The side of you T doesn’t see...

...but knows about. For me, it’s rage/anger/outbursts. I tell him about these things and how they affect the relationships in my life, but he doesn’t see me like that. In fact, I’m always sort of pleasant and scared to offend and be too much in therapy. It took around a year for me to muster up the courage to let my guard down and cry.

At home, it’s easier for me to show my ugly side in an unfiltered way. So much so that these ugly sides are starting to cost me relationships with people I love. I don’t know if words and explanations are enough to make T understand just how messed up I am. Just how toxic and hard to be around I can be.

There is also a part of me that is scared to let him see me like that, or explain in too much detail. I’m scared his opinion of me will change and he will finally see me for what I am: a horrid human who doesn’t deserve all that help and attention.

But he needs to see so that he can help me. How do you overcome this? How do you let your guard down enough? I don’t want to lose the people I care about because I can’t control my emotions.

I don’t think he will ever think you are a horrid human being. I think the good therapists know we are all human, and capable of every emotion there is, including rage and anger - they will have experienced it themselves.

I have had trouble expressing my anger in therapy because the building I’m in is shared, so I don’t want to disturb other people in the building with my outbursts. Sometimes I just feel like screaming. I always think of this thing I read, where we raise our voices because we feel so ‘far away’ from the other person, like in arguments and stuff. I don’t want to feel far away from him....although I have yelled and screamed and said horrible things to him on the phone before. He doesn’t hate me for it or see me as a horrible person.

Oh this is interesting, thank you for describing that. It really makes sense.

My therapist sees the unpleasant side of me, the part that snarls and bullies. The part she doesn't see very often (and when she does it is always in an obscured way) is the part who loves her. She also doesn't see the playful and fun side of me. She gets to see the worst bits of me, and there are a lot of them.

I completely understand where you are coming from. Ever since I told my T about the issues I had with rage and stuff I am worried of bringing it up again. I think this was a horrible side of me that noone should have to deal with but myself, even if it's in the past.

I figured rage was the only thing to show the therapist. She did not get the good side of me. I was paying the woman and she did very little to nothing. Rage was all for her

Some of the vulnerability, though Ive shown it more and more over time

L doesn't get to see a few sides of me. She's never seen me truly angry, she's never seen me un "fight" mode of protecting myself, and she's never seen my fully playful mode. I've never been truly mad at her, so she hasn't seen my full anger. She's never seen the "fight" side of me because she's never threatened my life (i.e. when ex-T abandoned me, H being abusive, etc.). I don't know why, but I can't get fully comfortable with her to be playful. When I say playful I mean being silly, singing, dancing, making a fool of myself, etc. I'm always uptight and "put together". My goal is to be more playful with her. We have a dance party planned for our 10th anniversary

The parts of me that T doesn’t get to see rarely “come out” even with family - I’m rarely really angry but have had bouts of scary (to me) angry outbursts at my dad in the last few months. I haven’t felt any reason to be angry at T, though. She knows I hold resentment and anger at my parents but I have good reasons for that. Unless we ever did role play it wouldn’t get directed at her.
She hasn’t really seen the childish side of me, either.
I also hold the fear that if others saw me for who I truly was, I wouldn’t be accepted. Rationally I know this isn’t true, but I find it hard to push past.

My T doesn’t see my online side. Actually no one does. I probably have some form of selective mutism so I usually just grunt or say yes or no when people talk to me. I am not like my online self at all. I have a saying that’s actually for a mullet but I use it for a double life “business in the front, party in the back.”

I don't think there's any outstanding part of me that my therapist has not seen - including 3 times when I raged at her.

I often feel that I have stalker tendencies...and often feel like I have disorders that she has no idea about. though I think that is just my tendency fantasy parts at play