Couch 218: Northern Minnesota 2050

Yes! She needs to know.

You think? I'm kinda afraid she'd drop me like a hot potato if she knew how messed up I really am that Ihave hidden from her all this time because o my st upid f;ing p ride and my NEED to be the good little gir.. idon't care. i'm going to do i ta nyway.

That's your understandable fear, that she'll run.

Not long ago I told T something which had cost me someone I loved like the family I never had. That someone's love towards me changed completely. I lost their love, they told me I'm a monster. It ripped open all my healed wounds. It destroyed my fledging sense of "i am an ok person".

I thought T would ditch me too.

I don't think L will run but I understand the fear.

I don't think she'd drop you. But i understand the very real fear. And some Ts can't do this. I believe L can, and we couchies are here.

wow. WOW. wow. yes.
that.
we are TOTALLY entering the yolk.
i have never heard that comparison before.


BUT that's where we are.
And i think she does see it. and that's why she's pushing me. And I am accepting it, although v ery grudgingly. i trie dto tak e a break today. but that's why we got into an argument. she yelled at me and pusehd the hell outta me to not tak e a break. i did agree, that i don't wan tot quitagain just at this point where somtehing huge an dpainful is about to happen. She sai d we nee dto get THROUGH this. it hurt. i hated it. but i pusehdmyowneslf and i said yes i want to get ThROUGH this finally. i HAVE to do this no matter how much it hurts. but i'm scared. i don't know what it is that i tried to run away from agian.

Also your pride has survival value, so does mine. Same for "good little girl". We had to be good, to be as perfect as possible, to try to keep ourselves safe. On some level, we were taught that if we weren't perfect, we would be harmed.

It's so hard ti change precisely because it bought some desperately needed safety, it's a defense protecting some deep core wounds.

thank you so much again fo rbeing here tonite. i'm so sorry you ahd to go through that. you are WAY more than JUST ok. you are awesome and beautiful.

i dont' think she will run either, not deepdown inside, but i tis a fear.

such a goo dpoint about prideb ing a survival value. this damn good little girl complex want s to kill me somtimes i think. that's what got me today. wanting to be the perfect good little girl but she forced me to admit that i'm NOT and that hurt hurt hurt

like if i' mnot the perfect little client she won't love me i have to be perfect in order to deserve love and i know in my head that' snot true but my heart doesn't care a whit what my stupid head knows

thank yo ufor saving me from drunk emailing L

You are worthy of love even when not perfect, dear Art. You are lovable as you are. Drunk, crying, snotty. Heck I'd drink with you and hug you.

My protective instinct is rather pissed with L right now.

With trust comes immense capacity to wound, therapists ought to be highly aware of that. Like it or not, the therapist will never be as vulnerable as the client. Not when the attachment on the client's end can be deep and literally ****ing feel like psychological annihilation.

Can you email her the part about how she hurt you?

Lucia Bennett, LPC | Therapist (@somatic_therapist) posted on Instagram • Sep 2, 2020 at 6:12pm UTC

The image and caption

Thank you.

Well, I won't email it to her, but I am typing it all out in a word doc and I plan to read it to her next week. That will be best I think. To say it to her in real time.

Psychological annihilation is SUCH an apt description, btw.

wow just WOW. I hadn't really ever thought of that way somehow but it's so TRUE isn't it?

i need to go to bed it's almost 1 am here and i've been up since 5:15 am i'm about to fall asleep on my keybaord. thank you SO MUCH fo rbeing her e tonight QM. you deserve so much love and respect too. you're such a dear caring soul .thankyou.

I get her frustration but hey she shouldn't have yelled. This kind of work can be very important, and it's also very very very very painful for the client. Of course you'd want to run, take a break. Old patterns flare up because this is very deep and terrifying.

She can call you out ANNNNNDDDD validate your fear. She can offer you choice, so it doesn't feel so scary. Like a safe word on bdsm.

I asked my T "what will happen to me when I process?" because I, too, am scared shitless.

She can be firm but still loving and respectful of your fears

Sleep well! Abd yes, great thing putting it in the word doc to read

she was after she yelled at me and pulle dherslf back a llittel from that. it acrtually was probably good that sh edid. it woke n eu pusome.

Just wondering what does the finish line look for you?

You 100% didn't deserve any of that.

I personally don't think any T ever has a right to yell at a client (unless their obviously in danger and all of that).

I like that analogy. My T will talk about the center of the onion, which is similar, having to go through the layers to get there.

I have the "good little girl" complex as well. It comes out the most with "authority figures" (including T's), but can come out with friends and partners, too. I was a good student and I followed the rules (well, till partway through college). I didn't really "rebel" till like junior year of college. I still don't want to bother or upset anyone because I fear rejection. My mom has in her mind certain ways that people should be, and I looked for acceptance in that, hiding other parts of myself.


I've now found that I need to let some of those parts show. Or else I think things like "If this friend knew x about me, they'd drop me in a second." For a bit, that led to probably oversharing, like "testing." I think I've hit a healthier balance now, which is something that Dr. T has helped with considerably.


I think it could be good that this dynamic is playing out with your T, Artie (though not the yelling part). Working through it together could be helpful and powerful, assuming your T can handle her emotions, too.

Today's session was draining. I haven't landed yet.

thanks LT. I think so too, and I think that's why I didn't let myself quit and run away yesterday even though that's what I so wanted to do.

I could not answer that question until this morning.

The finish line for me, looks like finally letting go of my good little girl complex/persona.