Couch 216: The Baseball Couch

So, H is going for an MRI redo today because they scanned the wrong area the last time. It's to determine the status of his injury from the fall (a "sports hernia," which is different from a normal hernia). It could mean he'll need surgery. However, it's sounding like insurance doesn't typically cover it because it hasn't been proven in clinical trials to be effective, so it's considered "experimental." Sounds like surgery could be $5,000-$10,000. Like entirely out of pocket. Which is freaking me out a bit, because that's a lot of money. But then going back and calculating...I probably spent somewhere in that range on therapy in a one-year period (the out of pocket cost), so I'd feel really bad saying "maybe you shouldn't do this." But a big part of it is also that it's considered experimental, so maybe we do that, and then it doesn't even help, at least not to the level that he'd want it to. I know he wants to be able to run and referee hockey games (like youth hockey, not pro or college) again, which is out of the question right now. And certain things cause him pain, like he said lifting some boards out of the car the other day, like things that involve a twisting movement.


I feel horribly selfish having doubts about it. I assume we could be put on a payment plan or something. And I know it hasn't been determined that he needs surgery yet, but stuff he read online says that physical therapy tends to only be effective if you start it immediately after the injury, and he, meanwhile, ran a marathon on the injury... then started PT like a month after that. Anyway, just ranting....If it turns out they recommend surgery, he'll of course contact our insurance company first. Now I also wonder that if surgery isn't covered, would the PT after surgery also not be covered? Ugh...

Have you bleached your hair at home before, SheHulk? It can go wrong so easily... mine turned grey. This was years and years ago. My hair was like straw for a long time. A friend at school said I looked wise.

Speaking of therapists and dogs, I asked the one I see if she could bring hers to my (online) session. I've seen pictures of him but I want to see a live action version. The issue is he sometimes barks and she thinks he might bark because there are sometimes people and their dogs you can see walking past her window (just the people's feet because she has the blinds down). But she said maybe we can schedule a session for sometime when she is at home and then I can see him. That made me happy.

My bad dye-at-home hair story was when I attempted to put highlights in my dark brown hair years ago. Essentially using bleach (well, peroxide or whatever is used on hair) on some areas. I ended up with these big patches of orange. My mom was like, "It will wash out," and I was like, "It was bleach, no it won't!" I did actually get a couple compliments. I eventually used darker hair dye over it, and it helped some. I then understood why salons charge so much for highlights...

Yeah, there are lots of horror videos of home bleach jobs on YouTube.

I have bleached it at home before years ago when I dyed my hair fire engine red. Already have red hair but that was an intense color.
I'm not going to bleach it at home again. This was a midnight spur of the moment decision because I had dye laying around. I'll deal with it until it fades and let it be for now...not like I'm going in public much for anyone to see so it's fine.

So that was a perfectly fine Dr. T session. It was helpful, he was generally empathetic, etc. But because I felt so connected last session, and it was a pretty intense session in general (meaning last session), it feels like sort of a letdown. Like, "Oh, that's it?" Does anyone else experience that?

I used to with Former T because we had weekly sessions. Doesn't seem to be as much of a problem with Regular T because I only see her every other week.

Ugh. Had a session that didn't feel good. I wanted T to tell me why he had said he felt proud of me last week, what he was actually feeling when he got choked up. But he was sort of bemused that I was even asking the question, said that it felt obvious to him. I don't know if he was maybe feeling a little defensive for having gotten emotional or maybe if a part of me was wanting him to say more so I could feel that good "wow you care enough about me that it makes you cry" feeling again and he was feeling annoyed in response to that. I hate that he wouldn't just frikking tell me... versus I hate that I couldn't just figure out what I wanted him to say and ask him about it. Now I feel like I ruined a really nice moment between us, like I made it gross and dirty somehow.

Yes! I often anticipate a more disconnected experience after an intense session - an expectation which itself no doubt influences the feeling of disconnect. I also think that I withdraw after a very connected experience because I feel a need to protect myself or keep her at arm's length. I suspect that might be different from what you experience, based on what you have previously said about your attachment pattern. But, yes I experience what you describe even if its root causes are probably different.

Thank you EM for posting I know I'm lucky but if I'm being 100% honest I've never had to financially struggle. Money has always been thrown at me to prove I am loved but I've not felt it. I have 4.2k in savings left + 3k I have to actually claim when I get back in london as it's one of those save £25 a month for X years kind of thing.

