[Mouse_]

I dont know whats going on with me at the moment. I feel as if I have taken a step back, but saying that there's this little tiny voice in my head telling me that I've gone back so I can work through somemore stuff....the other night I dreamt I was a child in my childhood home and it was xmas time adn I was with some childhood friends and I needed to get that love fix so bad that I injected Heroin...I've never used an intervenous drug but do hold an obsession about heroin...in the dream my fix I wanted in my head got itched...then I woke up and I felt so flat because I woke up into reality....I told T about this dream and then gradually as the session went on I guess I had and still am flipped into time warp zone....I didn't recognise T , I recognised the room eventually and the books and the light in the room seemed to bright and I told T i don't feel safe with her, I feel safe with her books becasue they wont change...then I got upset and told her she is %#@&#! with my head, pulling me in then pushing me out. T said, like your mother did?...not long after that the session ended and I am struggling to find any happiness of sense of self as I have become to be now. I dreamt last night I was in a strange place with strange people and I needed that fix in my head again and this time I was begging people for a joint...I got it and felt good in the dream then I was faking how ill I was in a doctors office just to get drugs and to get the attention and love I percieve one gets from this...then I woke up again and here I am typing this...Oh in the dream T turned to stone and I felt that there was nothign to be got from her...or perhaps I turned her to stone because right now the attachment game seems very scary...it feels like I am about to get overwhelmed with feelings of love for her which is way to scary and I have to shut down to get rid of them....this is where I think I am stuck in the "warp" T wouldnt I guess reject my feelings..but the fear/memory of not getting them returned is to scary to contemplate and to me it would be less scary to get my need met by a can of beer then to continue this with T..a can of beer won't laugh at me.

[chaotic13]

Mouse_

I personally rarely dream or I guess I should say I don't remember my dreams. So I'll preface my comments by saying I'm not experienced in interpreting dreams and my comments are likely just pure BS. If this response is way off base, feel free to tell me not to quit my real job. :-)

Although I don't remember my dreams, I do day dream from time to time. Often they are about good and bad times related to the past or about current situations. Recently I've been day dreaming a lot about getting totally blitzed out of my mind. Its been freaking me out a bit because I'm not sure how healthy it is to be day dreaming about drug induced insanity. I'm not sure what is behind these day dreams, because I have not used drugs since graduate school.. 20 yrs ago.. (Ouch! that reality hurt )

Anyway, I think our underlying issues are a bit different. Your dream seems to be related to unconditional love and mine... maybe be about self control. However the method of achieving what we want/need are similar- drugs. I have been asking myself this week.. why am I wishing for something I've lived without for so many years? Then I read your post this morning.

For me it may be that I am looking for a way to remove or diminish the affect of my conscious brain and allow my subconscious to run wild for a while. Maybe the fact that drugs are involved gives me an excuse or a way not to have to accept responsibility for the outcome. Getting blitzed would allow me to act like.. i don't know..a needy freak, I could let go of my inhibitions, open and directly ask for love; cradling; for someone to take care of me for a change; allow someone to be in control for a while, whatever it is that my subconscious might want. Afterwards people would simply dismiss my actions by saying, "That wasn't really her, she was just wasted and temporarily insane, hallucinating. " Sometimes in my day dreams I even go as far as having someone slip me the drug. This way I'm not even responsible for deliberately inducing the temporary insanity.

I don't know..for me I've concluded that my day dreams are about my subconscious wishing for or exploring something that my rational mind will never allow me to ask for or even consider exploring.

Maybe your turning your T into stone in your dream suggest that her dream character is not buying into the "that wasn't really her, she was just wasted" assumption. When the drug induced insanity is all said and done, she is going to see right through the exterior persona to the inner person (persona non grata).

Just some thoughts from a warped mind.

[Mouse_]

Mckell, No, no, no, your reply is greatly appricated. I think firstly I'm glad that others think about "using", perhaps this is just me wanting to take a break from it all like "normal" people but always link it to my past addiction. Secondly, I think what came to me as I read your post is that indeed I have things I;d like to ask for in my daylight T hours but can't, I want to ask T does she love me, and I'm afraid of that and I guess turned her to stone so I dont get hurt either way. I think, but thanks, its good to know Im not alone!

[MissCharlotte]

Hey Mouse,

I get this. It sounds like you dissociated in T's office. I have been there, done that too and I really get the idea of feeling safe with T's books, her things. They are constant. When I came back from Christmas break I told T that I was worried the room would be re-arranged.

I also have wishes to return to addictive behavior. Was never an alcoholic, but recently decided I wanted to be one. I was very addicted to nicotine and the other day picked up a cigarette and just held it it n my hand. Ohhhhh I would be able to cope so much better with a smoke right now!

Peace