Couch 217: The Order of the Phoenix couch

All at the same time? That's impressive!

While screaming “get off my lawn!”

I played Jarts.

But she isn’t you. You’re not reparenting yourself. And she’s made it clear she really doesn’t want some of that empathy right now. She can know you love her without your doing things that currently upset her.

You and your husband seem to have different parenting roles. You’re the empathizer, he sets (and enforces) boundaries. Lots of couples with kids will have one parent be more disciplinarian than the other, yet both will combine discipline + empathy, but you two seem more extreme. So I’d imagine she might seek out the parent who fulfills her needs more at any given time. Right now, with the world in upheaval, that’s him, because she has a better sense of structure and continuity because he sets boundaries. When she needs empathy again, I bet she’ll turn back to you.

You say you set limits, but their results don’t come across in your posts. Like once she was kicking the car seat, you were asking her to stop, she didn’t, your husband stepped in to make clear it was serious and she should listen. She’s not allowed to hit you, but she does. She wouldn’t leave a room when you wanted to meet Dr. T in there, so you went down the basement.

I’m not saying any of this to be critical of you or your husband. Most parents I know do the best job they can with the tools they have. This is just how the situation seems to me through your posts.

I didn’t say they were exclusive. I only said each parent seemed to prefer one over the other, and that many parents combine both.

And it’s really not LT setting the boundary for not going out in the quarantine—it’s the state.

I just dreamed my gf drove my truck to the car wash, and to get out of the neighborhood, instead of backing out of the driveway, she drove across the neighbors' lawn.

I always read that as gluten free now.

ETA: Anyway my point is what the kid is doing now...if she doesn’t want empathy or to be touched, dial it back (without being mean) until she shows signs she does want it again. That might also lessen what the therapist is comparing to emotional abuse that’s upsetting LT.

(I mean, it’s like forcing a hug on stopdog. )

ETAA: Honoring a child’s boundaries is also a form of validation, no?

In fact, I think empathy is most important exactly when you're setting (and holding) a boundary. Sort of like, I won't let you do this, and I still 100% on the same team as you. "You wanted to play with the cheese grater and I took it away. That's really frustrating, isn't it?" (while the kid screams and cries).

raw cookie dough, rode in the back of trucks, and no seat belts.

and "car seats" for little kids that were a just a metal frame hung over the seat back with a seat attached

...said the kid on the roof in the flying squirrel suit!

Curious who has parented a child with autism, just out of curiosity?

I'm feeling restless. It's too hot to go for an afternoon walk, which was my springtime quarantine go-to. Maybe drive around in circles? There are so many fun, relatively unsafe options that appeal to me right now.

What if you swap it up a bit? Could it become an evening or an early morning walk before it gets too hot?

What about a cold shower?

Sometimes an early morning walk works well. My wife and I have been playing pickleball first thing after we drop the kid off at daycare. That's pretty fun. Our house has AC -- it's just the venturing outside part that becomes tricky.

Maybe you need a kiddie pool that you can splash around in together when it's hot outside. I assume if she's old enough to eat cheese off the floor, she's old enough for supervised time in a kiddie pool.