Couch 218: Northern Minnesota 2050

That's exactly my fear. Why I'm so afraid to let the good little girl persona go. WHO WILL I BE WITHOUT IT?

The New York Times Spelling Bee game is telling me “cope” is not a word.

So what I have been doing mostly successfully all these years?

That's definitely a word! I am so awful at that game. I have a good vocabulary (and I'm good at actual spelling!). But I seem to get so few of the words. I've given up on it, because it just makes me feel dumb... I'd rather have more fun feeling dumb doing the crosswords! Though i have been improving at those, as a result of learning some of what they call "Crossword-ese," like words that show up frequently in crosswords, not so much in real life. See: "eke," for example.

The world truly has gone mad when "cope" is no longer a word.

Eke, and ere, and Sega created Sonic the Hedgehog.

At least not doing Spelling Bee spares you from obsessing (like me) about getting to the Genius level of points every day.

I am fine at the MTW crosswords, but my archives includes partially solved ThFSa crosswords (I do the Sunday ones in the newspaper). I refuse to look things up, but if I take a couple days off and then go back to a puzzle, it helps.

I think I gotta tell T on Saturday that I'm stuck. I'm stuck and I'm tired of pushing through which is what it feels like I'm doing and I just want to disengage from everything and everyone and go back to bad coping mechanisms. I feel like I'm going to relapse or fall apart or maybe both. This is bad timing as my parents are going away this weekend. I need to keep it together this weekend. But I'm exhausted to the bone of just pushing through. I need someone to carry me for a while. I feel like my nephew must have felt like after a long day at Disneyland where he sat his butt down on the ground and did not want to move. I couldn't carry him because we already had his little brother to carry and the packages and everyone's stuff so he had to walk. I was like, "Honey, I'm so sorry but you have to get up and walk to the tram. You have to. I can't carry you." But when we drove home I carried him from the car to the bed because he was just done. That's how I am: done. Except it hasn't been a fun old day at Disneyland. I know I need to text my support people but I'm tired of doing that too. I just want to **** up. And then have to deal with the fall out even if it means hospitalization. But I know that's just part of me talking because I really don't want to be hospitalized so I have to have to have to pull it together. **** it!

I have an intake appt with an IOP program in an hour. I'm feeling anxious about it.

I sent a very irritated sounding email to my therapist at 10 pm last night because he said he'd email me to tell me what time we're meeting today and he hadn't. I feel like such an ***.

I hate everything right now.

Hugs, Kit.

And NP.

While ETTA James played in the background.

I'll Google stuff for the crosswords (names of people I have no idea on, for example, and none of the crossing words help), but try really hard to avoid checking a letter or word (as that messes up the streak). But there was one day last week where I was just like, "OK, I have no idea" and just clicked on "Check puzzle." I think I even revealed a couple letters. I try to finish them no matter what, but prefer to do it without help as much as I can.

Hugs, Kit. I think you do need to share that with your T. I like the Disneyland analogy--I'd use that in talking to her.

Hugs, NP. Hope the intake goes well. Would you still be able to see your T while in the program?

Yes, that's our plan.

Thanks LT. I did text T and told her that I'm stuck and that I feel like letting myself spiral out of control. I told her I would keep it together until Saturday when I see her so she wouldn't worry. But yeah, I'll bring up the Disneyland analogy on Saturday. She'll get it because back in the day she used to work at Disneyland and we've sort of bonded over Disneyland.


I'm desperate enough that I'm considering emailing Pastor T.

Last night I kept having dreams that I was in car accidents. I wonder if that is a relapse dream. Like the aftermath of relapsing.

That's awful, Kit. Maybe something you could mention to your T?

I saw that this morning too! I was more annoyed than my usual faux-annoyance that it doesn't accept my (typically obscene) slang.

QM, if your partner is more likely to believe a random white guy than you, that is a Very Bad Sign.

This is my favorite rice cooker recipe, although I haven't tried many. I want to make rice cooker mac and cheese, but I'm so discerning about my mac and cheese that I am almost sure to be disappointed.

I do the mini puzzles because they are immediate gratification. I do M/T/W of the main puzzle. I no longer bother frustrating myself with Th or Sunday. I think Th is supposed to be the hardest after sunday's puzzle

OMG, I'm not sure I trust this place with my welfare. Appointment was at 10:30 online. Got nothing via email. No one called me so I called them. They had me down for in person. I finally got the Zoom invite but she wants to start at 10:55 instead of immediately. My anxiety can't deal with this. I almost want to back out of it now.

That is maddening, NP. I wouldn't blame you for taking a step back.
It's on them to make sure that they have the right information.

HUGS NP. Try to breathe and focus your breathing if you can. HUGS!!! Kit

I just remembered that I bought some hatch chiles when we were at the grocery store a couple days ago. I need to go roast 'em and figure out what I'm going to make with them! Yummers.

eta: they are roasting now and smell incredible. i may go back to the store and if they still have some, buy a bunch more, roast and freeze 'em.

i have a 3 day weekend, then I work Sunday, off Monday, then work Tuesday, and am off Wed-Sat next week. Tried to get Tuesday off too but the calendar was already full so I gotta work. I'm not really comfortable with the thought of traveling anywhere right now with Arizona having so much covid, so I'm staying put and working on cleaning out closets and getting rid of stuff, and boxing up things for the neighborhood garage sale weekend that's coming up soon. I'm hoping that by uncluttering my physical space, that will help unclutter my head.

Italians roast and freeze peppers by the bushel full in late summer. Its like a tradition. Going to the railroad tracks to get the goods, like grapes to make wine, tomatoes for canning, and peppers. They never took me, so i dont know what thats about!

This is such a good question. I can actually answer this one. This resonates with me. I caught a glimpse of my new self the other night.

Oh btw i also caught a glimpse of the old store guy. With masks, you dont catch much more than that nowadays!