Couch 226--CCXXVI Couch

LonesomeTonight · Apr 09, 2021, 10:40 AM

Seeing Dr. T in an hour and 20 minutes. Anxious about it...

Lemoncake · Apr 09, 2021, 10:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chihirochild

Thanks, Lemon

The only thing I can find on there is that he does like to tickle me, but he always stops when I say "stop." (He's not ticklish at all.)

What's bugging me is that we're having a problem* and neither of us are very good at talking about it... and instead of trying to talk about it, he is being irritable. (Nothing egregious, just stuff like... I dunno, he has these freckles on the side of his face, and we have a cute little thing where I poke them. But when I did this a few nights ago, instead of laughing or poking me back like he usually does, he said, "how many times are you going to count those freckles?" Which was just a WTF moment.) But then if I ask him if something's up, he says no.

Red flag for being a poor communicator? I just don't want to have to forcibly drag this man through his feelings for the rest of my life, I guess

*TW for a sex-related thing -- defs TMI for most folks

Possible trigger:

even though he's in his 30s, he can only manage enough, um, structural integrity to have PIV sex about 50% of the time

You can have any reason to leave a relationship, but I've read of couples going to counselling before they're married to learn how to communicate better.Would that be something your open to?

Possible trigger:

Is the irregularity something that's always been there for him or has it started recently? He might be embarrassed about it but maybe medication could help- he could have an underlying issue. Maybe try using toys, but it depends on how much this is an issue this is for you.

chihirochild · Apr 09, 2021, 11:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

You can have any reason to leave a relationship, but I've read of couples going to counselling before they're married to learn how to communicate better.Would that be something your open to?

Possible trigger:

Is the irregularity something that's always been there for him or has it started recently? He might be embarrassed about it but maybe medication could help- he could have an underlying issue. Maybe try using toys, but it depends on how much this is an issue this is for you.

It’s not that I want to break up with him. I’m worried that either a) this relationship is a good thing and I’m going to eff it up or b) this is a bad thing and I’m not going to notice and I’m going to get my heart broken or end up in a crappy marriage.

Lemoncake · Apr 09, 2021, 11:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chihirochild

It’s not that I want to break up with him. I’m worried that either a) this relationship is a good thing and I’m going to eff it up or b) this is a bad thing and I’m not going to notice and I’m going to get my heart broken or end up in a crappy marriage.

Maybe take both out of the picture for now and try to go with the flow. You don't know how you're going to react in a situation until you're actually in. From my Netflix education- in trying to stop something from happening you can cause it to happen. We're also here to point out stuff! You might not want to listen (like me sometimes). If you make a mistake you can correct it.

I really think a good T could help you make progress with your anxiety.

Lemoncake · Apr 09, 2021, 11:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Seeing Dr. T in an hour and 20 minutes. Anxious about it...

SlumberKitty · Apr 09, 2021, 12:01 PM

Glad your session went well Lemoncake. I always get a little nervous about what my T is writing in her notes. Once I asked her if she was writing anything "bad" about me. She said no and proceeded to read me her notes which were very boring.

SlumberKitty · Apr 09, 2021, 12:02 PM

LT---I hope your appointment goes well with Dr. T.

SlumberKitty · Apr 09, 2021, 12:03 PM

I'm still numb today. That's okay. I would rather be numb than feeling. Tomorrow we take my sister's kids back to her. We are going to meet half way so it isn't so far to drive. Texted with my bestie today. Hadn't talked to her since Easter. So that was nice. I'm extremely tired and fatigued. (Too much stress!) But numb. Numb. Numb.

Salmon77 · Apr 09, 2021, 02:10 PM

Quote:

What's bugging me is that we're having a problem* and neither of us are very good at talking about it...

Not sure whether this is helpful, and you may already know it, but (whiting out because I don't know how to do the trigger thing)
men's testosterone levels tend to peak when they first wake up, so if he's having trouble in the evening, maybe try it in the morning.

LonesomeTonight · Apr 09, 2021, 02:38 PM

Thanks for the support about the Dr. T session today. It went fairly well. He gave lots of explanation for why he does certain things the way he does, and that helped me understand, to get the "why" behind it. Like why he doesn't feel comfortable discussing particular topics, why he tries to be careful in some of the things he says. Some of it we'd discussed a bit at some point before, but not to this level of detail. I feel pretty good about things on an intellectual level regarding him. But I'm not sure if my emotions have caught up yet? May post more in a bit.

ETA: He seemed to be really listening and taking in what I was saying (even when it seemed to confuse him a bit). And being thoughtful about his replies. So I appreciated that.

ArtieTheSequal · 03:07 PM

Back from getting my 2nd covid shot and running a couple of errands. Feel fine so far, not even any arm soreness, so we shall see how I'm feeling later tonight (h's side effects came on around 12 hours after, but he got the Moderna. I got the Pfizer one.)

