Couch 227 - The Safe Couch

You're still MY original Una O.

If we ever form a band (instead of a couch), we can call ourselves The Queens of Denial

It was a clumsy attempt to lure you in! Do we have to spell out everything around here??

Queen of De Nile (crane! )

I'm in. I'm going through an oldie phase. Discovered Sam Cooke recently though I had already heard of him because of the Netflix documentary.

LT - Are you acting like your mother when you "want or need" something? Cuz when she wants YOU to go on THE FAMILY VACATION, she doesnt take no for an answer from you.

So thats a zero sum game. There is no grace in that bucket. You cant give what you havent been given (and probably neither was she, but shes not the one trying to figure it out in t, is she?).

What im saying is, your back is up against the wall with your mom, so when you ask your t for something, you might be re-enacting / projecting / whatevering that dynamic. Cuz it feels like your back is up against the wall with t in these instances, while simultaneously pushing his. You see no other way out, just like your mother sees no other way out except for you to give in.

There HAS to be a third solution, right?

Oh, Sam Cooke! We wont need a band or dj at our wedding, just a sam cooke loop.

Wedding?

With or without me? (Cue U2) Are we thinking Joe Exotic?

All of una’s jiltees—me, moo, Daff—will be there sobbing.

Hold on a minute, I am still angling to be (one of) the groom(s)!

I definitely feel like some of this (and other stuff with Dr. T) is reenacting *something*. I mean, likely something with my mom. But maybe also my dad, looking for caring and love and emotion from him? (He gives more of that now, but not so much when I was a kid.)

The apologizing, even though I really didn't do anything wrong, definitely comes from my mom, from the messages that if I annoy or bother or upset or anger or disappoint someone, then they might reject me. So it's like I fear I've upset T, so the self-preservation apology comes in, and then there's this thought of "Oh no, I did irritate him a bit." Even though, as he would say, it wouldn't threaten the relationship.

LT, I tend to apologize when I haven't done anything wrong. I know mine comes from my mother, who was unstable when I was a child so if she were to get upset, or annoyed, or angry, or whatever, the best/quickest way out of it was to apologize, even when I really hadn't done anything wrong. I still do it with my Mom today, but less so. I will try to explain to her my intentions first and if that doesn't work then I just apologize. It's an easy way for me to get the relationship back on track.


Do you think you tend to apologize out of some sort of anxiety about the relationship? Like oh know, I've upset the apple cart with Dr. T. I need to right it again so that the world will be okay? I don't have that too much with T now but I do tend to have that tendency with others in my world, coworkers for example, or friends. I can relate, that's what I am saying.


I hope you won't feel bad about having brought up the payment thing and let it go on and turn it against yourself. I don't think you really did anything wrong. I don't think it was necessarily wrong to apologize because it is a learned pattern of a good, quick way to get the relationship right again. As long as you are aware of that tendency, if it is true for you.

HUGS Kit

ex-hankster - the couch libertine.

Speaking of which, this guy is my hero! Just for the skipping, never mind that he still got paid!

Italian hospital employee accused of skipping work for 15 years - BBC News

Thanks. I deleted that post afore (how do you spell that? lol) I saw this because he claims now that he only said it to try to make me stop thinking about my Mom. I told him I don't like it at all when he does stuff like that. I am still going to talk about what he said with L because there's probably some truth behind what he said even if he supposedly said it just to make me think about something else.

HUGS Artie

Hugs to all those who want from me too!

I'll always take a hug, Artie! Never can have too many of those!

OK, I deleted my post that quoted yours in case you didn't want it up there. I agree that it's probably still good to discuss with L.

Oh that's ok but thanks! I will.

I'll crochet some flowers for the event.

I think I remember reading one time that one of Steve Perry's (former lead singer of Journey) early influences was Sam Cooke.

Its me thinking i am bad mum again. Am i a mum if i asked my eldest daughter what she wants for her 21st birthday and she said money to move and my ex is thinking of doing something special. I was raised to believe that 21st birthdays were obsolete because it used to be the legal age but now 18 is, so i am really not fussed. I am so scared of being of being flooded my ex. Because he has a way of twisting words and i am a little slow in interpreting what people are saying.

All i can hear in my head when cinfronted with anything related to my ex is bad bad bad.

Hasnt he learned yet that he is THE WORST at that (or i think maybe any) kind of manipulation? It NEVER turns out the way he intended. And that's just since we've been hearing about it.

I think we need to focus on that. Get him a mug that says, "Worst re-director ever" or something.