I don't know if you're feeling bad about wanting this, but I just want to throw out there that there's nothing wrong with wanting more of that feeling. I would 100% want some more of that too. And then I would beat myself up for wanting it and wanting it from him. I'm sorry he got defensive and annoyed about it. It would have been a really good opportunity to create more connection and he missed the boat.

You seem like a very generous and giving person, but it's also okay to splurge on yourself when you can. I hope you don't go two years without another haircut because you deserve to feel good about yourself. I know it was more expensive than you thought it would be, but I bet you look fabulous right now.

Finally saw T1. I don't know what the mix up was about. He texted me at 11 asking if we could meet at 11:30, then texted again saying he had to start at 12pm because his dog again. I know he has a lab because he told me today and that he was going to take it to the vet again after our session.
We talked a bit about touch but that's a really hard subject for me to discuss, even though I was the one who brought it up.
Good news is that he said he's going to start transitioning back to his office in the next few weeks. He said that he's only planning on being in his office twice a week and doing telehealth the other 3 days. So I have the option of switching to a different day to come to the office or keep the same day and continue with telehealth.

Wow, I still feel really bad about session earlier. I feel so... despondent.

It's so much easier to be mad at T than to be sad and disappointed.

I talked to my coworker CFO today about one of my supposed delusions and she was kind and helpful. I didn't go into full on detail about it but did cover most of it. She had offered to talk if I needed to this morning and before lunch I sent her an email with what's going on. Her response wasn't very long but it was helpful. I think this supposed delusion is losing some of it's strength in my head. It doesn't feel as strong.

SK, I'm sorry if I'm speaking out of turn, but I would advise you against communicating that sort of information over corporate email. Corporate email is not a private method of communication and you could even have those emails used against you in some circumstances.

I agree. My work emails, for instance, are actually state property since I teach at a state school. I try to avoid putting anything personal in them.

One funny thing from session today: T was being SO cautious and weird and spent a few minutes equivocating, like, "I'm not sure how you're going to take this but it's something I've been thinking about and is potentially very important" etc etc etc. Eventually he spat out, "I know you said in your intake appt that you had sexual interactions with women when you were in college... and you hate dating men so much... are you sure you don't want to date women?" I smiled and was like, "yes, T, I am totally sure," because obviously I've thought through that myself but dating women is just not for me. It's just funny how he was so cautious about it. Like, we live in a major metropolitan area in a blue state, it's 2020, I'm obviously super liberal (I've mentioned my politics to him a few times when it's come up in conversations)... what'd he think I was gonna do, get offended? Challenge him to a duel for insult? I'm just surprised he didn't ask me straight out (lol, pun), without all the drama around it.

I just opened the box for my new window air con and i think it maybe too big. I got the next size up from the one recommended as i have lived in places with too small air cons and the electricity bills were unreal. It really does look monstrous. Maybe once its in position it wont look so big.

Penelope was sitting next to me on the couch meowing continuously until I reached over and scratched her head behind her ears. She has grown to love that so much she will beg for it now haha. As soon as she had enough, off she went!!

OK, that's pretty funny!

And reminded me from one funny moment at the start of my session. Right after I logged on, Dr. T said, "hang on, I need to write something down real quick." Me: "Is it 'LT sucks'?" He paused a minute, then said, "No, if I'm going to write that, I'll use spray paint." Me: "OK, so if I see you grabbing a can of spray paint, I'll know." (He clarified it was just something for his to-do list, that if he didn't write it down, he'd keep thinking about it, so this would get it out of his head.)

God, I really feel awful. Damn therapy.

I took a nap and ended up having a dream about T1. He had come over to do an in home session for some reason, and we were sitting outside in front of my father's RV talking. The neighbor's dog was out, so T1 leaned over to see it and was basically up against me, almost over me, trying to look at the dog. He was unfazed by this, and then told me my hair smelled good.
I don't think he's the kind of T that would be willing to discuss dreams like this with. Ex T would have been super interested in talking about it.

I found my new pack of dental floss that i put in a safe, "easy to find" place sheesh probably a year ago. Anyway, yay me. I give new meaning to "smoke 'em if you got 'em."