see a way forward here and I don't trust you anymore.

Should I email you with every toggle in my thinking? That would let you see how my brain is processing this.

Now I want to talk to you. I don't think I really think you might be mad at me. I hope you are not mad at me. I hope my words are able to not touch you in that way. They are not untrue. A part of me feels deeply betrayed. The intensity varies from very low to medium in that feeling. It is deep though.

It feels like they are undoing what it took you/us 2-3 years to get to in terms of trust and belief.

I kind of think that this has weighed on you... or maybe I hope it has. I know you are mad at them.

I don't know if I should tell you that I found out that out of network providers are subject to this same review process.