Post about T and my progress...Please Read...Much appreciated!

Its been quite a while since i've posted here on PC..but I have a lot on my mind atm and feel the need......

I've now been seeing my T for over 6 months...each month is a dramatic change........therapy has been tough....aside from the reasons I'm in therapy...therapy has also created situations.....im unsure if I should say their problems. My T is 45ish...very attractive...and definitly doesnt look 45......if she hadnt told me I'd have guessed 33-35.........

Her attractiveness makes a problem for me.....I'm 17...and with rageing hormones this can be confusing......bluntly and "sadly"? I have sexual thoughts about her...they seem to increase as time continues....

The more so difficult problem is the possibility of her "going". So many times espcially as of late...I get in my head that she is going to fire me...leave or just go away in some form......this has made a more so difficult crises then the erotic transference........many times over the course of the last 3 months I h ave franticly called her office crying...or e-mailing her thinking she is "going" where I have no clue...with this going affect I think she also hates me....its like a odd panic attack directed at therapy......

She says she cannot figure out why i think these things...and that she isnt going.....

Before I continue..I have a couple questions:.....1.am I odd for having sexual attractions to someone MUCH older then me?

and 2....how do i convince myself she isnt "going" anywhere and she doesnt hate me?

I believe my therapist feels she is doing no good...and I'm the leader of this...she continues to make suggestions...and offer help...I on the other hand can barely do these things...tho I try so hard in my head to force them into the light....

This is one reason I think she'll fire me........while I am not doing certain activities and reacting to suggestions..she IS helping me........before I began seeing her...i had NO hope...little interest in therapy...and I was almost rdy to give up....

then She came....

I recently took a IQ test for a rehab program to help me with college when I start this fall....She gave it to me...it was yesterday evening...and was 2 hours long...in those 2 hours....many things crossed me mind....

1. I starred at her alot...making my sexual attraction to her even more so confusing....

2. I felt dumb when unable to answer questions.....but also safe knowing she was giving the test...

3. I was very depressed about being in her office but unable to vent...after all thats what I'm a custom tooo...

4.. Lastely she talked to my mother on the phone asking some questions....my mom then asked "how is he doing"....in turn my mother told her she saw no difference....which scared me....i thought "what if T leaves me because she thinks she's doing me no good?"......

Well thats it for now....plz reply if you can...i need some warm hugs

1. no of course you aren't too young to be attracted to .. anyone. you're attracted to whomever you're attratcted to.

2 a: try to remind yourself when you feel her 'leaving' what is real. is she really? or is this a thought in your mind and only a thought?

2.b: give your frantic response to your fear some room and time. see 2a

3. therapy is about you and how you feel. your mom is your mom, but she doesn't know how you feel inside; that is yours and yours alone. therapy isn't something you pass or fail, and hearing her ask 'how' you're doing must feel like you are being graded, rated, judged. can you talk to T about how you feel about her talking with your mom?

I use to calm myself when I was afraid my T would leave or we were getting ready to break for vacation or something by reminding myself, "she's still here NOW". You only have right this minute, the future isn't guaranteed for anyone. Get what you can from your T as she offers it, learn what you can.

Like Echoes says, you're not weird for having sexual attraction to anyone but I wouldn't spent a lot of time thinking about that/focusing on it if it can't come true. That's like fantasy and doesn't lead anywhere. We all have to learn to sublimate our sexual attractions or other kinds of interests in others that don't "match" what others want too.

If your T is doing you good, let her know exactly how if you can and tell your mom too? It's not really what they hear or think that decides things but what they see and hear from you. T's are very enjoyable to be around but that's not what they're "for".

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
how do i convince myself she isnt "going" anywhere and she doesnt hate me?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Just by getting periodic reassurance and consistent behavior from her. Each week she sees you she is there, hasn't gone anywhere, and is accepting. Hopefully, with time, her consistency and reliability will be internalized by you. Maybe you two can work out a little closing ceremony at the end of each session where she gives you some reassurance she will be there next week.

I think it would be good if you told your Mom how helpful therapy has been for you. You can give her some concrete examples (e.g. I am less depressed, I am not as withdrawn, I can talk easily about my problems to my therapist, I am less scared of crossing bridges, or whatever you are working on). I have a 13 year old daughter in therapy and I would love to hear such words from her. As the one who pays for her therapy, I wonder from time to time, "is this helping her?", "Is this hurting her?", "is this worth it?", etc. Parents want to do the best they can for their kids, but sometimes it's hard to know if what we are doing is the right thing or helping. So please let your mom know!

Hey Dustin:
It's your friend drmr!!! Long time since you pm'd me, son!
What's going on? do you not trust me anymore? Have I made you mad?
I need you to concentrate on Dustin. Think about what you
want for your future. You need to stop "feeding" your self doubts about yourself. Work on more positive aspects of your life. Sure, you're a young kid who has yet to have his first real experience with a girl....that alone drives the young men wild. That will come in time. I promise.
Stop telling yourself she's going to FIRE you. You don't work for her....she works for YOU!!! Or your parents, rather.
Your mother is allowed to ask how you're doing as you are
still a MINOR in her care. She won't reveal anything pertinent about you. Just to inquire about you and how she thinks you're doing. She cares, Dustin, don't fault her for that. She's a mom. Let her be!!!
Relax son. Life isn't easy, but it pays off in the long run. Stay young while you can, cause being grown up is not all
it's cracked up to be!!!!............................ask any BABY BOOMER!!!!!!!!!!!! lol........................hahahahaha

BIG HUGS DUSTY...................
ME

1. feeling sexually attracted to anyone is normal. It is a feeling. Feelings cannot be controlled. Your actions on those feelings, however can be controlled. Only if you acted on these feelings would it be a problem. I'd suggest talking to T about them so you understand WHY these feelings are so strong.
2. fear of abandonment is another issue you and T can dive into. I'm guessing she is not the only person in your life you've had this fear to. have you ever been/felt abandoned before?
3. She can't fire you. Only YOU can fire HER. you're paying her, remember??? Therapy will only end when you both have mutual agreement to, and/or you have proper closure.
take care.

It is quite common for the feelings a patient has towards his female doctor (and female patients to male Ts)to be categorized erotically. I think it stems from not having any such relationship previously in life, and that the therapy relationship is totally different than any other. You just don't know what to do with the feelings, and they go into the "love" category, but really don't belong in a regular love bin. One needs to create a new category for the feelings within a therapy relationship, imo.

It is work, as I often say, to do good therapy. If this work also includes keeping your eyes and mind from rambling towards your feelings towards T, and back on you and your issues, so be it.

And, yes, it's normal for any healthy teenager to fight hormones in a myriad of situations, how much more so when you find someone who cares about you!