Unconditional Positive Regard

I met with a potential new T today and there were a few things that he said that makes me think he isn’t going to be a good match. One of the things related to unconditional positive regard. I told him that due to previous bad experiences with Ts I find it very difficult to trust and be vulnerable due to fear of judgement, rejection etc etc. He then mentioned that it was his job to practice unconditional positive regard during sessions. I responded that it’s hard for me to believe that is possible and that after sessions I get paranoid that Ts will think badly of me and moan to their supervisor about what an awful client I am. He then said that it didn’t matter what he thought of me outside of those 50 minutes that he spent with me. As long as he showed unconditional positive regard during the sessions his feelings outside of that time were irrelevant as they don’t interfere with the therapy. I found this quite hard to process, like he was basically saying he could think I was the worst and most annoying client in the world but as long as he didn’t show that during the sessions and pretends he has unconditional positive regard when he is with me then that was ok. Is this really how that is supposed to work?!

No that's not how it's supposed to work. I don't see why he'd tell you that Another core condition in humanistic therapy is congruence which means what you see of the therapist in the session is pretty much who they are outside of sessions - another words, they're not putting on a show or false act for you. Your T doesn't come across very congruent if he's under the impression that how he feels /says about you once you leave the room is irrelevant to the therapy with you. The idea behind humanistic therapy is to show the client that their care is genuine and real and unconditional positive regard is supposed to be part of that. It's certainly possible to feel it it from a T in a real, genuine, authentic way - I do from mine. I'd be very put off if I heard what your T told you. I think trust your instinct here.

I agree that the T should not have said that but in reality just like with any job, there are certain professional standards of how to treat the client no matter how you feel about them. In therapy the role of the T is to show unconditional positive regard even if they do have different personal feelings. I guess it is up to the T to decide if they can continue with a client if they have personal issue regarding them. When I ask my T if he is mad at me or whatever, he always responds with an answer like "if I am angry or frustrated, that is my issue to deal with.". I believe there are times in any therapy relationship when the T disagrees or takes issue with what is happening in the room; it is human nature in any relationship. Although he shouldn't have said it; this T is correct. As long as he doesn't let it come into the room, it should not matter.

I think this is difficult for many clients to accept as we all want to be liked and cared for by our T and I am sure that is what is happening 90% of the time. Unfortunately, real life also includes the other 10%.

It's inevitable that any relationship is going to involve difficult feelings towards each other at some point along the way. It wouldn't be real if it didn't. And a therapist being congruent doesn't obviously mean revealing all their frustrations and negative feelings to their client. It just felt to me that the T in question was compartmentalizing (there's a word!) the therapy experience to the point it came across rather inauthentic, or at least would to me. Maybe that's just my perspective.

Is this what he said? Or is this how you interpreted what he said? Did he say he he would "pretend" to have UPR? None of us here know what he said, what his tone was like, or what his intentions were, but it is possible that you are hearing him through your paranoia, negative previous experiences and fear of being vulnerable. In turn, you might be missing his intended meaning. It would be a meaningful discussion to have with him - to check out your understanding and his explanation. If there is a mismatch, you have uncovered something valuable about how you operate in relationships. If there is no mismatch and his intention is to pretend and fool you, then you have uncovered a $hitty therapist and you know to avoid him.

Except UPR might require some element of compartmentalising. Not all clients are likeable, some clients are challenging and unpleasant to work with - I am one of them. The inauthentic element would be for a therapist to claim that they like a client when they don't.

T and L say that if they don't like their clients, they'll refer them to another T. Maybe that sounds harsh, but what's the point of working with someone who doesn't sincerely like you.

*Note: just because you might be difficult, doesn't mean you're unlikable

Thank you Email my therapist and let her know, would you?

My T explained unconditional positive regard as meaning that regardless if she agreed with everything I do or say or not, she will always accept me unconditionally and without negative judgement as I am and where I am.

I don't like what your T said about what how he feels outside appointments is not relevant; it bothers me. Not sure I could trust him because for me knowing I am not being judged is HUGE.

What a the T said about hoe he thinks outside of appointments doesn’t sit well with me... but it could also be poor wording choice.
This week for the first time I saw a glimpse of my T as judgmental. It was not towards me and I too would be very judgmental in the same situation. So... I know my T can be judgmental outside of his role as a T. And, if I am being honest with myself I don’t trust him 100% not to judge me as there are some things I am still withholding from him. But even if he did judge me on those things at some level I don’t think it would change his professional treatment of me nor do I think it would change his overall appreciation of me as a person. I think we could get through it.

One thing I find interesting is the concept of a boundary around what your T said. The phrasing is not great for me either because I too struggle some off and on about what my T thinks about me or how I might be impacting her personally. The truth is how he is feeling about what he is experiencing with you is his experience and his to own. The fact that he can stay in unconditional positive regard regardless of what feelings are coming up for him, is actually a good thing in my book. It means he can separate what is his and what is yours while doing his job.

