Couch 217: The Order of the Phoenix couch

I am not frightened of America. I am frightened of the current administration. I have hope that when we get past this current administration, saner, more knowledgeable, steadier leadership will return. My only fear is that it won't happen in the next election.

I'm at work on one of my non-furlough days. I'm bored. There's nothing to do. I've only been here an hour and 45 minutes and I finished my work so far. The sales people are off today so I don't anticipate there being a lot coming across my desk. As much as I hate furloughs I hate how the economy has really messed with our business. I'm doing two four hour days and two 8 hour days. I like the four hour days because I get my work done and then I don't have a long time to do nothing. HUGS Kit

It's doughnut Friday at work today though!

Have a donut for me, Kit? Someone has to eat the gluten.

I am really pleased—I was doomscrolling through Twitter when a writer I follow listed the nominees for an upcoming major book award. My workshop leader at my university was one of them. I think this is his first major nomination, he has always been an own-drummer kind of guy, an author’s author who gets overlooked.

Because of the pandemic it’s been so long since something good has happened to someone I know that the feeling of being happy for someone else is unfamiliar—but feels lovely.

I'm sorry things are so tough right now. We're here if you want to talk it through.What is T not getting?

Of course!

I live here and yes, I am. I go between terrified, afraid, somewhat hopeful, then back to terrified.

T said that ever since I started dating J, I haven’t been really engaging in therapy. It felt accusatory. I wish he could join in my happiness and help me cultivate a way to use therapy in this context rather than scolding me.

Because of this, I am dreading my session in a little over an hour.

I finally decided to publish my fairy Tale that I wrote as therapy homework back in 2016 as a Kindle e-book. I kinda hope my mom doesn't find it. But then I kinda hope she does. I let one of my friends read it back in 2016 and she loved it and read it to her grandkids and encouraged me to publish it. L was absolutely delighted with it as I recall. I've only let a handful of people read it before now. I'm wanting to get more of my writing out there in the world.

He almost sounds jealous.

I don't think you have to go 100%, full-on, dredging up every awful memory every session to still be engaging in therapy. There's nothing wrong with having a lighter session.

I hope it goes better than you think it will.

That was my first thought too.

If it were me, I’d ask him, “are you disturbed by thoughts of me with another man?”

I wouldn't deal with that therapist any more. He sounds petulant and narcissistic.

I don't think he sounds jealous. He's noticing a change and mentioning it to you.

There were times over the years when I didn't do therapy - at all. I was so distracted by new relationships, new children, new jobs, etc. that I was really quite a bit healthier in how I was coping, etc. (Positive distractions really can change things.) If I had been in therapy during those times, I probably wouldn't have engaged in the same way.

Are you feeling better/different/changed in some way because of your new relationship? If so, talk to him about that and how perhaps right now deep therapy work isn't really what you want to focus on. This is one of those points in therapy where you two may need to change up your focus, at least for a while.

Is there no end to the madness?

Now there's a national coin shortage.

Session was awful, as predicted. He says I'm not being thoughtful about how I inhabit the sick role in relation to J, that I'm not being curious about things that have come up btwn me and J, that I'm not using therapy the way that I used to. He says that all of these things I'm doing ultimately put my relationship with J at risk. I told him I just want to experience the damn relationship with J as it develops, that I don't want to have to work so freaking hard. He says I'm burying my head in the sand.

I don't know what to do. He wants me to think about these issues before our next session on Monday but I just want to cancel our next few weeks of sessions and come back when I have something *I* want to talk about.

Is he pointing at actual, specific things you're doing with J that could be improved by working on them in therapy? If not, ignore him. If yes, it seems like you'd want to get J's input on whether these are problems for him first. Like if you're playing a sick role with J, does that matter to J atm?

It kind of seems to me like he's projecting himself into J. But J is a totally different person from him. He's also projecting his image of you, which may not be how you are to J.

I am not feeling well emotionally so I texted a couple of friends and asked them to pray for me when they had time. One responded already, the other one is probably working and it is probably not her lunch yet. The first one was sort of helpful but not enough. Usually the other one is more helpful. We'll see when I get the text. I wish I didn't have to go through so much stuff every time I don't feel well, but I know the safety plan works and this is step one so yeah, I gotta do it. HUGS Kit

Amelia and Esther see different vets. I also have pet insurance on Amelia that I wasn't smart enough to get on Esther. I need to get Amelia in to the vet to get whatever shots she needs now that she is two. They sent me a reminder last month and I kept saying, I need to do this. So I scheduled the appointment and they are able to get me in tomorrow. It's just a "well visit/preventative exam." Makes me wonder if I should try to get Esther in to this place, but they don't have all her records and all her history and everything. Being a pet parent can be so hard sometimes! It's hard to know what to do!

The thing I did that he is most concerned about is something that happened while J and I were camping. I woke up from a nightmare or something and was convinced that J didn't like me anymore and I felt panicked; J woke up and asked me what was wrong and I told him and he calmed me down. In the morning J said that it had been scary to see me that upset.

T wants me to think about the extent to which I caused this incident to happen (even though my experience is that I was asleep and woke up out of control and it happened despite my trying to tamp it down). He suggested that if I don't engage in therapy properly this kind of thing will keep happening and may very well disrupt my relationship with J. To me it feels like he's just invalidating my experience of the thing, like he's imposing his theory and "concern" on me.

Less than 30 minutes left of work and then it is the weekend. Having a furlough schedule is really tough to keep on what day is what. Sometimes I work half a day, sometimes I work a whole day, sometimes I don't work. It's random and confusing.

Dang...one of the friends I texted since I'm not doing so great emotionally seems kind of mad. It's hard to tell the tone over text so I'm trying not to overreact. It's hard though because I don't want someone mad at me on top of everything else.

Is your therapist getting the vibe that you are asking/allowing (not literally or intentionally - just as it happens) J to "fix" you at times? Early in the relationship that can be comforting. As a relationship continues, it can become a real problem. I don't think your therapist is off base on this one. It is something I would encourage you to explore. It took years to undo the damage to my own marriage after we had fallen into that pattern - it came close to destroying the relationship. We worked through it, figured out how not to make each other responsible for each others' happiness, figured out how to not feel responsible for "fixing" the other . . . but it was really difficult to undo.

So I have been thinking about this and I keep coming away with a concern that your therapist is indirectly telling you that you can't be you, chihiro, without driving people like J away from you.

That's where you are now. Okay, yes, you're really scared sometimes. Sure, you may have trouble regulating emotions. But you're also smart and dedicated and curious and pretty and that seems pretty good for J right now.

And, people have nightmares. I mean, maybe your therapist only dreams of buying shoes like that guy on Murphy Brown, but most people know what it's like to wake up from a nightmare terrified. And most decent people offer comfort if their partner wakes up from one. Even 2ex could manage that.

I mean, unless he is going to devote therapy to the two of you co-sleeping until you wake up scared from a nightmare and control it according to his standards, what are you supposed to work on? It seems like a balanced life, which you're seeking, will get you there faster.

ETA: Still think J's opinion matters more here, not your therapist's.

I have been trying to eat 3 "meals" a day and i am just about there habit wise. I am planning on changing them into more nutritios meals soon. But last night dreamed that i had to build 5 robots out of kitchen implements so they could make my breakfast
I think i am playing too many video games