Couch 216: The Baseball Couch

Technology failures are always an excuse for me, provided they don’t happen repeatedly. My school has a lot of students who don’t have laptops or internet at home.

So I emailed Info. She won’t be back in the office till mid July for safety (husband is high risk). But, she is also going away on vacation for the rest of June. I’m not sure how not coming into the office because of high risk husband is compatible with going away on vacation with same high risk husband? (Unless they’re going camping or to some remote cabin in the woods, neither of which seems to be Info’s style.)

Ah well. Info works in mysterious ways. Which is also doing wonders for my bank account.

The mind boggles, ATAT.

I hope she gets herself together...

It would be rare for me to take technology failure as a justifiable excuse. But I am dealing with law students and not undergrads.

The whole technology thing wouldn't have been an issue if campus was open.

Apparently there were lots of outages in this area overnight. I've never had an issue with outages until COVID, and now I've had three this month. They all happened late at night and resolved early morning which makes me think it's some sort of maintenance, but it's a really long time to be down and kind of stressful.

I'm late to the Keanu party but I totally would have sat with him at his table if I had been asked.

Yikes. I don't have anything to do today at work. I scanned some files into the database and I could do more of that but it is boring. So I usually only do two files at a time, and I only have three files left to do. I'll try to do more of that this afternoon. Sometimes I feel bad because I am getting paid to do nothing but then again, like I'm here if I am needed. It's really odd.

I feel like I am struggling with my mental health. I don't know if it is because of Covid, or because I stopped seeing Pastor T or because it's Summer (I tend to do worse in the Summer). I don't talk to T this week, I talk to her next week. I'm texting some friends but trying not to be THAT friend that is TOO needy. Sigh. I'm not even sure what would help. Last week I took an extra day off of work and that sort of helped but not enough, and it's not feasible every week anyway. Not sure what I need to do.

Hi Kit,

I can't remember what your T's stance on out of session contact is. If you are feeling that badly, could you reach out anyway?
After all, you know that there's no judgement from them.

Yes, I did that last week and she texted me a little and we talked for maybe 5 minutes. It's definitely an option. I just need to stop being so scaredy cat and contact her.

I don't want to go to session today. I'm feeling disconnected. Yesterday's session was via phone. His voice sounded different for some reason. He was sitting in a park and I could hear background noises like children playing and birds and the wind. He wasn't near anyone but it's weird when I'm sitting in a parking lot in my car because my cell reception at home is poor and he's sitting somewhere else in public and I didn't feel like we were alone. On top of that, I talked about being triggered by something I read which led to discussion of SA and I felt so alone sitting in my car talking about this stuff. I know I need to go, but I'm tired of everything right now.

I had a flashback last night. I feel vulnerable and pathetic. Needy. I have reached out to my therapist but said I don't need a reply because I am an idiot because what I really want is a reply. I don't feel comfortable reaching out to anyone else, not even my partner. This is horrible.

Could you write back and say you would like a reply after all? I've done that.

I would like to be able to do this, but it feels like being doubly vulnerable and I don't want to feel that. She is already giving me a lot, I feel bad asking for more.

*curls up on couch, whimpers*

What I would give for a hot chocolate and a ring doughnut.

HUGS Lost....kit gives you a blanket and a pillow.

I've never been mentally ready for bed by 8:00pm before.
The thing with going to bed early is that the 'circus' starts earlier.

All that rubbish in my head, with nowhere to go.

IDK. I think I might be having some delusions. Some people seem to be telling me I am. Like I have this hole in my chest. The skin has covered it back up but it's like 5 or 6 inches in diameter and it moves between the chest and the stomach. It hurts there. Some people are telling me that is a delusion. I think I have been reading the Bible a lot. I think these are getting stuck in my head like sticky thoughts. UGH. Can't though. It's been like 145 days so I gotta keep moving forward. Just not sure what to do with these sticky thoughts and places that hurt on my body.

I’m finished with PHP. The staff was very reassuring today; they said that anxious is a common feeling, but I am doing better and will be fine. I want to believe I’m going to be fine, just that the self doubt creeps in and says all kinds of bad things about me.

HUGS @daisydid Don't listen to the self doubt. You got this!

Those do sound like delusions. Have you considered calling your pdoc or your therapist about this? Especially if you're worried you might hurt yourself. Maybe they need to tweak your medicines a little bit.

Camping by myself. I was sort of dreading it (it was one of those things I planned in a fit of energy and then regretted) but I’m actually having a good time!

Una i just realised did you think it wasnme in the Keanu story? It really was my tall willowy friend. I once was hugged by Sean Connery when i was 7 because i thought he was my father as my father had died the year before and Sean sounds exactly like him. Thats the extent of internationally famous people i have met.

Daff, no i realized. I was just saying, if it HAD been you, i woulda been your bridesmaid, right?

Eta i saw the new movie advert today - it looks EXCELLENT!!!

Aaaaah I just heard that I got accepted to the psychoanalytic fellowship I applied for!!!

Yay! Congratulations!!