ArtieTheSequal · Apr 09, 2021, 02:48 PM

LT, sounds like your session went pretty well, glad to hear that he really took in what you were saying and gave thoughtful answers to things.

ArtieTheSequal · Apr 09, 2021, 02:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

I'm still numb today. That's okay. I would rather be numb than feeling. Tomorrow we take my sister's kids back to her. We are going to meet half way so it isn't so far to drive. Texted with my bestie today. Hadn't talked to her since Easter. So that was nice. I'm extremely tired and fatigued. (Too much stress!) But numb. Numb. Numb.

hugs, Kit. Glad you got to talk to your bestie, and hope it helped some. I hope you can get some replenishing rest.

ArtieTheSequal · Apr 09, 2021, 02:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

I feel like it did, he was okay with me not displaying my video and seemed like someone I could actually talk to unlike Frey the previous T I saw. Who I knew it wouldn't work out within the first 1 min and 30 seconds as he was late.

G said that he could also see me at a discount for £37 a session and was okay with me setting the schedule and not wanting a fixed slot time. Also said that at one point he did 120h in a row by going everyday.

I wasn't used to him writing notes during session though. I asked to see a copy which he said he'd email to me.

At this moment in time I don't want to go super regularly. I also don't want to get attached again.

Hugs Lemoncake. I'm glad it went well, that he was ok with you not being on video. Also good about the notes and that he's letting you set the pace for scheduling.

I know what you mean about not wanting to get attached again.

stopdog · Apr 09, 2021, 03:03 PM

I got my second moderna this morning. My arm already hurts like the devil and has a knot, but other than that nothing I would attribute to the shot.

LonesomeTonight · Apr 09, 2021, 04:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

LT, sounds like your session went pretty well, glad to hear that he really took in what you were saying and gave thoughtful answers to things.

Thanks, Artie! Still trying to process, I think. Including some stuff he said about ex-MC, how in a way what he gave me was my "favorite meal" in terms of emotional needs being met, and now it's like I'm looking for that from other people. But as I said to Dr. T, it also came with a lot of pain. My friend said it's like he slipped poison into the meal.

I didn't say this in session, but I feel like Dr. T is the healthy meal that's good for me, but doesn't feel as satisfying.

Perhaps I'll try journaling some over the weekend to process.

SlumberKitty · Apr 09, 2021, 05:12 PM

Going to get my first Covid shot on Sunday!

atisketatasket · Apr 09, 2021, 06:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I didn't say this in session, but I feel like Dr. T is the healthy meal that's good for me, but doesn't feel as satisfying.

I think this is right. You two have an adult relationship, where with MC it was more parent/child.

Adult relationships are better for therapy imo. Info and I have an adult relationship. I didn’t with No. 3 and that ended baly.

LonesomeTonight · Apr 09, 2021, 07:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I think this is right. You two have an adult relationship, where with MC it was more parent/child.

Adult relationships are better for therapy imo. Info and I have an adult relationship. I didn’t with No. 3 and that ended baly.

That's a good way of explaining it. I feel like we also talk things through like adults when we have conflicts (like today).

Whereas with ex-MC, if we had disagreements, it was like I was the child there, too. Both in the way he acted and in how I acted. I think of the phone call after the "I love you" email, when (after a text exchange) he called me and said he had 2 minutes, and he was going to do all the talking. That felt like a parent reprimanding a child. And when I tried to stand up for myself, he shut me down. And "punished" me with reduced contact.

I know that reparenting can be a thing in therapy, but I think it needs to come with very clear parameters with a well-trained T.

LonesomeTonight · Apr 09, 2021, 08:06 PM

Hm, I just had another thought. So part of why I was triggered by his email reply to me yesterday is that the words he used sounded very similar to something my mother would say. Talking about what's appropriate and "implications" of things, etc. But then when we talked today, it wasn't like talking to my mother at all. Because he actually listened and tried to understand. Did I like everything he said? No. And I imagine he didn't like everything I said either. But it felt like a mutually respectful conversation between two adults.

ArtieTheSequal · Apr 09, 2021, 09:26 PM

These sound like good insights, LT!

Daffydungle · Apr 09, 2021, 10:30 PM

Wow my daughter just floored me with her announcement that she and her boyfriend who lives in another state, he moved there a while ago he is in an army family, are thinking about moving in together. She will be 18 in a couple of days so she is an adult, and i am feeling uneasy about letting her 'grow up' but at the same time my mother tried to stop me from growing up and i hated it. I am torn between letting her be an adult and thinking she is young to be starting to live with someone. I am just thinking aloud but any thoughts would be appreciated.