I was wondering about this too. My gut feeling is that this is a shytty therapist though

You may of misinterpretted what he said. Of course me not being there I wouldn't know. I'm throwing t hat out there as a possibility.How do you feel talking to him about this issue with him/her? I believe there is a limit to unconditional acceptance. I disbelieve a t or pdoc should accept if a consumer/ client metions being sefl harmful or self sabatouging

My favourite T said that to me too. I was having difficulties relating to a student. He said I need to learn to practice unconditional positive regard with my student, the same as he has to practice it with his patients. I guess that's what keeps us coming back. Like having parents we know love us, even when we behave badly. I can see what your T was trying to say, maybe they didn't say it in the right way, but I don't see anything sinister in it. It takes time, even years, to even trust anyone.

UPR should be a basic attitude towards T's clients. Perfectly fine disclosure from T.

This was an empathic failure on T's part. T also wanted you to accept his idea of strict boundaries in spite of not being able to connect with your need to be accepted.

At the very best I can imagine this was a clumsy attempt as providing insight about it's best to concentrate on the 50 minutes where you can actually experience T's unconditional positive regard. So clumsy, indeed it makes me feel weird to stop writing, so I would like to add it's probably what T would want from a therapeutic situation.

For me it would have been disturbing. And if it disturbs you too, then you two are probably not a good fit. A good fit shows in the first couple of sessions. If it disturbed you to a degree that you've posted about it here, it might be best for you - and your T - to part ways.

I really don’t understand this. It’s not a romantic relationship or friendship.

Should doctors not treat patients whom they don’t like or should teachers not teach students they don’t like? Do they not deserve treatment? And how would therapist even bring it up? I don’t like you, go see different t? I think as long as clients’ well being is held to high regard and focus is on helping them to be better then why “liking” is important?

My Ts are in private practice and don't take insurance. They get to choose who they work with. They determine, along with the client, if they'll be a good fit. I'd rather a T tell me upfront that we wouldn't be a good fit than ti take pity on me or other clients and work with everyone who comes through their door. I've had a few Ts who I wish they would have just helped me find someone else. Ex-T took me on because I desperately needed someone. She should have referred me. She knew I had BPD and was actively suicidal and SH. She knew CBT was only going to help a little bit. Yet she still took me on. In the end, I think I was too much for her.

I know what I wrote sounds harsh, but better to be truthful than to cause harm. I wonder how many people here would have benefited from being referred instead of having a T who was ill equipped to deal with a client.

I see your point. I just felt that “liking” had no place in all this. Not being a good fit or not being equipped to treat specific disorders is a valid reason to refer out

It sounds to me like the Therapist was saying they cannot promise not to talk about their clients outside of the sessions. As if he was saying: it's none of your business if I talk about you to my associates or friends. I think you are right to hear alarm bells.
I know that all therapists have to report to a supervisor if they are having issues with a client. They should have been absolutely clear with you and said that they will only share information about a client if they feel the client may be in real danger.
A therapist should practice and use UPR, not just pretend to show it.

I think unconditional positive regard is baloney. Sure, therapists can try to be nonjudgemental but they are people like everyone else and they can't just turn off the same impulses and emotions we all have. It bothers me when therapists pretend, or worse, actually believe this nonsense.

Regard is for the person, not for the person's behavior.

So? That changes nothing (from my perspective, of course). I think a therapist who claims a person's behavior has no effect on how they feel about that person is either dishonest or has a serious deficit in self-awareness. Therapists can't obtain selective immunity from being human with all the education and training in the world.

Unconditional positive regard is not about not having any judgments nor is it about condoning everything a client does e.g. 'you've robbed a bank, wahey good job'. Every human being judges. The thing is - what do you do with this judgment.

Just like a kid who misbehaves, does it mean we hate the kid's guts? And does still liking or loving said child mean we are hypocritical? No.

It is about compassion and support.

I think how therapists' feel affects how they act. I think a therapist who is angry, insecure, threatened, having a bad day etc. acts differently (even if only slightly) than a therapist who is having positive feelings toward a client. Seems preposterous to claim otherwise, but that's just my opinion. Take it or leave it.

Yes, it is an attitude that is pretty difficult to uphold. I think it's the hardest one of the empathy-congruence-upr trio. One of the most challenging things is to see that there's a person in front of you who've done horrible things, and perhaps openly manipulates you, yet you are capable to see why is that person that way, see why that person can't have those needs met in a more mature, functional manner.

I think emotions can coexist with conflicting attitudes. I know I can hate my favorite sports team for playing in a horrible way, still that anger is coming from my positive regard.